Thought 16: Next steps . . .

It is time for the sweet sixteen. Literally. How cool is that timing with March Madness! For those that have been following my blog, I am not sure you have noticed, but this beginning paragraph is always where I write about my age that corresponds with whatever number blog it is for the week. So, it is time to write about Susie at 16 years old. As I have said before, birthday parties were so much simpler when I was growing up. For my "sweet sixteen," my parents took me out to dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant with three of my best friends. I had already passed my driving test earlier that day, so they let me drive my friends across the street to the movie theater after dinner. (I wish I could remember what movie we saw.) I was thrilled! My first car was a maroon convertible Volkswagen Rabbit that was passed down to me from my mom. She was then able to get her first of what would be many Jeep Cherokees. I loved my car and thought I was so cool riding around town with the top of the car down. Turning 16 was a fun time for me as I stretched my legs and started learning to be more independent. 

Another milestone was checked off this week . . . I finished the Publix Georgia Half Marathon on Sunday, March 23! It was a great day for a race with temperatures in the 50s and an overcast sky. I was worried it was going to rain, but it held off minus a slight mist the last few miles. My sweet Megan and best buddy accompanied me to the expo two days before the race to pick up my packet and bib number. She was so excited that she was given a new soccer ball and jump rope from Publix as we walked in the door. It was a good idea to have her there to ensure that I had no time to get distracted by all the cool running gear that was being sold there. My favorite part was her running through the halls of the Georgia World Congress Center singing "Let's Go Fly a Kite" at the top of her lungs. Good memory! 

Race day was a lot of fun for me. You never sleep well the night before because you are anticipating that early alarm. I am one of those people that leaves a lot of extra time to get to the airport. I am always so nervous I will miss my flight. Race day is no different. I set my alarm for 4:45 a.m. and followed the advice of the race packet to try and park by 6:00 a.m. The race started at 7:00 a.m. I was in Corral K, so I had to stand around for a little bit before our group started running. It was a beautiful morning, and after surviving the porta-potty line, I was ready to go! I thought I would be more nervous, but I was really ready. I knew I could do this.

The only thing I was worried about was pacing myself and not giving too much of my energy away at the beginning. The course was very hilly, especially toward the latter half of the race. I knew as soon as I made the turn out of Piedmont Park, I would be facing some big hills. If you are from Atlanta, this race makes you proud to be from the metro area and appreciate all it has to offer. I was inspired running by the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial and through some of Atlanta's oldest neighborhoods. Although I was running with a time goal in mind, I did stop to take the picture below with downtown behind me. This picture actually does not do the view justice.

Since this was my second time participating in this race, I thought about where I was the last time I ran and how far I have come in five years. I remembered a lot of the course from that day in March 2009 and the special miles I shared with my dear friend who walked and ran it beside me. We both left a lot of emotion and heartache out on the course that day and it was nice to retrace those steps and feel so good about where I am today (as well as my friend). It is hard to describe how much stronger and happier I am physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually today than I was five years ago. It is really impossible to measure. Although my mom is not with me five years later, she lives in my heart and I feel her all the time, including that burst of wind that came my way around mile 8. Wow I needed it - thanks mom!

My goal for this race was to bring everything I had and give it my absolute best. Check. I was also hoping to beat my personal best half marathon time of 2 hours and 21 minutes (Disney Half Marathon 2013). Check. I finished the race in 2 hours and 19 minutes. I wanted to just enjoy the race and stop looking at my watch. But, after a certain point I ran the calculations in my head and realized that I was on my way to a personal record. It motivated me to keep running, which I did for the whole race, minus stops through water stations and a few stops to stretch my left knee. My struggles came around mile 5 and mile 10, but you push through and get distracted by a song or something you pass and it keeps you going. I brought everything I had to this race and I am now able to say I did my very best. I also finished the race in the top half of my age group and ran the last third of the race faster than the rest of it!

There is nothing better in a race than to be cheered across the finish line by a group of encouraging spectators. I was really getting tired the last mile, but I knew my family was waiting for me in their rain gear at the final turn of the race and I could not wait to see them. I was so emotional to see Bob and Megan and my dad as I turned toward the finish line. I was also glad they didn't have to wait too long for me. It was so fun to see that Bob let Megan wear her butterfly wings over her raincoat. A super sweet moment that I will remember forever. I was especially emotional to see my dad there because I have not had the chance to share much of my running journey with him in person. He was amazed by the experience and became emotional too. It meant the world to me to have them all there and know they were waiting for me at the finish line. 

The way I felt after this race was similar to how I felt after the Hot Chocolate 15K in January - prepared. I have always been over the top sore for other races I have finished because I either did not train well or had an injury that I ignored. I was sore for sure, but nothing unreasonable and my knee held it together well. I was ready for this race and put up a great time for me. I am really proud of myself and proud to show my daughter how important it is to work toward a goal and accomplish it. She has talked about my running and the "balloons" all week. She thinks I won the race, which works for me! I think the winner only beat me by like an hour. Wow!

So, it is now time to look ahead and take my next steps. Finishing this half marathon was another chapter in my journey to October and I am now ready and rested to take on Act III - the Chicago Marathon. Now that I am registered and have taken a few days off this week to rest, it is time to set my game plan and get back to running. I did get out once this week for a short run, which felt tight but good. As I started running, I enjoyed noticing that these were my first training steps toward my marathon training. It is a nice feeling to know that I can put my full attention on the marathon now, outside of being a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and whatever else life brings me! I am so ready for this challenge and thank you for going along on the ride with me.

We have decided to take Megan down to see Mickey for a few days during her spring break. I wished someone had asked me after the race, "So, now that you have finished the Publix Georgia Half Marathon, what are you going to do?" I would shout loud and proud, "I am going to Disney World!!!"

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation - http://ow.ly/ukTos. 

Thought 15: Ready or not . . .

High school was a pretty fun time for me. I had a small group of good friends through my different extracurricular activities, including swim team and newspaper staff. My dad was my first influence in writing, but my days on the newspaper staff with my favorite teacher, Mrs. Judy Steverson, was where I learned to write. She would sit down with me at the wooden table and go word by word and line by line with me through my article. I am forever grateful to her for teaching me how to put my thoughts into words. I also loved my high school chorus classes, and although I did not have the greatest singing voice, I loved the experience. One of my favorite parts was being student director of The Music Man during the summer after my sophomore year. I did get a little distracted sometimes as a 15-year-old girl, but I can't share everything, right?

This was the week. I am officially registered for the 2014 Bank of America Chicago Marathon. I will be running a marathon in less than 7 months. Yes, me, Susie Hubbard, will be a marathon runner. These words both terrify and thrill me. When I pressed the submit button, I was so relieved to make it official. I began to think about all the training and running I would be doing in the coming months. I am terrified, but in a good way I think. 

Since I decided to join the Les Turner ALS Foundation team, I was given a guaranteed entry. This is the first year that non-charity runners will have to go through a lottery system to participate in the race. In just two weeks, I have raised over $1,000, with some money coming in by check. Thank you to all my friends that have given me that initial support. My goal is $4,000 by my 40th birthday, but I would love to surpass it!

It is amazing how my running has already taken on a new meaning in just the short time since making this commitment. I was hit hard with some news in the days after I signed on with the foundation when I heard from my old doctor that performed every surgery I had when I lived in Michigan from 2001 to 2007. I shared my blog with him since he has been such a big influence on my journey, essentially saving my life. He wrote me to tell me he has ALS and was diagnosed two years ago. I felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. Bob and I are so upset by this news. Now my running for the ALS foundation means even more, if that was even possible. 

I had a heart to heart with my running shoes this week. I wanted to make sure they could hang in there with me. I told them that they had to last me until at least July. I feel like we have an understanding now and they are ready to ramp up our training and hit the pavement. I am still figuring out which training plan I will use and I need to find a group to run with on the weekends, but I hope to have all of that worked out soon. I have not used a training plan up to now, but I will follow one religiously for the marathon. I want to be as prepared as I can be for my 40th birthday - race day!

But, before I get too excited and anxious about my marathon training, I have one more race to finish - the Publix Georgia Marathon. On this Sunday, March 23, I will be taking on the hills of Atlanta again to complete 13.1 miles through some of the city's best landmarks and neighborhoods, including the Martin Luther King site, The Carter Center (my old employer), Virginia Highlands, Midtown, and Georgia Tech. The race starts and ends at Centennial Park. As I have written before, I finished this race one other time, mostly walking the whole way due to lack of training. I had to cancel my participation last year due to an injury. Here's hoping my left knee hangs in there because I want to finish this race strong on Sunday. I'm not sure it will be my personal best, but it will be my very best on March 23. I had a great last training run and sprinted up the hill that I once had trouble even getting up 6 months ago. Finishing this race will give me the satisfaction that I came back and raced again and gave my very best. I want to have fun and check this milestone off on my journey to Chicago!

When I started this blog last October, I had three races and a lot of miles in front of me. I was overwhelmed by the thought of a year of training and seeing it slowly increase over that time. I now stand 5 months later, with almost two races behind me. I can visualize myself finishing each race and each mile it will take to get me there. The 26.2 is daunting, but I can stand here today and feel good knowing that I can do it. The longest run I have completed this go around is 12.2 miles, but soon that will be 13.1. The time is here to really show what I have inside and out, so, ready or not, here I go!

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation - http://ow.ly/ukTos. 

Thought 14: More than just running . . .

Surviving middle school was my goal as a 14-year-old girl. I am not sure that this was any different in 1988 than it is in 2014. The feelings I was struggling with and doing what I could to fit in was a challenge. At the end of my 8th grade year, I caught mononucleosis. I can promise you that I was not kissing anyone. I remember I had to stay home for 5 weeks and my mom had my school work sent home to me. I almost missed the 8th grade dance and certainly did not have a date. My mom went out and bought me a beautiful floral print dress and I went to the dance by myself. I remember how nervous I was walking into the dance, but I was glad I decided to go. This was also the year that we moved into our home on Lake Hall. It took a couple of years to build the home, so my parents rented a town home and we lived in closer quarters for awhile. My oldest brother slept on my trundle bed when he came home from college on break (which I loved). When I think of my home growing up I will always think of "the lake house."

It was never just about running. I think that is true for almost any runner.

This blog has always been about my greater story behind my running. I had planned on writing this week about registering for the Chicago Marathon and making the commitment official to run on October 12, 2014, my 40th birthday. I received notice on Tuesday that they were delaying registration for two weeks to work out some bugs in their website. It is the first year the Chicago Marathon will have a lottery system, so the registration process is more complicated I guess.

One of the only ways you can secure a guaranteed spot in the race is by raising money for one of the charities associated with the event. I always planned on participating as a charity runner and making this training and race day experience about something much bigger than 26.2 miles. After talking to a couple of different charities over the past two weeks (and not hearing back from a couple), and doing my due diligence research on my favorites, I made a decision. I have officially joined the Run for ALS Team for the 2014 Chicago Marathon through the Les Turner ALS Foundation (http://www.lesturnerals.org). You can learn more about Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's disease or motor neuron disease (MND), on their website if you are not familiar.

I thought about waiting to share this decision until I officially registered for the race, but why wait two weeks when I can tell you about this wonderful organization now! The Les Turner ALS Foundation has been around since 1977 and serves 90% of the individuals suffering from ALS in the Chicago area. They are the largest privately funded ALS organization in the country. Their research is very impressive and impacts all ALS patients and families around the nation and the world. They are connected with the both national and international conversation on research and patient care. Since I am asking all of you to support their work, I want to make sure I do my homework. With a fundraising background myself, I knew it was important to check out any charity I was considering on Charity Navigator (www.charitynavigator.org). Les Turner ALS Foundation was by far the most impressive out of the ones I was considering. They are rated 4 out of 4 stars and over 80% of their fundraising goes to program support and research. This is very impressive and hard to find in the nonprofit world. I would never ask you to support something that I would not support myself. My goal is to raise $4,000 by my 40th birthday and Bob and I have committed to making sure we honor this pledge. I really appreciate any support you can give me and please feel free to send me any questions. (@HubRunLive)

Anyone that has been keeping up with my blog understands why I would want to support an organization working to find a cure for ALS. If this is the first time you are connecting with my story, my family lost my mom to this devastating disease on July 28, 2009. I will run this race for her, along with my whole family, that she lived every day for, and carry her courage, perseverance, compassion, and love along with me from now until the finish line and beyond. She was the heartbeat of our family and our home base.

Check out my fundraising page to learn more about this story . . . http://ow.ly/ukTos

When I made the commitment with the foundation, they sent me a wonderful "welcome to the team" email and the following quote. I am so excited about this decision and connecting with an organization that is making such a difference with a cause that I will always carry close to my heart.

“As a former runner, I know there are many personal reasons for pushing the limits of your body – the exhilaration, sense of freedom and joy of accomplishment. Now you are again raising your sights by serving the needs of others. Every stride you take gives strength to those who cannot walk, every breath gives hope to those who struggle to breathe. Thank you for your dedication, commitment and spirit of giving” ~ Steve Heronemus, current Les Turner ALS patient and Run for ALS Champion

Thought 13: Don't run angry . . .

I turned 13 years old the fall of 7th grade. My year playing the clarinet in the middle school band did not ignite any long term love of the instrument. I spent a lot of my middle school days participating in a local children's theatre group. I loved having roles both on and off stage. The experience brought me so much confidence. I was never a good singer, but I did stand up by myself and sing for an audition, including "Kids" from Bye Bye Birdie and "Castle on a Cloud" from Les Miserables. It taught me to put myself out there and step out of my comfort zone. My dad took me on our first daddy-daughter trip to New York City that same year. Theatre and the arts have always been a place of comfort and peace for me - a happy place for sure. 

I received a lot of great feedback from my last blog on the subject of fear. I think we all want to talk about the things that no one talks about. My minister gave a wonderful sermon this past Sunday on hope in the face of fear. I think that is so critical. It is ok to be afraid, but it doesn't mean you give up or stop trying. Hope to me is like water. I need it to live.

I shared some of my most difficult moments in my last blog and I must admit that there are many more that could be shared. It has taken me a long time to be able to write about these times and feelings, much less talk about them. I have lived most of my life as a pretty open book, but not everyone is that way. Privacy is so important and something to be highly respected. For me, I feel better when I talk about my experiences and I gain a sense of empowerment that I can use my journey, no matter how hard it was, to help others and make them feel less alone.

However, have I always been this positive, this hopeful? No. Just ask my husband or my dad. If I am going to talk about my fears, I need to talk about an even darker place - anger. Looking back, I think my hardest moments have not necessarily been the moments themselves, but more how I handled them. I have had to process through many, many years of anger and resentment. The moments where I showed my anger or took it out on the ones I love the most are the hardest for me. I have stomped, screamed, cried, shut down, cried, thrown up my hands, and cried more times than I can count. I unfortunately threw a lot of those feelings of anger toward Bob, my mom, and my dad. It aches my heart to think of how that must have felt on their end.

We always talked about it and I know in the end they understood. But, one thing I have learned, no matter how bad you feel physically and/or emotionally, it is never ok to take it out on others. I think Bob and I learned to be strong communicators through all of my health battles as we were forced to talk about it and deal with it. Otherwise, our marriage would never have lasted. He would call me out on it (and still does) and I didn't always like it. Thank goodness he did, as I needed to be held accountable.

Anger is so toxic to the system but unavoidable at certain times in your life. When I am angry, I become very impatient, withdrawn, short, and passive aggressive. I don't know how many times I walked out on a conversation with Bob and escaped to another room because I was just so mad and couldn't face the issue at hand. These years of built up anger made me feel depressed, bitter, resentful, lethargic, and moody. It just hurt so much.

I can't count how many times I have shouted "This is not fair" or "When will it be our turn to be happy?" I felt like I was standing at the start line and couldn't move while everyone just ran right by me. Outside of problems with asthma as a young child and seasonal allergies as a young girl (both I eventually grew out of), I had always been a very healthy person. I was 23 years old and two months into my young marriage and I was just so angry. Although, I didn't really know how serious this was going to become until a few years went by, but the anger grew and grew. It actually took me a lot of therapy to accept this hand I was dealt and make peace with those angry feelings. What happened to our 20s and carefree years? It felt like everyone around us was enjoying life and having fun and we were stuck at the starting line.

I was angry I was sick. I was angry I couldn't be the wife I though Bob deserved. I was angry I wasn't able to get pregnant. I was angry my reproductive system was sick and had to be removed. I was angry I was tired all the time. I was angry that I was depressed and had little motivation. All of this anger seemed irrelevant to the anger I felt about my mom being sick and then losing her. The feelings hit me like a wave and grew so big it consumed me. I can't really separate out the anger, fear, depression, and resentment, but dealing with those feelings has been a very long road.

I just want to be honest here. I am in such a better place in 2014 than I was even a year ago, but I was only able to do that by making sure all of the feelings (the good, bad, and ugly) were given due attention. I continue to struggle with my anger and sadness around my mom's passing and why she had to get sick in the first place. It is a process. All of my moments are part of my greater story and make me the person I am today. My anger and fears still creep up on me and I have to sit in those feelings. But I continue to get up and move forward. If you ignore them they will not go away - they will grow and fester and explode on you. As my mom always used to tell me, "be gentle with yourself." I am far from perfect, but I am working hard every day to understand myself better and where my past fits in my life now. I owe this to myself and my family. Give your mind and body some space and time and you just might find some peace too.

Speaking of a peaceful place, my running is going well. I had a rough couple of weeks with my knee and lat band injury acting up. I eased up a bit on the training and attacked it with a lot of ice and foam rolling and I feel a lot better. I ran 11 miles last weekend and feel back on track to run the Publix Atlanta Half Marathon on March 23!

A note of housekeeping, I was really hoping to post my blog each Friday morning. Well, now that my three-year-old has dropped her only nap, my time to write has become limited. So, I will still try to post on Friday morning, but if it comes a few days late, you will know why! There will also be weeks here and there when I won't post a blog due to travel or other reasons. 

Thought 12: What are you afraid of . . .

The year I turned 12 years old was a big transition time for me and my family. I saw my oldest brother go off to college, which was hard for me. My family moved from Titusville, the only town I had ever known, to Tallahassee, a huge city in my eyes. I was so young for my grade, so my parents decided to use the transition time and new school to have me repeat 6th grade. It was a gift and gave me an extra year to mature emotionally. However, with all of these changes, I was so scared to leave behind my friends and everything familiar. 

I live with a lot of fears, some valid and some irrational. Some could be labeled worries I guess as I have developed worrying into an art. When I was thinking about what I had shared through this blog so far, I knew there were significant parts of the story that still needed to be discussed. I have shared what happened and some of the feelings behind it. I want to be motivational and show how well I am doing now. However, I am not doing my story justice if I don't explore some of the darker moments and more difficult feelings.

We all are met with moments in our lives when we are faced with our worst fears. I have unfortunately had a few friends experience this over the past week. Although I have done my best to stay positive over the years, I have had moments when my fears just took over. I remember when I was sitting in the patient room at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester with my parents and Bob. After a series of tests and evaluations, they confirmed with me that I had Crohn's Disease. The only experience I had ever had with this diagnosis was through my dad, which was many years of being extremely sick and a surgery that almost took his life when I was four years old. I sat there feeling so very sick, and with very little education and information, I was terrified.

Another moment was standing in the hallway of a hotel in Tampa trying to muster the energy to go to my grandmother's funeral. I was in the worst pain of my life, holding onto the wall while I walked to the elevator. I had just had my first surgery two weeks before when they removed most of my large intestine. I insisted on coming down to her funeral. I thought the pain would eventually go away. We were all so naive back then. Little did I know that I had a perforation at my incision site that I lived with for 5 days. When we flew back to Michigan, my mom and Bob took me straight back to the hospital. If there was ever a moment when my life was in danger, this would have been it. I was terrified. They performed emergency surgery on me in the middle of the night.

I will never forget when Bob and I were sitting on a bench outside the University of Chicago. My surgeon in Michigan had tried everything he knew to do and I was just not getting better. He referred me to a doctor in Chicago to get one more opinion. I had reached the end of my road with options and the one thing I was trying to avoid was coming back as my only option - a permanent illeostomy (www.ostomy.org/ostomy_info/factsheets/facts_ileostomy_en.shtml). My dad has had one since his surgery that saved his life. I had already had two temporary ones throughout the course of my surgeries in the years prior, but I was trying everything to avoid this life-altering change. Looking back, I wish I had the surgery for a permanent illeostomy from the very beginning. It gave me my life back and enabled me to return to the healthy person I am today. Bob and I were so scared sitting on that bench in Chicago, on the phone with both our parents, knowing what we had to do. I have been fearful of making this part of me public, but I am not ashamed. It is my ticket to having my life back. I want severe Crohn's patients and others faced with this decision to know that a better life is possible.

Outside of July 28, 2009, the day we lost my beloved mother to ALS, the most fearful moment of my life was when my mom called me from John Hopkins University Hospital and she shared her diagnosis. I was in Detroit and had just left work at the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. I pulled my car over and sat there in shock. Her life, my life, my family's world was shattered. We were not expecting this and we all just stopped in our tracks. I immediately got on a plane to Washington D.C. to be with my parents and my aunt and uncle that lived there.

So, these are a few of my more difficult moments, along with many in between. We all have them and live with them. There are many fears yet to be realized, but I know the experiences I have had along the way and the strength that I have gained will guide me through it. One thing I have learned is you cannot live in fear. Over the years, especially waiting and trying to be parents, we put things off because we were scared things would not work out. This fear of moving forward only leads to regret. You have to sit in your fears sometimes and work to understand them. I remember how scared I was the day the doctor called me back to tell me that I had a malignant tumor in my left kidney. I was at the park with Megan and standing in the middle of this big field with my friends watching Megan on the side. I did not know at the time it was operable. The same month I had it removed I lost two friends, in their 30s like me, to breast and colon cancer. Now, those are deep fears.

When it comes down to it, my greatest fears now reside around the health and well being of my family. Beyond that, I feel like we can work it out some how. I am blessed in immeasurable ways. But fears and living with them is a part of life. I am lucky to be surrounded with the most special family on both sides and the greatest friends. I continue to work through the emotions of what I have been through. This blog is one way I am trying to let some of those feelings go and use my experiences to help others. Life is so hard, which is why we have to all be in it together.

Thought 11: Feeling speechless . . .

One of the benefits of living down the road from the Kennedy Space Center as a child were all the shuttle launches I had the opportunity to see growing up. My parents moved to Titusville, FL in 1966 and saw many of the Apollo missions blast into space. All you had to do was walk out of your home, your school, or stand on the riverbank and see the rocket rise off the launch pad. The windows of my house would shake. I probably became spoiled from the experience. In January 1986, when I was 11 years old, I walked outside of my school at Apollo Elementary with the rest of my classmates to see the Challenger launch. I remember it so clearly. I actually thought the smoke going in opposite directions was a trick at first. I was not sure what to think. I was scared and speechless, along with the rest of the world. 

We have been watching a lot of Mary Poppins at our house these days. Megan loves it. She takes her figures and dolls and sails them through the air singing "Let's Go Fly a Kite" or skips down the sidewalk singing "Step in time, Step in time." It warms my heart as this movie was one of my very favorites as a child. It is funny how you watch a movie as an adult and understand the references better or find it touches you in a new way. So, I thought it would be best to start off this blog with the word that you say when you don't know what to say . . . supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

I am feeling rather speechless this week. I am actually writing this blog from my dad's computer in Florida as Megan and I decided to escape the ice storm in Atlanta and come visit him a few days early. This is the first time I have sat down to write and not had a topic ahead of time. I usually write each blog in one sitting, but I also have been thinking about what I want to say all week. I am not one to be at a loss for words very often, but I am feeling somewhat quiet right now. 

I had actually planned on writing about some difficult emotions this week - ones that we all face through our unique life experiences - like fear, grief, and anxiety. I will write about my experiences with these and what I have learned from them in the coming weeks, but I couldn't put that out there on Valentine's Day. It just didn't give off the right mood. 

Sometimes the right words are not available.  I find this especially true when trying to comfort someone. I love being able to help a friend or loved one and possibly leave them with words that might make them feel better. I usually feel like I say too much or the wrong thing. Many times, the best words are no words at all. It is about just being there, holding a hand, giving a hug, or listening on the other end of the line. I need to practice the great art of listening more. I am lucky to have several special people in my life that are wonderful listeners. My mom was one of them which has left a big hole in my life. When my mom passed away, I remember feeling like there were no words that anyone could say that provided comfort. Life is just like this sometimes. The best feeling is knowing your friends and loved ones are in your corner no matter what happens. If I leave this earth tomorrow, I hope my friends and loved ones will remember me as someone who was always in their corner. 

I also find myself speechless when it comes to being a mother and navigating the ever changing road of raising a child. I feel like whatever falls out of my mouth, at whatever level of volume comes with it, is the wrong thing. We work so hard to be consistent and follow through with the consequences we give her, but it is just so hard. I lay in my bed at night questioning the things I said to her and the words I used, thinking, "next time I will say this . . ." I am lucky to be married to the most patient man in the world, so he helps me dial back when I get my self out of whack. We work well as a team and are doing our very best to be there for Megan. I still find myself standing in front of her sometimes, after she has done something she should not have done, and think to myself, "Yeah, I have no words here." 

I shared a few blog posts ago that my word for 2014 is patience. Like any new year's resolution, February is here and I have to remind myself of the goals I made so I don't see them slip away. Patience as a mother is a big focus for me right now as this is where I find it to be the most challenging. Patience with myself in my running is also hard, and forgiving myself when I don't have a week when it all goes right. I have to remind myself to "run my own race" and not compare myself to other runners, other mothers. So, for a week when I am feeling speechless, I will hold onto the words "patience" and "listening" and wait for the words to come. 

Happy Valentine's Day to you and much love to your friends and loved ones!  

Thought 10: A new feeling . . .

Hoping to make a difference has always been a part of my core. My parents taught us the importance of giving back as one of their central values. As a young girl, I called the 1-800 number on my own to adopt a child in Africa and contribute to the United Negro College Fund. I am not sure how I did this - did I just take my parent's credit card? Hilarious. My dad still gives to the UNCF to this day. My attempts to enter politics came early too and were short lived. When I was 10 years old, I ran for President of my elementary school against my best friend. We both lost, but I do have our speeches on VHS somewhere. I have never been one to give up as I tried again in middle school to run for Treasurer and in high school to run for Secretary, with no luck. It may not have helped me in high school that my mom misspelled "Sophomore" on all of my campaign tags. To this day, I have never forgotten that second "o." So, not much of a future as an elected official, but I will always be a strong advocate.

One race down, two more to go! I finished the Atlanta Hot Chocolate 15K (9.3 miles) on Sunday morning, January 26. The start and finish was just outside Turner Field. I was standing in my corral in the 20 degree-ish temps and two thoughts came to my mind. First, the sun was up as the 15K did not kickoff until 8:25am. Every race I have ever participated in started in darkness. It was a weird feeling for some reason. Second, I had never started a race by myself. I did not necessarily mind it, but again, it was a weird and noticeable feeling. Although, I certainly did not feel alone with all the inspirational quotes coming my way from my Betsy and Bob. I was shaking from the low temps before they released our corral of runners, but I warmed up pretty quickly and enjoyed the beautiful (and hilly) run through neighborhoods like Grant Park and Virginia Highlands, with the final miles by Georgia State University. I was definitely ready for the chocolate at mile 6!

Before I made the final turn around Turner Field, I ran across the bridge heading toward the Olympic rings. It was a powerful moment for me as I was immediately taken back to the 1996 games when my mom and I walked across this bridge to attend some track and field events. She was wearing brand new tennis shoes that day and had to take them off and walk barefoot because they were hurting her feet so bad. My mom is always with me, but I could feel her smiling down on me at that moment for sure.

It felt great to cross the finish line strong with a time of 1 hour and 34 minutes, a personal record for me. The hot chocolate and chocolate fondue that was handed to me soon after made the moment even sweeter! Thanks to the training help from my rockstar sister-in-law Tiffiny, I was able to pace myself and run the entire 9.3 miles, just making sure I stopped at the water stops every 2 miles to get my fluids. I never thought I would be able to run that far without multiple walk breaks, which is how I have always trained. I have been reminded numerous times in my life under a variety of circumstances that I am capable of much more than I know, as are all of you!

This race gave me a huge confidence boost as I head toward the Atlanta Half Marathon in March and the Chicago Marathon in October. A new feeling came over me as I worked through the very hilly course - I prepared well for this! I have not felt prepared for most things in life it feels like, which I am sure is a shared feeling, so this was both a new and good feeling! Training in the past has been interrupted for one reason or another and my performance and results reflected that lack of proper training. Although I know most of the time those reasons were out of my control, it still felt good to have the room to prepare now and see the results of my hard work at the finish line. I was not familiar with the course ahead of time, so I was nervous about all of the hills I knew were coming - what was going to be around the next corner? As I kept running, my confidence grew and I felt better and better about finishing strong. While I made my way up a long hill by Georgia State, I turned to the girl next to me and gave her a big high five. I thought a lot while I was running, "I am going to do this!" I was a winner just for showing up, but it was a proud moment to see my mind and body come together for a strong performance.

So, now it is time to ramp things up! I now have my sights set on the Atlanta Publix Half Marathon on Sunday, March 23. This will be an emotional race for me as it will be my third attempt. The first time was special as one of my very best friends and I walked the course together, me facing my third round of IVF and her going through a very difficult life transition. We crossed the finish line holding our hands high, but I knew I had more in me to give. I tried it again in 2013, but I was coming off of an injury from the Disney Half Marathon in January and I had to sit it out. So, I am hoping this is my time and I can break my best half marathon time of 2 hours and 21 minutes. I like that I am writing my 10th blog post the same week I ran my first double digit run of 10 miles (for this journey anyway). I also joined Twitter for the first time this week as I am trying to spread the word about my blog and story and learn more from a greater running community (@HubRunLive). It will mean so much more to me if I know this blog has reached someone that can connect with my story and feel comfort that they are not alone.

As I sign off, it always bears repeating that I have the best support at my home base. I did not want Bob to bring Megan out to the Hot Chocolate race as it was too cold and the parking was atrocious. So, I came home to this. Bob took Megan on a date to Waffle House that morning and they stopped to pick up some flowers. Megan told him that she wanted to get me some daffodils. She also picked out the pink plant too, which she will be glad to tell you is her very favorite color. Thank God for my home base!