Thought 19: Running on empty . . .

When I was 19 years old, my life changed forever. Bob Hubbard entered my story. The trajectory of my life would never be the same. I will always believe that God sent him to me as he is undoubtedly my greatest blessing. The story of how we "met" has always been a fuzzy one as I don't think we were ever officially introduced. I was friends with a lot of the guys in his fraternity and we hung out in the same circles at the end of our freshman year of college. So, we knew of each other, but our friendship did not start to develop until the end of our sophomore year. Bob will always argue that he noticed me first and that might be true. But, our connection during the spring of 1995 was mutual and the real thing. We did not start officially dating until that fall, but an all-nighter talking on the beach set in motion what I see as a love for the storybooks!

I do my best to stay positive and keep a motivating tone, but some days (or weeks) are just tough. I want to keep this blog honest and share how I am really feeling along the way. So, I must report that I am just drained. The weeks following the half marathon have just been really hard. Every attempt to exercise takes so much more effort than usual, almost like I felt when I was first starting to train. It has been so frustrating. I have put in some long runs, including an 11.5 run with my sister-in-law and a few 8 mile runs. However, those runs were a struggle. I thought I was past this point.

My fatigue has not just been while running. I have been tired most of the day. But why? Where did my momentum go? I am registered for the marathon. I have my sights set for October. I am raising money for my charity. How could I be losing momentum? Is it a physical problem? Emotional? Both? When my body starts to fall off course, I immediately start thinking the worst. Most people might look to the increasing temperatures and the high level of pollen. Or others might say that interrupted sleep or a poor diet might be contributing factors. In my mind, I immediately go to a relapse in my Crohn's Disease or I feel light headed and nauseous so maybe I am getting another kidney stone. I have my annual scan in June to make sure my cancer continues to be in remission. Let's just say my worrying goes into hyper drive when I feel unusual.

I went to the doctor recently and all my blood work came back normal. I am fine. That is so unlike me. So, I guess there is something to that pollen, higher temps, and lack of sleep that can make someone feel lethargic. Also keeping up with a feisty three-year-old can add to the fun. So, I am going with the simpler explanation until I am given a reason to think otherwise. I just get scared. I want to stay OK. I just get really, really scared. I am going to give my body some time to rest up the next few weeks with some shorter runs. I am preparing myself for the long haul. Atlanta is not going to be very forgiving with the high temperatures this summer, so I need to pull from my inner strength to build my outer strength. I am going back to see my physical therapist every month and will be getting a full physical in May. I am also going to visit with a sports nutritionist to make sure my body is getting all the fuel it needs. 

I will give it everything I have and see how it goes. I am going to cross the finish line in Chicago, but as Bob reminded me, I need to run my own race, both on and off the trail. I am bad about comparing myself to others as well as being very competitive. There is nothing like training for a marathon to increase your self awareness. The pictures above are the types of thumbnails that Bob sends me on all my long runs. I am so lucky to have him as my greatest cheerleader. I have cried a lot over the past several weeks as I have just not felt well. When I am tired, my strong emotions kick in and I cry a lot to find release. Watching an episode of Parenthood is always a good emotional release. I will move forward and take the frustrations I have felt to build my momentum back up. I am a fighter and would not be standing here if I wasn't one. So, I will end this thought on a positive note. It's time to crank up the tunes and enjoy the next 24 weeks of strength building, both inside and out. 

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation -  http://ow.ly/ukTos. 

Thought 18: A test of faith . . .

My family loves to throw surprise parties, especially my mom. On my 18th birthday, I was surprised with a party at The Melting Pot, my favorite restaurant at the time - I love fondue! I was a senior in high school and a happy one as well. I was co-editor of my high school newspaper, finishing up my time on the high school swimming team, and excited to receive an early decision acceptance to Furman University. Life was good for me as I entered my adult years, the most carefree time of my life. My family also likes to make surprise visits. I remember when my brother Mike and my sister-in-law Cynthia surprised me when they joined my parents for a visit to me at college. I surprised them when I flew down for the birth of their first child. I can't count how many times we surprised on birthdays, including us all meeting at Disney and surprising my mom for her 60th birthday. Bob's family is as big on the surprising as well - they all flew up for Bob's 30th birthday in Michigan. Sometimes the surprises come when you need them the most, including when Bob's brother surprised me in the hospital on a difficult visit. I think my favorite one of all had to have been when we surprised my parent's with a 45th wedding anniversary party. This one means more to me for so many reasons. 

Megan on her first Easter Sunday at my dad's church in Tallahassee

My faith is not something I normally talk about.  It is no indication of how important it is to me, but more because I have always been very private in my beliefs. My faith in God is at the core of who I am as a person, but it has been a process for me. My parents both had a strong faith and belief in God, but it was not something we talked about a lot. They always attended a Presbyterian Church, but I think that was more about their respect and love for the minister and church community than the denomination. We did not make it to church on Sundays growing up too much and I never attended Vacation Bible School or Sunday School. I think they would have enjoyed going to church more, but I think it was hard wrangling their three children.

For my parents through, it was more about living a life that exhibited Christian values than church attendance. I am not here to talk about religion or what others feel it means to be a Christian. I am just sharing what I believe and where those beliefs started from. My mom told me on many occasions that she believed to be a good Christian was to be a good person. I always identified with this. Giving back was a hallmark value in our home and my parents modeled it beautifully. My mom loved all the traditional hymns and singing them when we were in church. She also loved that I married someone that shared that joy with her. I did have a stint in the church choir, but it didn't last long.  To be honest, by the time I reached high school, I did not have a lot of interest in exploring my faith. My parents continued to be models to all of us in their beliefs, but they gave us the room to explore our own faith journey, whatever that meant to us.

Through my high school and early college years, I did not think much about my faith or a spiritual world. I even had a friend that professed to be an atheist, which I didn't agree with, but I really didn't know what I believed. My friends were all at a different place with it and I started thinking more about it as I progressed into my sophomore year in college. I was never comfortable with talking about it out loud too much or participating in faith based activities. I think I was just uncomfortable in knowing what I believed that I didn't feel I had a lot to contribute. In attending a liberal arts college, I took a Religion class where I learned more about Christianity and a Religions of the World class where I learned about other faiths around the world. I have always believed that there is more than one answer out there and that they all somehow come together in the end. This education was so important to me in my faith development. Since I attended a college that was historically a Christian school, the conversation was definitely alive and well. And then I met Bob . . .

As we grew more serious in our relationship, we had a lot of discussions on faith and religion. Bob has a strong Christian faith in God and was raised in the church. The only thing Bob asked of me was that I always keep an open mind and continue to challenge myself in exploring my faith. I knew I was a Christian, but for some reason I had a hard time saying it out loud. I just did not have a lot of confidence in professing my faith. As the years passed, my faith continued to grow without me even always realizing it. A defining moment for me was in June 2001 after I had an emergency surgery following five days of living with a perforated bowel. I can now say that it is a miracle that I survived that complication and I never felt God's presence more in my life. This feeling only continued to grow.

Once Bob and I moved to Ann Arbor, Michigan in 1999 and we found our own church to attend, I started a more mature faith journey. My faith has been tested many times over the years through the challenges we have faced and not understanding why life continued to hit us so hard. But life continued and so did my exploration. We moved to Atlanta and joined Peachtree Road United Methodist Church in July 2007. Our minister in Ann Arbor recommended this church community to us, but it was especially inviting since Bob's siblings attended there too. PRUMC has been our home church ever since, but I don't think I have really felt it was our church until we adopted Megan and started raising her in the life of the church. She was baptized there and is growing up and making friends there that we hope will turn into lasting friendships over the years.

My faith journey is a process, which I think is true for many. As we raise Megan and instill in her the values of a Christian life, including her church family and education as a part of her everyday life, I will work hard to talk about my journey with her and share more about what I believe and why I believe it. Living a Christian life will always be how I approach the world and my relationship with it, but what I now realize is at the heart of being a Christian is my personal relationship with God. Letting this relationship be at my core and what I build all other relationships around is a big step in my faith journey.  It has been a healing force in my life as I work to understand the loss of my mom and the health challenges in my life. I am now comfortable and more confident in my faith and look forward to seeing where it takes me from here.

It used to make me feel uncomfortable that I was not at the same place in my beliefs as others around me, but I am not letting myself apologize for that anymore. I feel good about the way I have lived my life and the way I treat and help others. I welcome God in my heart and continue to explore my faith through education, fellowship, and service to my community. I look forward to sharing this with Megan as she grows older and thank Bob for being patient with me and giving me the room to be me and find myself in my own time. So, as we celebrate Easter this Sunday, I am proud to say that I am a Christian and have never felt better about my relationship with God. I think I will always be private about my faith, but it feels better to know what I believe and that the process of exploring those beliefs is a lifetime process. I spent this Lenten season by giving an hour of my time each week at my church to pray for others. There is nothing that makes you feel more grateful than to sit and pray for others that are facing difficult struggles. It was a challenging and beautiful experience. Happy Easter to you and your loved ones.

Thought 17: Feeling complete . . .

The summer of 1992 was an extra special one for me. I was 17 years old and my parents allowed me to take a Humanities class at the local community college during the spring of my junior year of high school. The class ended with a three-week trip to Europe over the summer. While I had such an amazing time with my friends seeing London, Paris, Venice, Florence, Rome, and a cruise through Greece, I was way too young to appreciate it! I am so thankful that my teachers required us to keep a daily journal. I thank my parents for giving me this opportunity to see the world and instilling in me the desire to see more.  I can't wait to pay it forward and give Megan every opportunity to do the same. We look forward to traveling as a family and experiencing new cultures together.

This was originally posted on Smyrna Parent on March 19 - a blog I contribute to every few months (http://smyrnaparent.com). 

Some decisions in life are clear and straightforward. They usually come with a choice between A and B and can be made without a whole lot of effort. While going back and forth with the “I don’t know, what do you want to do” or “I don’t have a preference” responses can be frustrating, the ultimate decision comes together pretty easily. However, when it comes to major life decisions about things like health, family, money, and work, those conversations become intensely complicated. Sometimes the decision just never feels decided.

My husband Bob and I celebrated our 16^th wedding anniversary just after Christmas. When we were dating and first married, we had fun dreaming about how many kids we would one day have together. I usually said three while he usually said two. We both come from a family of three children – he is the oldest and I am the youngest. I just always assumed that life would bring us multiple children and that is exactly what I wanted. Then that funny thing called life happens . . .

To give you the short version (for those reading my blog for the first time), I started having noticeable health problems at 23 years old, with symptoms showing about two months after our wedding day. After years of medicine and numerous tests and doctor opinions, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. My symptoms continued to get worse, which led to numerous surgeries over an 8-year period. Bob and I tried multiple times to get pregnant during that time, but nothing was happening, most likely because I was so sick. After meeting with infertility experts, we underwent four unsuccessful rounds of in-vitro fertilization treatments. Adoption came up very early in the conversation, but we wanted to try everything we could to see if I could get pregnant first. But, as fate would have it, this is not how we were meant to become parents. We started the adoption paperwork and approval process in November 2009, were approved in May 2010, were matched with a birthmother in July 2010, and became parents to our precious Megan in November 2010. After 13 years of marriage, it was finally our turn and we could not have asked for a better experience.

We are now three years down the road and loving our days with our full-of-life preschooler who always keeps us on our toes. The question of a second child has been on our minds for a couple of years now. I had to have a hysterectomy in August 2009, so adoption was the only way we would be able to grow our family. We had such a positive experience the first time, why wouldn’t we want to do it again?

When it comes to whether or not someone is going to make the decision to have one, two, three, or more kids, everyone comes to this decision from a different place. I am here to write about our decision of whether or not to “have” more than one child.  I have several friends who are at the crossroads of this decision, and although all of our circumstances are different, our feelings behind it are similar. When I did some searching on the Internet about having one child, I actually discovered a lot of negative views. I came across words like “selfish” when talking about parents that made the decision to have one child. I am not a fan of labels like “only child,” which also seems to have a negative connotation to it. It makes me think, what would our world look like if every family were just able to make the decisions that were best for them with society’s judgments and opinions left at the door?

We actually have a lot of friends who have one child and I have spoken to many of them about their decision. For some people this is a decision, while others have had to accept it because of other reasons, usually because they were unable to have more children. Whatever the reason, it is never an easy one and sometimes one of the hardest to accept.

I have watched friends over the years have their babies, along with their second and third ones. I have been blessed with four nieces and three nephews, with one more on the way! I have enjoyed watching friends recently have babies and seeing their families grow. Every time it makes me ask the question of whether or not we will adopt again. It seems like the word “want” is always the word of choice used when people ask you about whether or not you will grow your family. Do you “want” to have more kids? Sometimes it is not as simple as wanting.

I have always felt compelled to go through the reasons with people on why we would not try to adopt again, why we would choose to have “only one child.” Each time I took the energy to do this, I would hurt more and more. Somehow I always left that conversation feeling bad about myself, like my reasons were not valid or I was trying to justify it. We had such a beautiful experience the first time, are we afraid it wouldn’t happen that way a second time? Sure. We have been though so much, are we afraid to put ourselves out there again? Absolutely. Whatever reasons and debates that come up in our mind as we make this decision is just that, our reasons. I think this is important for families making this decision to remember, as it is so personal. It is not about whether we “want” more children. It is about what is best for our family at this point in our lives.

One of the factors of whether or not to have more than one child that I know is difficult for people is the sibling factor. Will my child be ok without a sibling? This is a very difficult issue for Bob and me as we make this decision. We both have two siblings and love them dearly. It does make us sad to think she would not have a brother or sister, but we also know that we can’t adopt another child just so she will have a brother or sister. Megan is blessed with a lot of friends and we will always help her foster and cherish those relationships. She also is blessed with cousins she is very close to, including two that are within 10 weeks of her in age. The sibling factor will always be something I will revisit in my head even when we make peace with this decision. All you can do is hope you make the right decision.

Another big factor that I have struggled with a lot is the “I will only get to do this once” factor. Every milestone is a once in a lifetime experience essentially and that has made me sad sometimes. We have just had so much fun raising Megan and all the fun steps along the way, but it is difficult to know that it will only happen once. We have learned to appreciate them and always have another fun one around the corner. It sure does give me an excuse when I want to buy her another dress or another toy. I can always justify it with a “but, this is the only time I will get to do this!”

If I had to tell you right now whether or not we would try to adopt another child, I would say no. Bob and I really are at about the same place with this and I think we are feeling more at peace with it every day. Looking back at all we have been through as a couple to those fun conversations we had dreaming about our future family, I think we are exactly at the place we were always meant to be. One of the questions I have come to ask myself is, if I put Bob, Megan and I on a stranded island, would having one child be enough? My answer is always a very confident yes.  So, when people ask me “why” and “do you want” when it comes to having more children, I just tell them that we feel complete as a family and that brings us the peace we have been searching for through all these years.

Although I feel this peace, am I still able to say that the door is closed? No. But I don’t think that means we are necessarily still thinking about it, it just goes back to making a life decision that never feels decided. Am I ready to give away or sell all of the baby gear? No, but loaning it to friends helps and enables me to put off letting go even more. Am I ready to give away all the dresses and cute baby outfits? No, but I love seeing them on friends’ kids who we share them with a lot. I am almost ready to feel it but not say it. Would I ever consider adopting an older child or becoming a foster parent? I would but I’m not sure that opportunity will ever be the right one for our family. Bob and I want to raise the best daughter we can and show her the world. We want to raise someone that values giving back, being a good friend, and reaching for the stars. We want to provide her every opportunity to be her best self. This is what we “want” and we are very much at peace with that decision. But I am still giving myself space to keep the door cracked . . .

Thought 16: Next steps . . .

It is time for the sweet sixteen. Literally. How cool is that timing with March Madness! For those that have been following my blog, I am not sure you have noticed, but this beginning paragraph is always where I write about my age that corresponds with whatever number blog it is for the week. So, it is time to write about Susie at 16 years old. As I have said before, birthday parties were so much simpler when I was growing up. For my "sweet sixteen," my parents took me out to dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant with three of my best friends. I had already passed my driving test earlier that day, so they let me drive my friends across the street to the movie theater after dinner. (I wish I could remember what movie we saw.) I was thrilled! My first car was a maroon convertible Volkswagen Rabbit that was passed down to me from my mom. She was then able to get her first of what would be many Jeep Cherokees. I loved my car and thought I was so cool riding around town with the top of the car down. Turning 16 was a fun time for me as I stretched my legs and started learning to be more independent. 

Another milestone was checked off this week . . . I finished the Publix Georgia Half Marathon on Sunday, March 23! It was a great day for a race with temperatures in the 50s and an overcast sky. I was worried it was going to rain, but it held off minus a slight mist the last few miles. My sweet Megan and best buddy accompanied me to the expo two days before the race to pick up my packet and bib number. She was so excited that she was given a new soccer ball and jump rope from Publix as we walked in the door. It was a good idea to have her there to ensure that I had no time to get distracted by all the cool running gear that was being sold there. My favorite part was her running through the halls of the Georgia World Congress Center singing "Let's Go Fly a Kite" at the top of her lungs. Good memory! 

Race day was a lot of fun for me. You never sleep well the night before because you are anticipating that early alarm. I am one of those people that leaves a lot of extra time to get to the airport. I am always so nervous I will miss my flight. Race day is no different. I set my alarm for 4:45 a.m. and followed the advice of the race packet to try and park by 6:00 a.m. The race started at 7:00 a.m. I was in Corral K, so I had to stand around for a little bit before our group started running. It was a beautiful morning, and after surviving the porta-potty line, I was ready to go! I thought I would be more nervous, but I was really ready. I knew I could do this.

The only thing I was worried about was pacing myself and not giving too much of my energy away at the beginning. The course was very hilly, especially toward the latter half of the race. I knew as soon as I made the turn out of Piedmont Park, I would be facing some big hills. If you are from Atlanta, this race makes you proud to be from the metro area and appreciate all it has to offer. I was inspired running by the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial and through some of Atlanta's oldest neighborhoods. Although I was running with a time goal in mind, I did stop to take the picture below with downtown behind me. This picture actually does not do the view justice.

Since this was my second time participating in this race, I thought about where I was the last time I ran and how far I have come in five years. I remembered a lot of the course from that day in March 2009 and the special miles I shared with my dear friend who walked and ran it beside me. We both left a lot of emotion and heartache out on the course that day and it was nice to retrace those steps and feel so good about where I am today (as well as my friend). It is hard to describe how much stronger and happier I am physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually today than I was five years ago. It is really impossible to measure. Although my mom is not with me five years later, she lives in my heart and I feel her all the time, including that burst of wind that came my way around mile 8. Wow I needed it - thanks mom!

My goal for this race was to bring everything I had and give it my absolute best. Check. I was also hoping to beat my personal best half marathon time of 2 hours and 21 minutes (Disney Half Marathon 2013). Check. I finished the race in 2 hours and 19 minutes. I wanted to just enjoy the race and stop looking at my watch. But, after a certain point I ran the calculations in my head and realized that I was on my way to a personal record. It motivated me to keep running, which I did for the whole race, minus stops through water stations and a few stops to stretch my left knee. My struggles came around mile 5 and mile 10, but you push through and get distracted by a song or something you pass and it keeps you going. I brought everything I had to this race and I am now able to say I did my very best. I also finished the race in the top half of my age group and ran the last third of the race faster than the rest of it!

There is nothing better in a race than to be cheered across the finish line by a group of encouraging spectators. I was really getting tired the last mile, but I knew my family was waiting for me in their rain gear at the final turn of the race and I could not wait to see them. I was so emotional to see Bob and Megan and my dad as I turned toward the finish line. I was also glad they didn't have to wait too long for me. It was so fun to see that Bob let Megan wear her butterfly wings over her raincoat. A super sweet moment that I will remember forever. I was especially emotional to see my dad there because I have not had the chance to share much of my running journey with him in person. He was amazed by the experience and became emotional too. It meant the world to me to have them all there and know they were waiting for me at the finish line. 

The way I felt after this race was similar to how I felt after the Hot Chocolate 15K in January - prepared. I have always been over the top sore for other races I have finished because I either did not train well or had an injury that I ignored. I was sore for sure, but nothing unreasonable and my knee held it together well. I was ready for this race and put up a great time for me. I am really proud of myself and proud to show my daughter how important it is to work toward a goal and accomplish it. She has talked about my running and the "balloons" all week. She thinks I won the race, which works for me! I think the winner only beat me by like an hour. Wow!

So, it is now time to look ahead and take my next steps. Finishing this half marathon was another chapter in my journey to October and I am now ready and rested to take on Act III - the Chicago Marathon. Now that I am registered and have taken a few days off this week to rest, it is time to set my game plan and get back to running. I did get out once this week for a short run, which felt tight but good. As I started running, I enjoyed noticing that these were my first training steps toward my marathon training. It is a nice feeling to know that I can put my full attention on the marathon now, outside of being a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and whatever else life brings me! I am so ready for this challenge and thank you for going along on the ride with me.

We have decided to take Megan down to see Mickey for a few days during her spring break. I wished someone had asked me after the race, "So, now that you have finished the Publix Georgia Half Marathon, what are you going to do?" I would shout loud and proud, "I am going to Disney World!!!"

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation - http://ow.ly/ukTos. 

Thought 15: Ready or not . . .

High school was a pretty fun time for me. I had a small group of good friends through my different extracurricular activities, including swim team and newspaper staff. My dad was my first influence in writing, but my days on the newspaper staff with my favorite teacher, Mrs. Judy Steverson, was where I learned to write. She would sit down with me at the wooden table and go word by word and line by line with me through my article. I am forever grateful to her for teaching me how to put my thoughts into words. I also loved my high school chorus classes, and although I did not have the greatest singing voice, I loved the experience. One of my favorite parts was being student director of The Music Man during the summer after my sophomore year. I did get a little distracted sometimes as a 15-year-old girl, but I can't share everything, right?

This was the week. I am officially registered for the 2014 Bank of America Chicago Marathon. I will be running a marathon in less than 7 months. Yes, me, Susie Hubbard, will be a marathon runner. These words both terrify and thrill me. When I pressed the submit button, I was so relieved to make it official. I began to think about all the training and running I would be doing in the coming months. I am terrified, but in a good way I think. 

Since I decided to join the Les Turner ALS Foundation team, I was given a guaranteed entry. This is the first year that non-charity runners will have to go through a lottery system to participate in the race. In just two weeks, I have raised over $1,000, with some money coming in by check. Thank you to all my friends that have given me that initial support. My goal is $4,000 by my 40th birthday, but I would love to surpass it!

It is amazing how my running has already taken on a new meaning in just the short time since making this commitment. I was hit hard with some news in the days after I signed on with the foundation when I heard from my old doctor that performed every surgery I had when I lived in Michigan from 2001 to 2007. I shared my blog with him since he has been such a big influence on my journey, essentially saving my life. He wrote me to tell me he has ALS and was diagnosed two years ago. I felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. Bob and I are so upset by this news. Now my running for the ALS foundation means even more, if that was even possible. 

I had a heart to heart with my running shoes this week. I wanted to make sure they could hang in there with me. I told them that they had to last me until at least July. I feel like we have an understanding now and they are ready to ramp up our training and hit the pavement. I am still figuring out which training plan I will use and I need to find a group to run with on the weekends, but I hope to have all of that worked out soon. I have not used a training plan up to now, but I will follow one religiously for the marathon. I want to be as prepared as I can be for my 40th birthday - race day!

But, before I get too excited and anxious about my marathon training, I have one more race to finish - the Publix Georgia Marathon. On this Sunday, March 23, I will be taking on the hills of Atlanta again to complete 13.1 miles through some of the city's best landmarks and neighborhoods, including the Martin Luther King site, The Carter Center (my old employer), Virginia Highlands, Midtown, and Georgia Tech. The race starts and ends at Centennial Park. As I have written before, I finished this race one other time, mostly walking the whole way due to lack of training. I had to cancel my participation last year due to an injury. Here's hoping my left knee hangs in there because I want to finish this race strong on Sunday. I'm not sure it will be my personal best, but it will be my very best on March 23. I had a great last training run and sprinted up the hill that I once had trouble even getting up 6 months ago. Finishing this race will give me the satisfaction that I came back and raced again and gave my very best. I want to have fun and check this milestone off on my journey to Chicago!

When I started this blog last October, I had three races and a lot of miles in front of me. I was overwhelmed by the thought of a year of training and seeing it slowly increase over that time. I now stand 5 months later, with almost two races behind me. I can visualize myself finishing each race and each mile it will take to get me there. The 26.2 is daunting, but I can stand here today and feel good knowing that I can do it. The longest run I have completed this go around is 12.2 miles, but soon that will be 13.1. The time is here to really show what I have inside and out, so, ready or not, here I go!

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation - http://ow.ly/ukTos. 

Thought 14: More than just running . . .

Surviving middle school was my goal as a 14-year-old girl. I am not sure that this was any different in 1988 than it is in 2014. The feelings I was struggling with and doing what I could to fit in was a challenge. At the end of my 8th grade year, I caught mononucleosis. I can promise you that I was not kissing anyone. I remember I had to stay home for 5 weeks and my mom had my school work sent home to me. I almost missed the 8th grade dance and certainly did not have a date. My mom went out and bought me a beautiful floral print dress and I went to the dance by myself. I remember how nervous I was walking into the dance, but I was glad I decided to go. This was also the year that we moved into our home on Lake Hall. It took a couple of years to build the home, so my parents rented a town home and we lived in closer quarters for awhile. My oldest brother slept on my trundle bed when he came home from college on break (which I loved). When I think of my home growing up I will always think of "the lake house."

It was never just about running. I think that is true for almost any runner.

This blog has always been about my greater story behind my running. I had planned on writing this week about registering for the Chicago Marathon and making the commitment official to run on October 12, 2014, my 40th birthday. I received notice on Tuesday that they were delaying registration for two weeks to work out some bugs in their website. It is the first year the Chicago Marathon will have a lottery system, so the registration process is more complicated I guess.

One of the only ways you can secure a guaranteed spot in the race is by raising money for one of the charities associated with the event. I always planned on participating as a charity runner and making this training and race day experience about something much bigger than 26.2 miles. After talking to a couple of different charities over the past two weeks (and not hearing back from a couple), and doing my due diligence research on my favorites, I made a decision. I have officially joined the Run for ALS Team for the 2014 Chicago Marathon through the Les Turner ALS Foundation (http://www.lesturnerals.org). You can learn more about Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's disease or motor neuron disease (MND), on their website if you are not familiar.

I thought about waiting to share this decision until I officially registered for the race, but why wait two weeks when I can tell you about this wonderful organization now! The Les Turner ALS Foundation has been around since 1977 and serves 90% of the individuals suffering from ALS in the Chicago area. They are the largest privately funded ALS organization in the country. Their research is very impressive and impacts all ALS patients and families around the nation and the world. They are connected with the both national and international conversation on research and patient care. Since I am asking all of you to support their work, I want to make sure I do my homework. With a fundraising background myself, I knew it was important to check out any charity I was considering on Charity Navigator (www.charitynavigator.org). Les Turner ALS Foundation was by far the most impressive out of the ones I was considering. They are rated 4 out of 4 stars and over 80% of their fundraising goes to program support and research. This is very impressive and hard to find in the nonprofit world. I would never ask you to support something that I would not support myself. My goal is to raise $4,000 by my 40th birthday and Bob and I have committed to making sure we honor this pledge. I really appreciate any support you can give me and please feel free to send me any questions. (@HubRunLive)

Anyone that has been keeping up with my blog understands why I would want to support an organization working to find a cure for ALS. If this is the first time you are connecting with my story, my family lost my mom to this devastating disease on July 28, 2009. I will run this race for her, along with my whole family, that she lived every day for, and carry her courage, perseverance, compassion, and love along with me from now until the finish line and beyond. She was the heartbeat of our family and our home base.

Check out my fundraising page to learn more about this story . . . http://ow.ly/ukTos

When I made the commitment with the foundation, they sent me a wonderful "welcome to the team" email and the following quote. I am so excited about this decision and connecting with an organization that is making such a difference with a cause that I will always carry close to my heart.

“As a former runner, I know there are many personal reasons for pushing the limits of your body – the exhilaration, sense of freedom and joy of accomplishment. Now you are again raising your sights by serving the needs of others. Every stride you take gives strength to those who cannot walk, every breath gives hope to those who struggle to breathe. Thank you for your dedication, commitment and spirit of giving” ~ Steve Heronemus, current Les Turner ALS patient and Run for ALS Champion

Thought 13: Don't run angry . . .

I turned 13 years old the fall of 7th grade. My year playing the clarinet in the middle school band did not ignite any long term love of the instrument. I spent a lot of my middle school days participating in a local children's theatre group. I loved having roles both on and off stage. The experience brought me so much confidence. I was never a good singer, but I did stand up by myself and sing for an audition, including "Kids" from Bye Bye Birdie and "Castle on a Cloud" from Les Miserables. It taught me to put myself out there and step out of my comfort zone. My dad took me on our first daddy-daughter trip to New York City that same year. Theatre and the arts have always been a place of comfort and peace for me - a happy place for sure. 

I received a lot of great feedback from my last blog on the subject of fear. I think we all want to talk about the things that no one talks about. My minister gave a wonderful sermon this past Sunday on hope in the face of fear. I think that is so critical. It is ok to be afraid, but it doesn't mean you give up or stop trying. Hope to me is like water. I need it to live.

I shared some of my most difficult moments in my last blog and I must admit that there are many more that could be shared. It has taken me a long time to be able to write about these times and feelings, much less talk about them. I have lived most of my life as a pretty open book, but not everyone is that way. Privacy is so important and something to be highly respected. For me, I feel better when I talk about my experiences and I gain a sense of empowerment that I can use my journey, no matter how hard it was, to help others and make them feel less alone.

However, have I always been this positive, this hopeful? No. Just ask my husband or my dad. If I am going to talk about my fears, I need to talk about an even darker place - anger. Looking back, I think my hardest moments have not necessarily been the moments themselves, but more how I handled them. I have had to process through many, many years of anger and resentment. The moments where I showed my anger or took it out on the ones I love the most are the hardest for me. I have stomped, screamed, cried, shut down, cried, thrown up my hands, and cried more times than I can count. I unfortunately threw a lot of those feelings of anger toward Bob, my mom, and my dad. It aches my heart to think of how that must have felt on their end.

We always talked about it and I know in the end they understood. But, one thing I have learned, no matter how bad you feel physically and/or emotionally, it is never ok to take it out on others. I think Bob and I learned to be strong communicators through all of my health battles as we were forced to talk about it and deal with it. Otherwise, our marriage would never have lasted. He would call me out on it (and still does) and I didn't always like it. Thank goodness he did, as I needed to be held accountable.

Anger is so toxic to the system but unavoidable at certain times in your life. When I am angry, I become very impatient, withdrawn, short, and passive aggressive. I don't know how many times I walked out on a conversation with Bob and escaped to another room because I was just so mad and couldn't face the issue at hand. These years of built up anger made me feel depressed, bitter, resentful, lethargic, and moody. It just hurt so much.

I can't count how many times I have shouted "This is not fair" or "When will it be our turn to be happy?" I felt like I was standing at the start line and couldn't move while everyone just ran right by me. Outside of problems with asthma as a young child and seasonal allergies as a young girl (both I eventually grew out of), I had always been a very healthy person. I was 23 years old and two months into my young marriage and I was just so angry. Although, I didn't really know how serious this was going to become until a few years went by, but the anger grew and grew. It actually took me a lot of therapy to accept this hand I was dealt and make peace with those angry feelings. What happened to our 20s and carefree years? It felt like everyone around us was enjoying life and having fun and we were stuck at the starting line.

I was angry I was sick. I was angry I couldn't be the wife I though Bob deserved. I was angry I wasn't able to get pregnant. I was angry my reproductive system was sick and had to be removed. I was angry I was tired all the time. I was angry that I was depressed and had little motivation. All of this anger seemed irrelevant to the anger I felt about my mom being sick and then losing her. The feelings hit me like a wave and grew so big it consumed me. I can't really separate out the anger, fear, depression, and resentment, but dealing with those feelings has been a very long road.

I just want to be honest here. I am in such a better place in 2014 than I was even a year ago, but I was only able to do that by making sure all of the feelings (the good, bad, and ugly) were given due attention. I continue to struggle with my anger and sadness around my mom's passing and why she had to get sick in the first place. It is a process. All of my moments are part of my greater story and make me the person I am today. My anger and fears still creep up on me and I have to sit in those feelings. But I continue to get up and move forward. If you ignore them they will not go away - they will grow and fester and explode on you. As my mom always used to tell me, "be gentle with yourself." I am far from perfect, but I am working hard every day to understand myself better and where my past fits in my life now. I owe this to myself and my family. Give your mind and body some space and time and you just might find some peace too.

Speaking of a peaceful place, my running is going well. I had a rough couple of weeks with my knee and lat band injury acting up. I eased up a bit on the training and attacked it with a lot of ice and foam rolling and I feel a lot better. I ran 11 miles last weekend and feel back on track to run the Publix Atlanta Half Marathon on March 23!

A note of housekeeping, I was really hoping to post my blog each Friday morning. Well, now that my three-year-old has dropped her only nap, my time to write has become limited. So, I will still try to post on Friday morning, but if it comes a few days late, you will know why! There will also be weeks here and there when I won't post a blog due to travel or other reasons.