Thought 11: Feeling speechless . . .

One of the benefits of living down the road from the Kennedy Space Center as a child were all the shuttle launches I had the opportunity to see growing up. My parents moved to Titusville, FL in 1966 and saw many of the Apollo missions blast into space. All you had to do was walk out of your home, your school, or stand on the riverbank and see the rocket rise off the launch pad. The windows of my house would shake. I probably became spoiled from the experience. In January 1986, when I was 11 years old, I walked outside of my school at Apollo Elementary with the rest of my classmates to see the Challenger launch. I remember it so clearly. I actually thought the smoke going in opposite directions was a trick at first. I was not sure what to think. I was scared and speechless, along with the rest of the world. 

We have been watching a lot of Mary Poppins at our house these days. Megan loves it. She takes her figures and dolls and sails them through the air singing "Let's Go Fly a Kite" or skips down the sidewalk singing "Step in time, Step in time." It warms my heart as this movie was one of my very favorites as a child. It is funny how you watch a movie as an adult and understand the references better or find it touches you in a new way. So, I thought it would be best to start off this blog with the word that you say when you don't know what to say . . . supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

I am feeling rather speechless this week. I am actually writing this blog from my dad's computer in Florida as Megan and I decided to escape the ice storm in Atlanta and come visit him a few days early. This is the first time I have sat down to write and not had a topic ahead of time. I usually write each blog in one sitting, but I also have been thinking about what I want to say all week. I am not one to be at a loss for words very often, but I am feeling somewhat quiet right now. 

I had actually planned on writing about some difficult emotions this week - ones that we all face through our unique life experiences - like fear, grief, and anxiety. I will write about my experiences with these and what I have learned from them in the coming weeks, but I couldn't put that out there on Valentine's Day. It just didn't give off the right mood. 

Sometimes the right words are not available.  I find this especially true when trying to comfort someone. I love being able to help a friend or loved one and possibly leave them with words that might make them feel better. I usually feel like I say too much or the wrong thing. Many times, the best words are no words at all. It is about just being there, holding a hand, giving a hug, or listening on the other end of the line. I need to practice the great art of listening more. I am lucky to have several special people in my life that are wonderful listeners. My mom was one of them which has left a big hole in my life. When my mom passed away, I remember feeling like there were no words that anyone could say that provided comfort. Life is just like this sometimes. The best feeling is knowing your friends and loved ones are in your corner no matter what happens. If I leave this earth tomorrow, I hope my friends and loved ones will remember me as someone who was always in their corner. 

I also find myself speechless when it comes to being a mother and navigating the ever changing road of raising a child. I feel like whatever falls out of my mouth, at whatever level of volume comes with it, is the wrong thing. We work so hard to be consistent and follow through with the consequences we give her, but it is just so hard. I lay in my bed at night questioning the things I said to her and the words I used, thinking, "next time I will say this . . ." I am lucky to be married to the most patient man in the world, so he helps me dial back when I get my self out of whack. We work well as a team and are doing our very best to be there for Megan. I still find myself standing in front of her sometimes, after she has done something she should not have done, and think to myself, "Yeah, I have no words here." 

I shared a few blog posts ago that my word for 2014 is patience. Like any new year's resolution, February is here and I have to remind myself of the goals I made so I don't see them slip away. Patience as a mother is a big focus for me right now as this is where I find it to be the most challenging. Patience with myself in my running is also hard, and forgiving myself when I don't have a week when it all goes right. I have to remind myself to "run my own race" and not compare myself to other runners, other mothers. So, for a week when I am feeling speechless, I will hold onto the words "patience" and "listening" and wait for the words to come. 

Happy Valentine's Day to you and much love to your friends and loved ones!