The year I turned 12 years old was a big transition time for me and my family. I saw my oldest brother go off to college, which was hard for me. My family moved from Titusville, the only town I had ever known, to Tallahassee, a huge city in my eyes. I was so young for my grade, so my parents decided to use the transition time and new school to have me repeat 6th grade. It was a gift and gave me an extra year to mature emotionally. However, with all of these changes, I was so scared to leave behind my friends and everything familiar.
I live with a lot of fears, some valid and some irrational. Some could be labeled worries I guess as I have developed worrying into an art. When I was thinking about what I had shared through this blog so far, I knew there were significant parts of the story that still needed to be discussed. I have shared what happened and some of the feelings behind it. I want to be motivational and show how well I am doing now. However, I am not doing my story justice if I don't explore some of the darker moments and more difficult feelings.
We all are met with moments in our lives when we are faced with our worst fears. I have unfortunately had a few friends experience this over the past week. Although I have done my best to stay positive over the years, I have had moments when my fears just took over. I remember when I was sitting in the patient room at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester with my parents and Bob. After a series of tests and evaluations, they confirmed with me that I had Crohn's Disease. The only experience I had ever had with this diagnosis was through my dad, which was many years of being extremely sick and a surgery that almost took his life when I was four years old. I sat there feeling so very sick, and with very little education and information, I was terrified.
Another moment was standing in the hallway of a hotel in Tampa trying to muster the energy to go to my grandmother's funeral. I was in the worst pain of my life, holding onto the wall while I walked to the elevator. I had just had my first surgery two weeks before when they removed most of my large intestine. I insisted on coming down to her funeral. I thought the pain would eventually go away. We were all so naive back then. Little did I know that I had a perforation at my incision site that I lived with for 5 days. When we flew back to Michigan, my mom and Bob took me straight back to the hospital. If there was ever a moment when my life was in danger, this would have been it. I was terrified. They performed emergency surgery on me in the middle of the night.
I will never forget when Bob and I were sitting on a bench outside the University of Chicago. My surgeon in Michigan had tried everything he knew to do and I was just not getting better. He referred me to a doctor in Chicago to get one more opinion. I had reached the end of my road with options and the one thing I was trying to avoid was coming back as my only option - a permanent illeostomy (www.ostomy.org/ostomy_info/factsheets/facts_ileostomy_en.shtml). My dad has had one since his surgery that saved his life. I had already had two temporary ones throughout the course of my surgeries in the years prior, but I was trying everything to avoid this life-altering change. Looking back, I wish I had the surgery for a permanent illeostomy from the very beginning. It gave me my life back and enabled me to return to the healthy person I am today. Bob and I were so scared sitting on that bench in Chicago, on the phone with both our parents, knowing what we had to do. I have been fearful of making this part of me public, but I am not ashamed. It is my ticket to having my life back. I want severe Crohn's patients and others faced with this decision to know that a better life is possible.
Outside of July 28, 2009, the day we lost my beloved mother to ALS, the most fearful moment of my life was when my mom called me from John Hopkins University Hospital and she shared her diagnosis. I was in Detroit and had just left work at the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. I pulled my car over and sat there in shock. Her life, my life, my family's world was shattered. We were not expecting this and we all just stopped in our tracks. I immediately got on a plane to Washington D.C. to be with my parents and my aunt and uncle that lived there.
So, these are a few of my more difficult moments, along with many in between. We all have them and live with them. There are many fears yet to be realized, but I know the experiences I have had along the way and the strength that I have gained will guide me through it. One thing I have learned is you cannot live in fear. Over the years, especially waiting and trying to be parents, we put things off because we were scared things would not work out. This fear of moving forward only leads to regret. You have to sit in your fears sometimes and work to understand them. I remember how scared I was the day the doctor called me back to tell me that I had a malignant tumor in my left kidney. I was at the park with Megan and standing in the middle of this big field with my friends watching Megan on the side. I did not know at the time it was operable. The same month I had it removed I lost two friends, in their 30s like me, to breast and colon cancer. Now, those are deep fears.
When it comes down to it, my greatest fears now reside around the health and well being of my family. Beyond that, I feel like we can work it out some how. I am blessed in immeasurable ways. But fears and living with them is a part of life. I am lucky to be surrounded with the most special family on both sides and the greatest friends. I continue to work through the emotions of what I have been through. This blog is one way I am trying to let some of those feelings go and use my experiences to help others. Life is so hard, which is why we have to all be in it together.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
Thought 11: Feeling speechless . . .
One of the benefits of living down the road from the Kennedy Space Center as a child were all the shuttle launches I had the opportunity to see growing up. My parents moved to Titusville, FL in 1966 and saw many of the Apollo missions blast into space. All you had to do was walk out of your home, your school, or stand on the riverbank and see the rocket rise off the launch pad. The windows of my house would shake. I probably became spoiled from the experience. In January 1986, when I was 11 years old, I walked outside of my school at Apollo Elementary with the rest of my classmates to see the Challenger launch. I remember it so clearly. I actually thought the smoke going in opposite directions was a trick at first. I was not sure what to think. I was scared and speechless, along with the rest of the world.
We have been watching a lot of Mary Poppins at our house these days. Megan loves it. She takes her figures and dolls and sails them through the air singing "Let's Go Fly a Kite" or skips down the sidewalk singing "Step in time, Step in time." It warms my heart as this movie was one of my very favorites as a child. It is funny how you watch a movie as an adult and understand the references better or find it touches you in a new way. So, I thought it would be best to start off this blog with the word that you say when you don't know what to say . . . supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
I am feeling rather speechless this week. I am actually writing this blog from my dad's computer in Florida as Megan and I decided to escape the ice storm in Atlanta and come visit him a few days early. This is the first time I have sat down to write and not had a topic ahead of time. I usually write each blog in one sitting, but I also have been thinking about what I want to say all week. I am not one to be at a loss for words very often, but I am feeling somewhat quiet right now.
I had actually planned on writing about some difficult emotions this week - ones that we all face through our unique life experiences - like fear, grief, and anxiety. I will write about my experiences with these and what I have learned from them in the coming weeks, but I couldn't put that out there on Valentine's Day. It just didn't give off the right mood.
Sometimes the right words are not available. I find this especially true when trying to comfort someone. I love being able to help a friend or loved one and possibly leave them with words that might make them feel better. I usually feel like I say too much or the wrong thing. Many times, the best words are no words at all. It is about just being there, holding a hand, giving a hug, or listening on the other end of the line. I need to practice the great art of listening more. I am lucky to have several special people in my life that are wonderful listeners. My mom was one of them which has left a big hole in my life. When my mom passed away, I remember feeling like there were no words that anyone could say that provided comfort. Life is just like this sometimes. The best feeling is knowing your friends and loved ones are in your corner no matter what happens. If I leave this earth tomorrow, I hope my friends and loved ones will remember me as someone who was always in their corner.
I also find myself speechless when it comes to being a mother and navigating the ever changing road of raising a child. I feel like whatever falls out of my mouth, at whatever level of volume comes with it, is the wrong thing. We work so hard to be consistent and follow through with the consequences we give her, but it is just so hard. I lay in my bed at night questioning the things I said to her and the words I used, thinking, "next time I will say this . . ." I am lucky to be married to the most patient man in the world, so he helps me dial back when I get my self out of whack. We work well as a team and are doing our very best to be there for Megan. I still find myself standing in front of her sometimes, after she has done something she should not have done, and think to myself, "Yeah, I have no words here."
I shared a few blog posts ago that my word for 2014 is patience. Like any new year's resolution, February is here and I have to remind myself of the goals I made so I don't see them slip away. Patience as a mother is a big focus for me right now as this is where I find it to be the most challenging. Patience with myself in my running is also hard, and forgiving myself when I don't have a week when it all goes right. I have to remind myself to "run my own race" and not compare myself to other runners, other mothers. So, for a week when I am feeling speechless, I will hold onto the words "patience" and "listening" and wait for the words to come.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and much love to your friends and loved ones!
I am feeling rather speechless this week. I am actually writing this blog from my dad's computer in Florida as Megan and I decided to escape the ice storm in Atlanta and come visit him a few days early. This is the first time I have sat down to write and not had a topic ahead of time. I usually write each blog in one sitting, but I also have been thinking about what I want to say all week. I am not one to be at a loss for words very often, but I am feeling somewhat quiet right now.
I had actually planned on writing about some difficult emotions this week - ones that we all face through our unique life experiences - like fear, grief, and anxiety. I will write about my experiences with these and what I have learned from them in the coming weeks, but I couldn't put that out there on Valentine's Day. It just didn't give off the right mood.
Sometimes the right words are not available. I find this especially true when trying to comfort someone. I love being able to help a friend or loved one and possibly leave them with words that might make them feel better. I usually feel like I say too much or the wrong thing. Many times, the best words are no words at all. It is about just being there, holding a hand, giving a hug, or listening on the other end of the line. I need to practice the great art of listening more. I am lucky to have several special people in my life that are wonderful listeners. My mom was one of them which has left a big hole in my life. When my mom passed away, I remember feeling like there were no words that anyone could say that provided comfort. Life is just like this sometimes. The best feeling is knowing your friends and loved ones are in your corner no matter what happens. If I leave this earth tomorrow, I hope my friends and loved ones will remember me as someone who was always in their corner.
I also find myself speechless when it comes to being a mother and navigating the ever changing road of raising a child. I feel like whatever falls out of my mouth, at whatever level of volume comes with it, is the wrong thing. We work so hard to be consistent and follow through with the consequences we give her, but it is just so hard. I lay in my bed at night questioning the things I said to her and the words I used, thinking, "next time I will say this . . ." I am lucky to be married to the most patient man in the world, so he helps me dial back when I get my self out of whack. We work well as a team and are doing our very best to be there for Megan. I still find myself standing in front of her sometimes, after she has done something she should not have done, and think to myself, "Yeah, I have no words here."
I shared a few blog posts ago that my word for 2014 is patience. Like any new year's resolution, February is here and I have to remind myself of the goals I made so I don't see them slip away. Patience as a mother is a big focus for me right now as this is where I find it to be the most challenging. Patience with myself in my running is also hard, and forgiving myself when I don't have a week when it all goes right. I have to remind myself to "run my own race" and not compare myself to other runners, other mothers. So, for a week when I am feeling speechless, I will hold onto the words "patience" and "listening" and wait for the words to come.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and much love to your friends and loved ones!
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Thought 10: A new feeling . . .
Hoping to make a difference has always been a part of my core. My parents taught us the importance of giving back as one of their central values. As a young girl, I called the 1-800 number on my own to adopt a child in Africa and contribute to the United Negro College Fund. I am not sure how I did this - did I just take my parent's credit card? Hilarious. My dad still gives to the UNCF to this day. My attempts to enter politics came early too and were short lived. When I was 10 years old, I ran for President of my elementary school against my best friend. We both lost, but I do have our speeches on VHS somewhere. I have never been one to give up as I tried again in middle school to run for Treasurer and in high school to run for Secretary, with no luck. It may not have helped me in high school that my mom misspelled "Sophomore" on all of my campaign tags. To this day, I have never forgotten that second "o." So, not much of a future as an elected official, but I will always be a strong advocate.
One race down, two more to go! I finished the Atlanta Hot Chocolate 15K (9.3 miles) on Sunday morning, January 26. The start and finish was just outside Turner Field. I was standing in my corral in the 20 degree-ish temps and two thoughts came to my mind. First, the sun was up as the 15K did not kickoff until 8:25am. Every race I have ever participated in started in darkness. It was a weird feeling for some reason. Second, I had never started a race by myself. I did not necessarily mind it, but again, it was a weird and noticeable feeling. Although, I certainly did not feel alone with all the inspirational quotes coming my way from my Betsy and Bob. I was shaking from the low temps before they released our corral of runners, but I warmed up pretty quickly and enjoyed the beautiful (and hilly) run through neighborhoods like Grant Park and Virginia Highlands, with the final miles by Georgia State University. I was definitely ready for the chocolate at mile 6!
Before I made the final turn around Turner Field, I ran across the bridge heading toward the Olympic rings. It was a powerful moment for me as I was immediately taken back to the 1996 games when my mom and I walked across this bridge to attend some track and field events. She was wearing brand new tennis shoes that day and had to take them off and walk barefoot because they were hurting her feet so bad. My mom is always with me, but I could feel her smiling down on me at that moment for sure.
It felt great to cross the finish line strong with a time of 1 hour and 34 minutes, a personal record for me. The hot chocolate and chocolate fondue that was handed to me soon after made the moment even sweeter! Thanks to the training help from my rockstar sister-in-law Tiffiny, I was able to pace myself and run the entire 9.3 miles, just making sure I stopped at the water stops every 2 miles to get my fluids. I never thought I would be able to run that far without multiple walk breaks, which is how I have always trained. I have been reminded numerous times in my life under a variety of circumstances that I am capable of much more than I know, as are all of you!
This race gave me a huge confidence boost as I head toward the Atlanta Half Marathon in March and the Chicago Marathon in October. A new feeling came over me as I worked through the very hilly course - I prepared well for this! I have not felt prepared for most things in life it feels like, which I am sure is a shared feeling, so this was both a new and good feeling! Training in the past has been interrupted for one reason or another and my performance and results reflected that lack of proper training. Although I know most of the time those reasons were out of my control, it still felt good to have the room to prepare now and see the results of my hard work at the finish line. I was not familiar with the course ahead of time, so I was nervous about all of the hills I knew were coming - what was going to be around the next corner? As I kept running, my confidence grew and I felt better and better about finishing strong. While I made my way up a long hill by Georgia State, I turned to the girl next to me and gave her a big high five. I thought a lot while I was running, "I am going to do this!" I was a winner just for showing up, but it was a proud moment to see my mind and body come together for a strong performance.
So, now it is time to ramp things up! I now have my sights set on the Atlanta Publix Half Marathon on Sunday, March 23. This will be an emotional race for me as it will be my third attempt. The first time was special as one of my very best friends and I walked the course together, me facing my third round of IVF and her going through a very difficult life transition. We crossed the finish line holding our hands high, but I knew I had more in me to give. I tried it again in 2013, but I was coming off of an injury from the Disney Half Marathon in January and I had to sit it out. So, I am hoping this is my time and I can break my best half marathon time of 2 hours and 21 minutes. I like that I am writing my 10th blog post the same week I ran my first double digit run of 10 miles (for this journey anyway). I also joined Twitter for the first time this week as I am trying to spread the word about my blog and story and learn more from a greater running community (@HubRunLive). It will mean so much more to me if I know this blog has reached someone that can connect with my story and feel comfort that they are not alone.
As I sign off, it always bears repeating that I have the best support at my home base. I did not want Bob to bring Megan out to the Hot Chocolate race as it was too cold and the parking was atrocious. So, I came home to this. Bob took Megan on a date to Waffle House that morning and they stopped to pick up some flowers. Megan told him that she wanted to get me some daffodils. She also picked out the pink plant too, which she will be glad to tell you is her very favorite color. Thank God for my home base!
One race down, two more to go! I finished the Atlanta Hot Chocolate 15K (9.3 miles) on Sunday morning, January 26. The start and finish was just outside Turner Field. I was standing in my corral in the 20 degree-ish temps and two thoughts came to my mind. First, the sun was up as the 15K did not kickoff until 8:25am. Every race I have ever participated in started in darkness. It was a weird feeling for some reason. Second, I had never started a race by myself. I did not necessarily mind it, but again, it was a weird and noticeable feeling. Although, I certainly did not feel alone with all the inspirational quotes coming my way from my Betsy and Bob. I was shaking from the low temps before they released our corral of runners, but I warmed up pretty quickly and enjoyed the beautiful (and hilly) run through neighborhoods like Grant Park and Virginia Highlands, with the final miles by Georgia State University. I was definitely ready for the chocolate at mile 6!
Before I made the final turn around Turner Field, I ran across the bridge heading toward the Olympic rings. It was a powerful moment for me as I was immediately taken back to the 1996 games when my mom and I walked across this bridge to attend some track and field events. She was wearing brand new tennis shoes that day and had to take them off and walk barefoot because they were hurting her feet so bad. My mom is always with me, but I could feel her smiling down on me at that moment for sure.
It felt great to cross the finish line strong with a time of 1 hour and 34 minutes, a personal record for me. The hot chocolate and chocolate fondue that was handed to me soon after made the moment even sweeter! Thanks to the training help from my rockstar sister-in-law Tiffiny, I was able to pace myself and run the entire 9.3 miles, just making sure I stopped at the water stops every 2 miles to get my fluids. I never thought I would be able to run that far without multiple walk breaks, which is how I have always trained. I have been reminded numerous times in my life under a variety of circumstances that I am capable of much more than I know, as are all of you!
This race gave me a huge confidence boost as I head toward the Atlanta Half Marathon in March and the Chicago Marathon in October. A new feeling came over me as I worked through the very hilly course - I prepared well for this! I have not felt prepared for most things in life it feels like, which I am sure is a shared feeling, so this was both a new and good feeling! Training in the past has been interrupted for one reason or another and my performance and results reflected that lack of proper training. Although I know most of the time those reasons were out of my control, it still felt good to have the room to prepare now and see the results of my hard work at the finish line. I was not familiar with the course ahead of time, so I was nervous about all of the hills I knew were coming - what was going to be around the next corner? As I kept running, my confidence grew and I felt better and better about finishing strong. While I made my way up a long hill by Georgia State, I turned to the girl next to me and gave her a big high five. I thought a lot while I was running, "I am going to do this!" I was a winner just for showing up, but it was a proud moment to see my mind and body come together for a strong performance.
So, now it is time to ramp things up! I now have my sights set on the Atlanta Publix Half Marathon on Sunday, March 23. This will be an emotional race for me as it will be my third attempt. The first time was special as one of my very best friends and I walked the course together, me facing my third round of IVF and her going through a very difficult life transition. We crossed the finish line holding our hands high, but I knew I had more in me to give. I tried it again in 2013, but I was coming off of an injury from the Disney Half Marathon in January and I had to sit it out. So, I am hoping this is my time and I can break my best half marathon time of 2 hours and 21 minutes. I like that I am writing my 10th blog post the same week I ran my first double digit run of 10 miles (for this journey anyway). I also joined Twitter for the first time this week as I am trying to spread the word about my blog and story and learn more from a greater running community (@HubRunLive). It will mean so much more to me if I know this blog has reached someone that can connect with my story and feel comfort that they are not alone.
As I sign off, it always bears repeating that I have the best support at my home base. I did not want Bob to bring Megan out to the Hot Chocolate race as it was too cold and the parking was atrocious. So, I came home to this. Bob took Megan on a date to Waffle House that morning and they stopped to pick up some flowers. Megan told him that she wanted to get me some daffodils. She also picked out the pink plant too, which she will be glad to tell you is her very favorite color. Thank God for my home base!
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