I received a lot of great feedback from my last blog on the subject of fear. I think we all want to talk about the things that no one talks about. My minister gave a wonderful sermon this past Sunday on hope in the face of fear. I think that is so critical. It is ok to be afraid, but it doesn't mean you give up or stop trying. Hope to me is like water. I need it to live.
I shared some of my most difficult moments in my last blog and I must admit that there are many more that could be shared. It has taken me a long time to be able to write about these times and feelings, much less talk about them. I have lived most of my life as a pretty open book, but not everyone is that way. Privacy is so important and something to be highly respected. For me, I feel better when I talk about my experiences and I gain a sense of empowerment that I can use my journey, no matter how hard it was, to help others and make them feel less alone.
However, have I always been this positive, this hopeful? No. Just ask my husband or my dad. If I am going to talk about my fears, I need to talk about an even darker place - anger. Looking back, I think my hardest moments have not necessarily been the moments themselves, but more how I handled them. I have had to process through many, many years of anger and resentment. The moments where I showed my anger or took it out on the ones I love the most are the hardest for me. I have stomped, screamed, cried, shut down, cried, thrown up my hands, and cried more times than I can count. I unfortunately threw a lot of those feelings of anger toward Bob, my mom, and my dad. It aches my heart to think of how that must have felt on their end.
We always talked about it and I know in the end they understood. But, one thing I have learned, no matter how bad you feel physically and/or emotionally, it is never ok to take it out on others. I think Bob and I learned to be strong communicators through all of my health battles as we were forced to talk about it and deal with it. Otherwise, our marriage would never have lasted. He would call me out on it (and still does) and I didn't always like it. Thank goodness he did, as I needed to be held accountable.
Anger is so toxic to the system but unavoidable at certain times in your life. When I am angry, I become very impatient, withdrawn, short, and passive aggressive. I don't know how many times I walked out on a conversation with Bob and escaped to another room because I was just so mad and couldn't face the issue at hand. These years of built up anger made me feel depressed, bitter, resentful, lethargic, and moody. It just hurt so much.
I can't count how many times I have shouted "This is not fair" or "When will it be our turn to be happy?" I felt like I was standing at the start line and couldn't move while everyone just ran right by me. Outside of problems with asthma as a young child and seasonal allergies as a young girl (both I eventually grew out of), I had always been a very healthy person. I was 23 years old and two months into my young marriage and I was just so angry. Although, I didn't really know how serious this was going to become until a few years went by, but the anger grew and grew. It actually took me a lot of therapy to accept this hand I was dealt and make peace with those angry feelings. What happened to our 20s and carefree years? It felt like everyone around us was enjoying life and having fun and we were stuck at the starting line.
I was angry I was sick. I was angry I couldn't be the wife I though Bob deserved. I was angry I wasn't able to get pregnant. I was angry my reproductive system was sick and had to be removed. I was angry I was tired all the time. I was angry that I was depressed and had little motivation. All of this anger seemed irrelevant to the anger I felt about my mom being sick and then losing her. The feelings hit me like a wave and grew so big it consumed me. I can't really separate out the anger, fear, depression, and resentment, but dealing with those feelings has been a very long road.
I just want to be honest here. I am in such a better place in 2014 than I was even a year ago, but I was only able to do that by making sure all of the feelings (the good, bad, and ugly) were given due attention. I continue to struggle with my anger and sadness around my mom's passing and why she had to get sick in the first place. It is a process. All of my moments are part of my greater story and make me the person I am today. My anger and fears still creep up on me and I have to sit in those feelings. But I continue to get up and move forward. If you ignore them they will not go away - they will grow and fester and explode on you. As my mom always used to tell me, "be gentle with yourself." I am far from perfect, but I am working hard every day to understand myself better and where my past fits in my life now. I owe this to myself and my family. Give your mind and body some space and time and you just might find some peace too.
Speaking of a peaceful place, my running is going well. I had a rough couple of weeks with my knee and lat band injury acting up. I eased up a bit on the training and attacked it with a lot of ice and foam rolling and I feel a lot better. I ran 11 miles last weekend and feel back on track to run the Publix Atlanta Half Marathon on March 23!
A note of housekeeping, I was really hoping to post my blog each Friday morning. Well, now that my three-year-old has dropped her only nap, my time to write has become limited. So, I will still try to post on Friday morning, but if it comes a few days late, you will know why! There will also be weeks here and there when I won't post a blog due to travel or other reasons.
No comments:
Post a Comment