Thought 30: Depression, me too . . .

Bob threw me a surprise party for my 30th birthday at one of our favorite Ann Arbor restaurants - Pizza House. Wow, I miss living there! All of our friends were there. I started my 30s going to work for the Detroit Symphony Orchestra as a grant writer, but was struggling a lot with my Crohn's Disease and the complications that came with multiple surgeries. I remember not being very excited about turning 30 as I was not feeling very good about myself. I wanted to be a mother and felt like everyone around me was in the race and I was stuck at the start line. Living with a chronic illness takes over everything and you struggle seeing life outside of that world. The year 2004 was also when my mom was diagnosed with ALS. I will never forget that moment. She and my dad had gone up to Johns Hopkins Hospital to get another opinion about why she was having trouble with her foot and weak leg. I had just left work and was driving through the streets of Detroit to the interstate home. My mom called me and told me the doctors thought she had ALS. I pulled over and knew our lives would never be the same.

I have struggled with getting my thoughts down this week about this topic. I was really blown away by the passing of Robin Williams and learning about all the challenges he was facing in his personal life. We idolize celebrities and forget sometimes that they are just people and have struggles like every one else. My MSW training is in mental health, particularly with children and youth, but I have not worked directly with people in over a decade. However, I do understand mental illness and the great need for it to be given the same treatment as any other physical condition. In my work at The Carter Center, I was honored to share information with donors about Mrs. Carter's work and the Center's Mental Health Program. The need for mental health to have a louder voice and equal attention is not a new issue. Starting a national conversation has been attempted for decades and has been going on for that long among some professional circles. It is just difficult that we only hear the conversation when a tragedy like the death of a beloved star or an act of violence occurs. I just get so frustrated with the continued difficulty of our country to appreciate the importance of understanding the connection between our minds and bodies as one and embracing those individuals that are struggling with diseases of the brain, like depression. It should be ok to talk about it, just like it is ok to talk about Crohn's Disease, heart disease, cancer, and ALS. So I will.

I suffer from acute depression. I am saying it out loud without any fear that I will be judged for it. It is quiet right now, but I continue to take a low dose of Lexapro. It took me a long time to face this diagnosis when I was in my late 20s and early 30s, when I felt like I was drowning in medical problems. I was not comfortable talking about it, and I was in the mental health field. Stigma and feeling like you will be judged for something that is not in your control is an isolating feeling. I have faced some very dark days over the past 17 years for a variety of reasons, but the depression that developed inside me when challenged with a chronic medical condition really made those days more difficult. When I am sad, I cry, a lot. I have had many days when I did not want to get out of bed or would just put my head on my desk at work and feel so exhausted. I felt so alone at times, even though I have always been surrounded with people that love me. Its amazing how you can feel so alone even though you have people standing beside you, loving you.

I have met with multiple therapists over the years, with only one I truly connected with and felt helped me to a better place. I have gone on and off antidepressants over the last five years, feeling stronger some months more than others. I will continue to stay on my low dose as of now since I am feeling in a good place. Is it really making a big difference for me? I am not really sure, but I am doing well, so no need to mess with it right now. I hope to ease off of it after the marathon to see how I am doing. I am not sure the depression I have experienced will be a lifelong problem, but I think taking care of my mental health will always be a priority as I know it can creep up at any time, as life happens.

One thing I have learned through facing depression over the years is I am not alone. I have encountered people in my life that don't think antidepressants are necessary or a good idea and don't understand the connection with depression. Its not about being stronger or getting over the pain you are facing. I know more people than not that have faced depression at some point in their lives or struggle with it on an ongoing basis, some very severely. I have found great comfort in those friends and being able to lean on each other. Mental health advocates have worked tirelessly for decades to reduce the stigma around mental illness and increasing the quality, accessibility, and availability of care. I am all up for igniting the national conversation about the importance of mental health, but let's do it already! I wanted to share my experience with depression as a way to promote that conversation and be another voice to support a solution to what is clearly a national crisis.

Although Robin Williams suffered from depression and addiction, and it appears Parkinson's Disease, it is not the job of the public to determine what led him to take his own life. Nor is it even our business. I will celebrate him as a gifted artist and national treasure. My heart goes out to his family and friends, especially his wife and children. They are the ones that will have to come to peace with his passing and make the courageous steps forward to move on with their lives without him. Because it does take courage and bravery to stand up every day and take on life, even when everything in you tells you to stay in bed. I send my love and eternal thanks to my husband, parents, in laws, and the rest of my circle of family and friends that have stood by me and been there for me, even when I made it very hard to do so. I stand here a stronger wife, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, and friend. But I am never alone and I feel eternally grateful.