Thought 31: Looking on the bright side . . .

I loved working at the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. I still can't believe I landed that job. I went from helping run a program for homeless students through the Washtenaw County school systems to writing grants in the arts world. I wanted to work in fundraising and I had enjoyed my opportunities to write grants in my last couple of jobs. So, I was lucky enough to interview with someone that believed in me - thank you Ann. I learned so much in my time with the DSO. One of the best parts was sneaking over to the concert hall during the day and watching the orchestra practice. I saw a lot of concerts in my time there and I loved it all. Although this was a change from my work in social services, it was good for my soul at 31 years old and the experience was invaluable. I worked with the best people and never minded the commute to downtown Detroit. Looking back, that commute is just an average day in Atlanta! 

As I write this blog, I am watching my three-week old niece sleep. Is there anything more peaceful than a sleeping baby? Her world is so new, so full of hope and big dreams. I want her to always feel that is true. I sure do.

I am an optimist. Although I have been challenged in almost every way to lose hope, become cynical, stop believing, I still stand as an optimist. I still believe in the good in people and community. I don't believe that all politicians have poor intentions and it is still possible to be inspired. I continue to pray and hope for world peace. I call it optimism while some may just say I am naive. Either way, I think having individuals like me in the world is important and I refuse to let go of what feels natural to me.

I have felt my optimism challenged a lot lately, especially over the past month. Although I am hopeful, it doesn't mean I am not scared. The news over the last several weeks is so concerning. From Ferguson to the Middle East to Russia to increasing terrorist threats, an optimist can start to wonder, is there still room for hope? Are we naive to think that things can get better? Can we save our environment? Can we feel safe to send our kids to school again? Will our leaders ever learn to work together for the betterment of our communities and people? Can't we all just get along????

The world we live in today is a hard place for an optimist to stay an optimist. I am really struggling with what the world will look like for Megan and, hopefully, one day my grandchildren. I think we all share these concerns. But I am holding onto my hope as best I can. Some days are better than others, but I have faith that the good guys will win in the end.

I think I come from a family of optimists in many ways. My parents have always been optimistic people, which I'm sure is where I get it from. My dad's mantra to me through all my health challenges was to "not let the son of a bitches keep you down." He wanted me to get mad about it so the fire in my belly would rage strong and I would never give up. My parents always knew everything would eventually be ok, no matter what my brothers and I were going through. Although my dad is an attorney and my mom was an early childhood educator, they are both advocates at heart. They both have worked hard on the state and local level for better programs to educate children or build better communities. You have to be an optimist to work for change for over 40 years. There have been times they grew tired of the fight, but they never gave up. They always believed change was possible. My dad still feels that way and continues to make a difference for his family and profession.

Optimists do want to make a difference because they believe they can make one. As I think about returning to work in the next year or so, I am trying to figure out how I can make a difference for someone or something. I am so optimistic about Megan's future and the great impact she will make on the world. I do hope she will be an optimist too, that no matter what happens, she believes that things will be ok. This doesn't mean I'm not realistic. I feel like I can be both. For example, I realize my marathon will be a monumental task, but I'm optimistic I can finish it!

I'm not trying to be annoying with positivity. Really. I just refuse to let go of my optimistic nature. I think my faith in God plays a role here as my worries for our world are bigger than me. I pray that things will improve for our nation and those around the world. I feel there is a greater plan for our world that brings peace and goodness. But my fears and worries will not win, whether I am concerned about all those affected by the Middle East crisis or a friend battling cancer. I am proud to be the optimist in the room and always enjoy company.

I will now go back to snuggling with my niece and dreaming of all the possibilities for her, for me, and for all of you.

Thought 30: Depression, me too . . .

Bob threw me a surprise party for my 30th birthday at one of our favorite Ann Arbor restaurants - Pizza House. Wow, I miss living there! All of our friends were there. I started my 30s going to work for the Detroit Symphony Orchestra as a grant writer, but was struggling a lot with my Crohn's Disease and the complications that came with multiple surgeries. I remember not being very excited about turning 30 as I was not feeling very good about myself. I wanted to be a mother and felt like everyone around me was in the race and I was stuck at the start line. Living with a chronic illness takes over everything and you struggle seeing life outside of that world. The year 2004 was also when my mom was diagnosed with ALS. I will never forget that moment. She and my dad had gone up to Johns Hopkins Hospital to get another opinion about why she was having trouble with her foot and weak leg. I had just left work and was driving through the streets of Detroit to the interstate home. My mom called me and told me the doctors thought she had ALS. I pulled over and knew our lives would never be the same.

I have struggled with getting my thoughts down this week about this topic. I was really blown away by the passing of Robin Williams and learning about all the challenges he was facing in his personal life. We idolize celebrities and forget sometimes that they are just people and have struggles like every one else. My MSW training is in mental health, particularly with children and youth, but I have not worked directly with people in over a decade. However, I do understand mental illness and the great need for it to be given the same treatment as any other physical condition. In my work at The Carter Center, I was honored to share information with donors about Mrs. Carter's work and the Center's Mental Health Program. The need for mental health to have a louder voice and equal attention is not a new issue. Starting a national conversation has been attempted for decades and has been going on for that long among some professional circles. It is just difficult that we only hear the conversation when a tragedy like the death of a beloved star or an act of violence occurs. I just get so frustrated with the continued difficulty of our country to appreciate the importance of understanding the connection between our minds and bodies as one and embracing those individuals that are struggling with diseases of the brain, like depression. It should be ok to talk about it, just like it is ok to talk about Crohn's Disease, heart disease, cancer, and ALS. So I will.

I suffer from acute depression. I am saying it out loud without any fear that I will be judged for it. It is quiet right now, but I continue to take a low dose of Lexapro. It took me a long time to face this diagnosis when I was in my late 20s and early 30s, when I felt like I was drowning in medical problems. I was not comfortable talking about it, and I was in the mental health field. Stigma and feeling like you will be judged for something that is not in your control is an isolating feeling. I have faced some very dark days over the past 17 years for a variety of reasons, but the depression that developed inside me when challenged with a chronic medical condition really made those days more difficult. When I am sad, I cry, a lot. I have had many days when I did not want to get out of bed or would just put my head on my desk at work and feel so exhausted. I felt so alone at times, even though I have always been surrounded with people that love me. Its amazing how you can feel so alone even though you have people standing beside you, loving you.

I have met with multiple therapists over the years, with only one I truly connected with and felt helped me to a better place. I have gone on and off antidepressants over the last five years, feeling stronger some months more than others. I will continue to stay on my low dose as of now since I am feeling in a good place. Is it really making a big difference for me? I am not really sure, but I am doing well, so no need to mess with it right now. I hope to ease off of it after the marathon to see how I am doing. I am not sure the depression I have experienced will be a lifelong problem, but I think taking care of my mental health will always be a priority as I know it can creep up at any time, as life happens.

One thing I have learned through facing depression over the years is I am not alone. I have encountered people in my life that don't think antidepressants are necessary or a good idea and don't understand the connection with depression. Its not about being stronger or getting over the pain you are facing. I know more people than not that have faced depression at some point in their lives or struggle with it on an ongoing basis, some very severely. I have found great comfort in those friends and being able to lean on each other. Mental health advocates have worked tirelessly for decades to reduce the stigma around mental illness and increasing the quality, accessibility, and availability of care. I am all up for igniting the national conversation about the importance of mental health, but let's do it already! I wanted to share my experience with depression as a way to promote that conversation and be another voice to support a solution to what is clearly a national crisis.

Although Robin Williams suffered from depression and addiction, and it appears Parkinson's Disease, it is not the job of the public to determine what led him to take his own life. Nor is it even our business. I will celebrate him as a gifted artist and national treasure. My heart goes out to his family and friends, especially his wife and children. They are the ones that will have to come to peace with his passing and make the courageous steps forward to move on with their lives without him. Because it does take courage and bravery to stand up every day and take on life, even when everything in you tells you to stay in bed. I send my love and eternal thanks to my husband, parents, in laws, and the rest of my circle of family and friends that have stood by me and been there for me, even when I made it very hard to do so. I stand here a stronger wife, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, and friend. But I am never alone and I feel eternally grateful.

Thought 29: I think I can, I think I can . . .

The year I turned 29, Bob and I decided to treat ourselves and headed to Hawaii for our 5th anniversary. It was an amazing time and a break we both needed desperately. We had a direct flight from Detroit to Honolulu. We spent one night there so we could tour Pearl Harbor the next morning. We then headed to Maui for a week. We are actually thinking about heading back in 2015 to celebrate our 40th birthdays! I think that trip in 2003 was one of the first times we truly relaxed together. I was feeling pretty good at the time and we enjoyed having the chance to isolate ourselves and leave our worries on the mainland. From scuba diving off the back of a catamaran, hearing whales sing underwater, and having a picnic by a waterfall on the way to Hana, we truly enjoyed this time of pure bliss. We have learned since then the importance of getting away together to reconnect. It is definitely a happy thought for me. 

I know it is a common feeling at this point in marathon training, but I am feeling pretty burned out. I have been running consistently and training for something for over a year now and I am just tired. What's funny is, I have not even broken into my longer runs yet. It sure does make the next two months feel really intimidating. I am nervously anticipating my run this Saturday as I will take on my longest run yet - 15 miles. The last two weeks have not been easy for me in terms of my training. I have attempted to run with a local running club the past two Saturdays. My problem is, I am just not up to their pace yet. This issue did not seem to matter the first Saturday I was with them since we were running through Buckhead neighborhoods and there were a lot of people out and about. I just do not want to feel alone. However, this past Saturday was a different story. After about 2 miles into my run, I ended up in neighborhoods I was unfamiliar with near Grant Park and was completely alone. I had a page full of turns and directions to get me through my 10 miles, but I have to say I was nervous. I did not know my surroundings and I was spending more time finding my next turn instead of focusing on my running. 

So, in moving forward, I think I am going to head back to my favorite trail. This would not be an issue for me, except for the fact that just two weeks ago, a young runner was attacked on the trail at miles 19.2 and brutally beaten. I have thought about her and her family a lot and send my love and prayers to them as she fights to recover. However, in being honest, I have been spooked by it. I will never be out that far on the trail, but it doesn't mean it could not happen anywhere. I have grown scared of being out there without other people nearby. It should not be this way. I am proud our community has taken this trail back by storm and refuse to let someone scare us all off from doing what we love. Therefore, my feet will be hitting the familiar pavement of the Silver Comet Trail next Saturday for my 15-mile run. The trail is bustling with people every Saturday morning, so I will be running with them as I go 7.5 miles out and 7.5 miles back. I just want to run and focus on my own race.  

The past two weeks have also thrown a big, unanticipated obstacle in my way. I wasn't sure I was going to share this here, but why should I stop holding back now. I ran 12 miles on the trail two weeks ago and my ostomy started giving me trouble. I realized I had never run this far in the heat and my body was not reacting well. I think the sweat and heat are the problem, but I have to overcome it either way. It happened again the following Saturday when I ran 13 miles. I was over the top frustrated. I am taking some steps to problem solve, but I won't know until I get out there again. I was fine during my 10 mile run this past Saturday, but next weekend will be a big test. I never anticipated this being an issue, but I will not let it keep me from meeting my goal. I am also starting to feel the aches and pains that come with these long distances, mainly in my left leg and hip. Stretching, foam roller, and ice are my best friends right now. I am also going to make an appointment with my physical therapist this week. 

I busted open my new running shoes this weekend for my 10 mile run. These bright baby blues will take me across the finish line in Chicago! My feet are pretty excited to have these happy colors holding them close. My niece Kaylen was with me when we bought these shoes a couple of weeks ago. We also bought some new socks, which included a bright pink pair that I told her I would wear in her honor on race day. 

The best feeling that has come out of the past two weeks of running is knowing I can do this and trusting my legs. As long as I continue to stretch, eat right, and prepare my body, I know I can do this. It does not mean I am not terrified and walking around with a nervous stomach many days, but I know I can run this marathon. Through writing this blog, sharing my experience and thoughts, I am finding my true self. Sometimes I cry, get mad, feel depressed and unsure, but at the end of the day, I can stand up and know I am being my best self. It is important for me to show the world that, but most of all, I have to show it to myself. I want to run into my 40s with confidence and strength, and no matter what happens, I know that wish will come true. 

Here is one of my favorites quotes that Bob sent me this weekend before my run . . . some inspiration for your week!

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation - http://ow.ly/ukTos.