Thought 7: A ring on a finger . . .

As a seven-year-old girl, my life pretty much centered around 2nd grade at St. Teresa Catholic School, playing with my friends, dance class, swimming, Brownies, and keeping up with my older brothers. My parents hung the moon in my eyes (and still do). I loved playing with dolls and riding my bike around my neighborhood. Erica and Laura were my two best friends and playing at their houses was heaven for me. I always cried when I had to go home. Toys are always cooler at someone else's house. I was blessed to have a very innocent and carefree childhood. 

Sometimes he has had to be strong enough for the both of us, and sometimes that meant he wore a ring on his pinky finger.

Today I have the honor of celebrating 16 years of marriage to the love of my life and my very best friend. There are not words to describe how much I love my Bob and the blessings he has brought to my life. I believe with all of my heart that I would not be here without him. He loves me unconditionally and has never wavered in his loyalty and support. I could not be more proud of him as a husband, father, son, brother, uncle, friend, and professional. He is a great man. His heart is full for his family and friends and there is nothing he would not do for them. I am so honored to be a Hubbard and be his wife.

Bob and I met in 1994 during the spring of our freshman year at Furman University.  We did not start becoming good friends until the following spring. After a spring and summer of flirtation and a growing friendship, we started dating in September 1995. I knew I had found something special in Bob, but little did I know that God was sending me my greatest gift.

On July 24, 1997, I had an engagement ring put on my finger and I said yes to my sweetie when he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. We were both 22 years old and less than two months out of college. We were babies, but we were crazy in love and knew we wanted to take our next steps in life together. Bob asked me to marry him the same day he moved to Tallahassee to start a PhD program in Chemistry at Florida State (now there is a story). We were not sure what the future would hold, but we just knew we wanted to do it together. So, the ring was now on my finger.

Less than 6 months later, on December 27, 1997, we were at the altar of the First Presbyterian Church in downtown Tallahassee saying our vows and promising to love and support each other forever in front of all of our family and friends . . . in sickness or in health. We exchanged rings and understood what they symbolized. Looking back, I don't think the promises and vows made on that special day can be truly understood until they are lived, until they are tested. It was less than two months into our newlywed days that our world changed forever. 

In February 1998, I started exhibiting my first symptoms of Crohn's Disease. We didn't know until about three years later that this was my diagnosis, but it was a rough ride getting there and an even rougher ride afterwards. I was just so sick. Bob was there. I didn't always know why I didn't feel good. He was there. In the midst of these early years, I decided to pursue my Masters in Social Work, and after a great deal of looking around at programs and Bob soul searching on what he really wanted to do with his life (not Chemistry), we decided to take my acceptance to the University of Michigan (Go Blue!) and move to Ann Arbor. Bob was supportive all along the way - a life changing move for both of us in almost every way. 

The health problems only became worse as the months and years continued. While earning my Masters degree, we traveled with my parents to Rochester, Minnesota so I could get evaluated at the Mayo Clinic in hopes of finding out why I was so sick. Bob held my hand the whole time, through every test and every doctor consultation. I did not have my first surgery until June 2001 when Bob and I decided that we needed a new treatment plan. There was not a medication or treatment that was slowing the progression of my Crohn's Disease. Through it all, Bob was there. 

If you have had any kind of medical procedure you know you are not allowed to wear any jewelry. I had never taken my wedding ring off for anything. At my most vulnerable moment, I had to let go and remove it. Instead of putting it in my purse or putting it in his pocket, Bob put my rings on his pinky finger (I have thin fingers like my dad). This became a tradition for him. Surgery after surgery (over 20 times over), I handed my rings over to Bob before they wheeled me away and he put them on his pinky and waited for me. This always provided me with a lot of comfort. It wasn't about the monetary value. It was about knowing that I was with him. 

I have struggled with the pain and stress my health challenges have caused Bob over many, many years. The time we lost. Always knowing he didn't bargain for this. Your twenties are supposed to be a carefree time, right? Not for everyone I have learned and I now know we were not alone. It was a terribly difficult time, but we don't choose to look at it that way. We have had a lot of fun over the years and would never let these challenges define our lives. The strength that we exhibited as a team is what makes us such a special love story today. We lived our vows and the promises we made to each other that cold and windy December day. We still do and it means so much more now. You could say we are lucky to have such a strong and healthy marriage and we would agree. However, we worked and fought very hard for it too. We have stood together and sometimes for each other. We now stand together as a family with our beautiful daughter and could not feel more complete. I hear God telling me every day, "You are going to have to go through this, but I am going to give you this." 

Thought 6: It's all in my head . . .

When I was six years old, my family moved temporarily from Titusville, Florida to Tallahassee while my dad served as Special Counsel to then Governor Bob Graham. I was in the first grade and had the chance to take a break from catholic school and school uniforms and move to this new "big" city.  I remember missing my friends dearly but it all went by pretty fast. Little did I know that on August 14, 1986 when I was 11 years old, Tallahassee would become a permanent move for our family as my dad started a new law firm. Little did I also know that, although we would miss our friends and life in the only town my brothers and I had ever known, it would be the best move our family could have possibly made - one of those decisions that most likely changed the trajectory of my life. 

Do you ever find that your head just gets in the way? Whether I am trying to motivate myself or rise up to a challenge or just make a simple decision, I just over think things. I also feel very deeply about people and ideas. While I believe these are strengths, it sure does make life difficult sometimes. I am also a world class worrier, but that is probably a topic all on its own. I do have a problem of letting my mind get in the way of my actions, whether I am thinking, feeling, or worrying, and most likely all of the above. This could apply to a lot areas of my life, as many of my loved ones would probably tell you. But lately I have found it is particularly relevant to my running.

I was sitting in my car one morning after I dropped Megan off at preschool. I do my short runs on the two days she is in school each week. It was a particularly yucky day as it was rainy and cold and the wind was picking up. Let's just say I really didn't want to get out of the car. Now that the colder weather has officially arrived, I find it harder (like most people) to get motivated. My mind goes to hot chocolate and a good book in a cafe - or, better yet, snuggling under my favorite green blanket in front of our lit Christmas tree. It takes a lot of effort to put on the layers, fleece headband, and sometimes, the running gloves. But, like I have said before, I never regret it once I start.

A good friend and veteran runner told me some wise words recently: "When running, your mind will always quit before your body." I guess they call this a runner's wall. I do walk some when I run, mainly on my long weekend runs and it is at regular intervals. I am currently running seven minutes and walking one. I hope to continue to increase this interval to one mile of running and one minute of walking. I find it motivating and sustaining to know I have a short break coming up. But maybe this is a mind game. It has worked for me in my training, and as my strength and endurance increases, so does the length between my breaks.  There is nothing wrong with walking and this is a strategy that works for a lot of people, including me. I just want to walk when I planned it, not when my mind thinks I need it.

As excited as I am about this journey, sometimes I just don't want to lace up the shoes. I have days when my mind just wants to walk.  My blood pressure is fine and I am not out of breath, but I just get tired. This is a struggle for me. My mind thinks it needs more rest and my body sometimes listens. I think training for a race, regardless of the distance, is not just training your body to run farther and faster. It is about training your mind and body to work together and be more in sync. I know what I am capable of and my mind just needs to work with my body better to make it happen. Is it a confidence issue? Probably. Is it fatigue? Sometimes. Either way, I will continue to use my training time over the next 11 months to make my mind and body work more as a team.

On one hand, my mind does take over on occasion and convinces my body to just slow down. On the other hand, my mind is what jump started me on this journey in the first place. I would not have committed to this blog, to this training time, and most certainly to a marathon, without it starting as a goal in my head. I would not have gotten out of the car that morning without my strength and motivation to keep this commitment to myself. When I think about my past and struggles I have faced, I would not be standing here if I did not know both in my mind and heart that I could keep going. It has actually taken me a long time to trust my body again - to feel like I would be ok physically - despite what might happen in the future. It is very difficult for me to say that out loud in fear of jinxing my good fortune once again.

In looking back over my life experiences, both positive and negative, I have come to a greater understanding of the mind-body connection. They don't function well if they are not working together. This is a constant challenge and does need training, whether you are talking about a marathon, a life challenge, or maybe even getting out of bed in the morning. My mom always told me that I am too hard on myself. Although I will always be working on this as a heavy thinker and worrier, I have found that having confidence in yourself and finding humor in any situation are your best weapons. If I can pair these assets with making my body as strong as it can be, I know I can get through most anything - even a marathon.

I guess I better stop here and go let both my mind and body go. It will be time to lace up again soon!