Thought 22: Lighten Up Francis . . .

We were so young, but old enough to know that we wanted to be together forever. After we graduated college together in May 1997, I went home to live with my parents in Florida and Bob was just two months behind as he was starting a PhD program in Chemistry at Florida State University (now there is a story). I was not sure what I was doing next, but I knew I wanted to be close to Bob. The day he moved down was a big day for him. He had never lived more than an hour from where he grew up. We were both 22 years old and trying to figure out our place in the world. When he arrived, you could tell he was nervous about this big change. My mom and dad asked me to go "run an errand" and pick up some papers from a friend's house. They did a good job of stalling me. Bob wanted me out of the house so he could ask my parents for my hand in marriage. My dad told him that was fine as long as he changed the windshield wipers on my dad's car. Anyone who knows my dad will appreciate that humor. I came back and went upstairs to tell Bob that dinner was ready. He took my hand and shared the sweetest words while giving me a box. I opened it to find a Precious Moments couple of a boy proposing to a girl. I looked up at him and he was already on his knee. After I said yes and started crying, I immediately ran downstairs to tell my parents. Funny thing is, Bob still hasn't changed the windshield wipers on my dad's car. 

On Mother's Day, Bob suggested I get out of the house and go see a movie. I had been sick at home for almost a week and Megan was sick all weekend with a fever. He knew I was going stir crazy, so I took his advice. I did not want to see something that would make me sad, so I decided to give the movie Neighbors a try. It was TERRIBLE. I almost left early, but I was enjoying my popcorn and alone time. Either I am just old or it was just that bad. I don't get to an actual theater very often, so I appreciated the treat either way.

I LOVE movies, especially seeing them in an actual theater. I love how they make me feel and how immersed I get in the storyline and characters. If I could have any job in the world (and be given the talent to go along with it), I would be a movie director. I am fascinated with the behind the scenes action and how the whole thing comes together. My cousin Matt is a director and writer and I always tell him that I want to be his assistant. He thinks I'm kidding.

It's funny how you can remember where you were or who you were with when you saw certain movies. I remember my mom covering my eyes when she took my brothers and I to see Raiders of the Lost Ark because she thought it was too scary for me. I remember falling asleep to a Star Trek movie with my best friend Erica. I remember my dad and brother Mike taking me to see Hoosiers and assuring me that it was "not about basketball." I remember my brothers and I going to see Rain Man at the theater while my parents were throwing a dinner party, the only movie we ever went to see just the three of us. I will never forget going to see Forrest Gump with my parents and brothers and how blown away we all were with how good it was - not something that happens very often. I remember going to see Back to the Future in the theater and having to split up from my family to find a seat because it was sold out. I remember going to see Titanic with Bob after our honeymoon cruise through the Caribbean. We were glad we waited until we got back to go see it. I remember going to the movies and seeing The Notebook with Bob's family at the beach, our favorite rainy day beach activity before kids, and crying my eyes out.

My brother Mike and I have always enjoyed going to the movies together. It was out little date when I was younger. Bob and I share the love of going to the movies (and sharing popcorn) and always enjoyed catching a double feature when we were in college and married without kids. Once we tried a triple feature, but I think that took it a little too far. We always went through the ethical dilemma of whether or not to pay for the second movie or just sneak over. We are good kids. We always went out and bought the second set of tickets. Nowadays, we are lucky to get to the movie theater a couple times a year. We definitely need to make time for regular date nights, but we need a deeper bench on the babysitter front to make that possible.

In 2003, one of my best friends Melissa and I met in Los Angeles for the Academy Awards weekend. We hit all the sites including Rodeo Drive, the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Grauman's Chinese Theater, Venice Beach, and the Kodak Theater. Our eyes hurt by the end of the weekend looking for celebrities. We did see Nicole Kidman hold up her Oscar as she was getting in her car as we congregated with the crowd across the street from the Kodak Theater. It was good fun and a wonderful time catching up with a lifetime friend.

I have always wanted to take the list of "Best Picture" movies and start watching the ones I have not seen. Not that a movie's worth is based on whether or not it wins an award. Its funny, many of the "Best Picture" winners are probably movies that my dad tried to get me to watch growing up and I thought I was too cool to watch his old favorites. He gave me a copy of his all-time favorite movie recently that did win a Best Supporting Actor award in its day, A Thousand Clowns. This is not a movie most people have probably heard of these days, but this was a staple in our house growing up. As much as I complained when I was younger, it is actually a really good movie. As my dad always tells me, "You can never have too many eagles."

It is impossible for me to a pick a list of my favorites as I know I am forgetting one. I tend to lean toward Dramas as I like a movie that has a good message behind it and will bring up a lot of emotions in me. I looked through my DVD collection to help, but I would say the following movies would always be in my top favorites . . . 

The Color Purple

Shawshank Redemption

Forrest Gump

When Harry Met Sally

Juno

Rounders

Dead Poet's Society

The American President

Good Will Hunting

Sound of Music

A Few Good Men

I have so many favorites from each decade like Pretty Woman from the 90s or Can't But Me Love from the 80s. I hope Stripes fans appreciated the reference in the title of my blog. Then I remember classics like Gone with the Wind, Music Man, and Wizard of Oz. I always love a good classic, and if it is a musical, even better. My mom and I loved the movie Stepmom - talk about a movie that will make me cry. Bob and I always enjoy watching our regular favorites like Rounders and The Italian Job. I just can't get enough and the list goes on and on. It is not often a movie blows you away and it seems less and less so as the years go by. But when it does, it just lights me up inside. 

On a running note, my gym has a cardio theater where they have three rows of treadmills and you can watch the movie of the day on a huge movie theater size screen while you run. I had to run 5 miles on the treadmill the other day because I didn't have a sitter for Megan so I could run outside. I was dreading it because I prefer the outdoors and was just hoping for a good movie. I was pleasantly surprised in Jack Reacher with Tom Cruise. It was starting at the beginning, so I was able to see the first 55 minutes or so. I was pleasantly surprised and would like to watch the rest sometime. It distracted me enough to get in my best treadmill workout in a long time. I had a great running week and clocked in 16 miles total. Here I come Hollywood!

Please share your favorite movies or favorite movie memory . . . 

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation -  http://ow.ly/ukTos. 

Thought 21: Happy Thoughts . . .

One of my greatest academic challenges came when I was 21 years old and a junior in college. Furman is well known for their undergraduate research program and I was lucky to be a part of it. I will never forget the name of my study, "The Effects of Age on the Recognition of Performed Activities." I am proud I can recall that without any hesitation. I spent the summer of 1996 working on this psychological study as well as the whole next year and into my senior year. I had to recruit 60 students and 60 older adults over the age of 65 to participate in the study. It took an hour and a half each time and I could only test 3 people at once. I had to choose a committee of three Psychology professors to propose the project to as well as defend my findings in a formal presentation the winter of my senior year. It took me a year and a half to finish the research, write the paper, and defend the findings. I'll never forget the feeling of relief when I walked out of that presentation - probably my proudest moment in my education journey. 

I may finally be coming out of my fog. Over the past two months or so, especially the past three weeks, I have not felt like myself. Since my half marathon in March, I have felt burnt out on my running and overall pretty lethargic. I was worried it was something more going on physically, but I now know sometimes you are just tired because you are just tired. I have put a lot of pressure on myself with this running journey and my body just needed a break. After fighting the fatigue for about a month, I decided to give in and dial things back for a few weeks. I do pretty well when I just listen to what my body is telling me. I turned down the mileage on my running, checked in with my physical therapist, and tried to ease the pressure off a bit.

Things were feeling better until I came down with a stomach virus that knocked me down for a week and a half and sent me to the emergency room twice for fluids from dehydration. With having an illeostomy, dehydration comes on so quickly and there is no amount of Gatorade that can make it better. Doctors always run extra tests on me when they hear my medical history, especially doctors that have never met me or don't know me very well. After hearing things like "your Crohn's Disease could be flaring up" (which would be the first time in 7 years) or "you might have a partial intestinal blockage," I think everyone involved is pretty sure it was a stomach virus. But thank you to the medical community for the good scare.  I do appreciate them all being very careful and thorough.

It is times like this that I call on my bank of happy thoughts. Everyone needs a happy thought. Whether it is a place, a time, a person, an object, everyone needs a thought that can center them and provide a sense of calmness. When I am in the middle of a difficult moment, I close my eyes and try to channel one of these thoughts.  I think we all need them for a variety of reasons.

Here are a few of mine . . .

A memory . . . This picture is from one of my favorite days with my family. This is actually one of the few pictures we have of just the five of us. My mom was awarded the "Champion for Children Award" for all her work in early childhood education in Florida.  My dad encouraged us all to come home and surprise her for the awards dinner. My two brothers and I came from three different cities and arrived together at my dad's office. My mom was holding a board meeting there for her day care center. We all walked into the meeting together and surprised her. She just stood up, immediately started crying and said "These are my children." Now that was a good day. My mom will always be one of the happy thoughts that brings me the most comfort, especially when I hear one of our favorite songs. We could really rock it out dancing to music. 

A place . . . Bob and I went to Hawaii for our fifth anniversary and have always longed to go back. Any tropical location will really do, but this was the view from our wonderful little hotel in Maui and I often close my eyes and feel better just picturing it and imagining the sounds of the ocean.  I grew up 15 minutes from the beach and have always found it to be a place of peace for me. My parents used to bury me in the sand as a child, with my bald head sticking out, and I would just fall asleep.

A person . . . I am blessed to have so many people in my life that bring a sense of calmness and peace to my soul. For so long, the love and moments I have shared with my brother's kids have been my happy thoughts. I have always cherished the relationships I have with each of them and the laughter and special moments we have had together throughout their childhoods. For example, my nieces Ally and Morgan have laughs that are like no other. When I need a happy thought, I will just close my eyes and channel the sounds of their giggles. Instant smile! Sometimes when I am struggling with my running or tackling a big hill, I picture my family and friends running beside me or cheering me on at the top of the hill. Thank you Leslie for all the high fives! 

The moment . . . This past week, Bob and I were excited to celebrate three years since we finalized Megan's adoption in a Utah courtroom, almost 6 months to the day after she was born. Although I felt like she was ours from the moment she came into this world and into our arms, that special day in May will always be a day our family celebrates. A happy thought indeed! I remember sitting outside of the courtroom giving her a bottle, just hoping she would last through the proceedings. After all of the formalities had been completed, the judge turned to us and asked us how we felt about Megan. I immediately started crying as I was so full of emotion and doing my best to find just the right words. Megan and Bob are my greatest sources of happiness and bring me the peace and comfort I need during all the highs, lows, and everything in between. 

The happy thoughts for me continue on and on with moments like taking Megan to Disney World for the first time or seeing Bob, Megan, and my dad cheering me to the finish line of the Publix Half Marathon in March. My mother-in-law's cooking has to be mentioned as just the thought of it has brought me great comfort over the years, although having it is much better! Life is so hard, but the more we live, the more opportunities we have to create new happy thoughts and grow our reserves for when we need them the most. 

So, now that the fog has cleared, I am ready to officially start my marathon training. Thank you to my dear friends for being there while I was sick and helping with Megan. Sometimes, in fact, mommies do get sick. Summer is here and the heat has arrived. I am spending a few days in Florida this weekend and will be running six miles as my first official long run. Since I don't have my trusty, favorite trail nearby, I will be trekking out from my dad's house to our favorite local breakfast place. It is about six miles in between, and what a happy thought for me knowing that I will have the #3 special of french toast, bacon, and grits waiting for me when I finish! 

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation -  http://ow.ly/ukTos. 

Thought 20: Feeling surrounded . . .

It is hard to believe that college students have to decide what they want to do the rest of their life by the end of their sophomore year. I was lucky as I knew my major would be psychology before I even stepped on to the Furman campus. When I was 20 years old, I walked into the office of Lib Nanny in the basement of Plyler Hall to declare being a psych major. Looking back now I would still choose that path, but I probably would have stuck a semester of foreign study in there. I am proud I survived Furman as a psych major - trust me, it is a badge of honor. Furman prepared me so much as a writer and researcher - a foundation I will forever benefit from both professionally and personally. 

My first touch with cancer (at least when I was aware) came when I was 19 years old. My Granddaddy (dad's dad) passed away from lung cancer at the end of my first semester in college. I was of course devastated as this was also the first time I really encountered death in my own family. My BaPa (mom's dad) passed away when I was an infant. I will always wish I had the chance to get to know him, but I am glad he had the chance to meet me. Other than my Granddaddy, I had not encountered a lot of cancer in my life until my 30s, at least that was on my radar screen. I don't know if it just wasn't really there or I just wasn't paying attention.

I have been very troubled and disturbed lately with how much cancer I see around me. Maybe I became more aware when I had my brush with renal cancer in 2012. Since my tumor was operable, I never really felt like I had "cancer." I never really felt like I could claim I was part of the club. I did not have to undergo any chemotherapy or radiation. I just had an operation and it was gone. But I will never forget the moment when I got the call from my doctor with the diagnosis. I was standing in the middle of a grassy field with Megan and some friends. I felt like my whole life had come to a halt and my mind went straight to the worst case scenario. I was terrified. My biggest question and worry throughout that experience was, how did my body create this? Will it do it again? There is no answer to this, but I will continue to get scanned and checked out annually to make sure I am cancer free.

I also have to admit that I have had some bitterness toward all the attention toward cancer since losing my mom. The "C" word (which my mom always told me was a bad word in her house growing up) is always seen as the worst possible diagnosis. After watching my mom lose her life to ALS, a disease that has no cure or treatment, I thought that at least cancer has treatment options - at least there is some hope. I have had to work through a lot of anger about my mom having such a harsh diagnosis. The thing is though, it is all very harsh and makes no sense. Why my loved one? Why now? What are our options? Sometimes there are options and sometimes there are not. Either way, facing a possible terminal illness, you or a family member, is frightening, devastating, and debilitating, no matter the diagnosis.

My sweet Jennie on the far left. 

I have seen cancer hit the lives of many friends and some family members over the course of the past five years in particular, and some before then. But the last two years I have seen the very best outcomes along with the very worst. I am overwhelmed by how much suffering I see out there to cancer. The thing that made June 2012 (the month I had my tumor removed) so terribly difficult and awakening to me was I lost a dear friend and colleague to breast cancer (Jennie) who was a few years younger to me, as well as an old work colleague to colon cancer that was only two years older than me. I learned about both recovering in my bed at home and was just floored by it. My dear friend Jennie, who will always be one of the best people I have ever met, made such a dynamic mark on this world. She had a spirit that was like no other and I just wish I had been there for her during her last year and had the chance to know her better. She is a loss I will never understand.

Then I watched one of my very best friends face a breast cancer diagnosis in fall 2012 and come through the other end of it just fine. She faced her diagnosis and treatment with such strength and I am glad that I had the chance to be close to her as she took that journey. We celebrate her today as she recently gave birth to twins and hopefully will continue to stay cancer free. The thing that has been the hardest for me is to see so many young people in their 30s and 40s battling this diagnosis. I guess I never noticed it before because I wasn't in that age group, but I do think there is a higher trend in seeing cancer in younger populations. Some people I learn about are friends, friends of friends, or complete strangers. The hardest to understand will always be children. A friend of mine from college lost her son last year. I just find it all very maddening. It can be cancer, heart disease, ALS, or whatever, seeing so much pain at any age is something that hits me hard at my core. I am a person that internalizes the problems and pain of others and feels so helpless that there is nothing I can do to help.

I know that cancer and other diseases will be something I will see more and more of as I get older. Although, I stay hopeful that over the next 10 years we will see some scientific breakthroughs. I am a big supporter of stem cell research and think that it holds some great possibilities for treatment and cures. I just feel like right now I am surrounded by stories of cancer, both from people I know and strangers. I continue to participate in the intercessory prayer ministry at my church and spend an hour a week praying for others. I see a lot of difficult cancer stories there from every age.

This week has been particularly difficult as I watch one of my best friends face her dad's losing battle with cancer. It hits me so hard for so many reasons, but mainly I don't want to see someone I love hurting.  My heart is with her and her dad as they share some important moments together in the coming days. I dedicated my 10K run to him in January and was hoping so badly that his run with cancer would be at a better place now. She knows I love her from the bottom of my heart and I will be here for whatever happens.

Some people say "cancer sucks" and it absolutely does. Pain and loss sucks. Losing a loved one sucks. However "sucks" does not seem like the appropriate word. I think every person that deals with it probably has a different word they would use. I am still searching for the right one. Any diagnosis that can threaten your life or cause you pain is devastating. But I am determined not to lose my hopeful spirit. Otherwise, why would I say a prayer. I pray that all of my friends and family (including myself) that have faced cancer don't ever have to again. I pray that those losing the battle can be surrounded by their loved ones and see that their life can continue through the eyes and spirit of those they love the most. Ultimately, I pray that they find a cure, which is why hope is so important.