Thought 26: 3 months and 2 weeks . . .

I became "Aunt Sue" in Wichita, Kansas on June 7, 2000. My Kaylen was born and I sat in the waiting room with my parents waiting for my brother Steve to come announce "it's a girl!" I love being an aunt and I am proud to now have four nieces and three nephews, with one on the way in the next month! I have been in the waiting room for four of their births and anxiously waiting by the phone for the news of the others. I love them all to pieces and would do anything for them. In looking back on the year 2000, my happy memories are mixed with difficult ones. After three years of being sick and not knowing what to do, Bob and I met my parents in Rochester, Minnesota so I could be evaluated at the Mayo Clinic. I saw multiple doctors who poked and prodded me from every angle. In the end, they sat me down and told me I had Crohn's Disease and connected me with a specialist back in Michigan. I was floored by this news, but I was glad to have some clarity on what was wrong. Bob and I returned to Ann Arbor and I completed my Masters degree by the end of the year, some of it from my bed with IV antibiotics flowing in my arm. But I was Aunt Sue now and that brought me so much joy. 

And the journey continues . . . I am sitting on the porch of our beach house rental for the annual Hubbard family beach week. What a special tradition! I have been coming to this week with the family for over 17 years and every year brings another full set of wonderful memories. It is pouring down rain today from Tropical Storm Arthur and we are having a "quiet" day inside - with four kids under the age of four. I have eaten my weight in chips this week, but you can't really mess with tradition. I brought my bag of running gear with me and have already logged a 6 and 4 mile run. I hope to kick off the 4th of July with a 9 mile run, but Arthur is going to have to get out of the way first.

I am excited to report that I just completed my first full month of training for the Chicago Marathon. I now have 3 months and 2 weeks to go until Race Day! Although I have been running pretty consistently all year, it feels good to have one month of official training behind me. I feel really good.
 I have struck a groove with my running and feel strong. I have come a long way from April when I hit such a rut with my training. Since I know what it takes to train for a half marathon, I now feel the difference in training for a full marathon - the longer weekday runs. I never ran 6 miles during the week in past training, and that mileage will only continue to climb. Wiser souls have warned me that I will really feel the marathon training when I run my first 15 mile long run. I'm sure they are right!

I received my "Run for ALS" singlet a few weeks ago from my charity team, the Les Turner ALS Foundation. Things became more real when I opened that package. I now wear it for every long run. I have to make sure it is good and broken in for race day. On the back it has a place to write the name of the person you are running for with the charity. I run for my mom every time I

lace up my shoes, so that is who I wrote on my shirt. But, since starting this journey, I have learned of three people in my life or connected with someone I know that are living with ALS or have lost their life to this devastating illness. I will include their initials on the back of my shirt as well, which includes my surgeon and friend, Dr. J. I will continue to add initials to my shirt as I learn of them, so if you know anyone who's life has been affected by ALS, please let me know and they will be running with me too. This disease affects a lot more people than most would think and needs much more attention than it is being given.

One of the great things about getting started with my marathon training is having a training plan that outlines my journey. I have my weeks mapped out from now until October 12 with what days I will be running and what days I will cross train. I know I will be running my longest run of 20 miles on Saturday, September 20. I was bouncing between two different training plans for some of June, but I have now settled into the TrainingPeaks plan sent to me through the Chicago Area Runners Association (CARA) and the Les Turner ALS Foundation. I have an app for it on my phone and can access it whenever I need it. The remote support I have received from CARA has been very useful. I also hope to join a local running group in July for my long Saturday runs.

The anticipation is gone. The waiting is over. I am doing it. I am training for a marathon and getting deeper into the journey every day. It's funny, I am not feeling scared because I know I will just take it one run at a time. I am prepared to run the distance in front of me and nothing more. There are some very hard days ahead of me and probably some tears along with them. I am comfortable now with running my own race and will use the incredible strength of those on my shirt along with my own inner strength to take the miles as they come. 

Thought 25: That's what friends are for . . .

In the fall of 1999, Bob and I made our first big move as a family. We moved to Ann Arbor, Michigan so I could attend the University of Michigan School of Social Work for my Masters Degree. I focused on Interpersonal Practice with Children and Families. We were Michigan fans instantly. I will never forget the look on Bob's face when we received our UM football season tickets in the mail before we moved. The first game was against Notre Dame and ESPN Gameday was there. Bob convinced me to get up early enough so we could be out there for the start of the show. We sported out maize and blue with tattoos on our face. We looked like we had been fans much longer then the 5 minutes we had lived there. Football Saturdays in Ann Arbor were some of our favorite days during our 7 years as Michiganders. Just don't bring up with Bob the Michigan State game we left early because I was cold and Michigan came back to win in the third overtime. Oops. 

How to draw a rainbow . . . Help in trying out for the dance team . . . Attempts at driving a manual transmission . . . a few of the many things that I have learned from my friends over my lifetime. Some of the things we learn from friends are things we can see while others touch closer to the heart. I have been fortunate to make so many amazing friends throughout my life, starting with my very first friends, Laura and Erica. I knew them both from almost the very beginning. I spent a lot of time with each of them in the first eleven years of my life before my family moved to Tallahassee. I am lucky that I am still connected with them both today and I enjoy staying in touch and seeing pictures of their beautiful children. 

One of the great things about social media sites like Facebook is I am able to stay connected with so many people from every part of my life. I have amazing friendships from both high school and college that I just wish I could keep up with better. Facebook is not the best way to do that, but unfortunately that is the best we have sometimes. I continue to try and do better to connect in other ways. The best friends I have from college are ones Bob and I share together. They are so special to us, and even though we don't have the chance to talk or get together like we want to, we always know that we are there for each other no matter what happens. I will never forget when they all drove or flew down for my mom's funeral. I was blown away and will never forget that moment when they all walked in together. I will love them always. 

When I became a mother in November 2010, I could not have been more excited and scared at the same time. Those first few months were somewhat lonely in that I did not have a lot of local connections to share in being a new mother. I was missing my mom like crazy as it had only been a year and a few months since she had passed. I didn't even realize how much I needed other women to share in this new experience of being a mom. I was blessed to have the two most amazing sister-in-laws to commiserate with as we all became moms within 10 weeks of each other - zero to three grandchildren almost instantly for Bob's parents!

And then one day in March 2011, I decided to venture out and take Megan to story time at our nearby library. I sat down and was excited about joining in on an activity that I looked forward to doing as a mom for so long. Little did I know that I was sitting down next to a fellow mother that would change my life forever - my Jenn. We started talking immediately and she told me about a local mom's group that she had connected with already. The group was organized through a website called Meetup and was a larger group of area moms looking to get together for playdates and activities, many of which were stay-at-home moms like me. My first "meetup" was at a local park and I was so nervous. I brought a blanket for Megan and sat down with all the other moms and babies. I quickly met some amazing friends who are now like family to me. It was a large group and different people showed up at different things, but it did not take us long to find each other and some of us to become a smaller and closer group of friends and "super mommies." 

We went out for an evening of celebration and friendship recently to say farewell as a group to two of our ladies. Their lives are taking them to new adventures in St. Louis and Raleigh, and I could not be more happy for them and their families. I will just miss them so much. I am not good with goodbyes. Both of these ladies are so incredibly special to me and are two of my best friends. We have navigated this thing called motherhood together on a daily basis. From the emotions that come with every stage to what sippy cup is best to problem solving when the babies are sick, we have discussed it all and kept each other sane. We have taken care of each other's kids and leaned on each other through both highs and lows. The ladies you see above, and some that are not pictured, have been a gift from God to me. I truly believe that my mom sent them to me. We have spent so much time together that I love their children like they are my own and it has been so much fun to see many of their families growing with additional children. Our kids all love each other so much and are learning about the importance of friendship from each other. 

We have played and spent time together on almost a weekly basis for over three years now, sometimes more than once a week. This picture is from the first playdate I hosted at our house with two of Megan's best buddies. As the kids continued to grow, we started taking our "couch pictures" and lining them up together. We have run out of couch room now, but it doesn't keep us from lining them up for a group shot. Over the years, we have kept the frozen yogurt business going in our community, worn out the sidewalks of the zoo and botanical gardens, made our presence known at the local parks, and destroyed many a playrooms at each other's homes. I had to get unlimited texting for my phone so I could keep up with our group conversations when we were not together. It is all in a good day's fun! 

As the kids all get bigger and time continues to move too fast, we always find ways to stay connected. It does become more of a challenge as families have different school schedules and activities start to come into play. Some friends have moved a few cities away, but still in the area, while we have our first birds to leave the nest and move to another state. We have all decided that we will work hard to stay in touch and find ways to stay connected. Life will always go on and distance can be difficult to deal with when trying to maintain any relationship. No matter where life takes any of us, we will always have these special years together when we learned so much about ourselves as both women and mothers, wives and daughters, and most of all friends.

Thought 24: A daddy's girl . . .

My first job out of college was at the Florida Children's Forum in Tallahassee, a statewide child care resource and referral agency. I had worked there a year when I turned 24 years old. I held several positions in my time with the organization and learned a lot about event planning and program management. I enjoyed the people I worked with the most and the work they entrusted in me as I was getting my feet wet in my first real professional position. I have to say my time as a 24-year-old adult in 1998 was a difficult one. I was learning more about my gastrointestinal issues and not understanding why no one could make me feel better. It wasn't until 2000 that I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, so I was incredibly frustrated with my symptoms. I was on and off weeks of prednisone because there was nothing else that made me feel better. Bob and I struggled with understanding this time and just wanted to enjoy our newlywed days. We made the best of it as always as we leaned on each other and both sides of our wonderful family for support. 

There are certain qualities in a father that mean the most to me. First, I think a father should provide unconditional love. A father should encourage their child to be a critical and independent thinker. A father should inspire their child to be a dreamer and follow those dreams, no matter where in the world those dreams will take them. A father should teach their children how to respect others, as well as respect themselves. A father should be fun and patient and always embrace the silliness in his children. A father should demonstrate how important it is to follow the rules and be responsible for one’s actions. However, he should also teach his children to think for themselves and use good judgment, even if it means breaking a rule every now and then. Finally, a father should teach his children the importance of giving back and respecting other people, no matter their background or differences. There are so many qualities that make a good father, and everyone would have a different list. These are the qualities that have had the most impact on me and I am blessed that my dad embodies all of them.

I have been so fortunate to have so many great men in my life – my father, my two older brothers, my husband, my father-in-law, my uncles, my brother-in-laws, and of course my grandfathers. I wish them all a very Happy Father’s Day! There is no denying who is my father. I look just like him. He loves the story of my co-worker that once said, “wow, you look just like your dad. It’s creeping me out.” It is a striking resemblance, but in the end, I hope that it is some of my other qualities that have the strongest connection to him – my competitiveness, ambition, generosity, humor, tender heart, instinct, courage, and stubbornness not to give up.  My dad and I have both been affected by Crohn’s Disease in our lives, and if it weren’t for him, if it weren’t for these qualities, I would never be here today.  

My mom always told me that my dad was surprised when I came along because he had never thought about having a girl.  He had faith in me from the beginning and knew that I could do anything I wanted to do in this world. I grew up in Titusville, Florida with a pool in my backyard. My dad had me in the water (no flotation device) at 8 months old. Before long, he was pushing me to the bottom of the pool to pick up pennies. We were buddies from the beginning. We had at least 10 games we would play in the pool that he made up. He would come home from work and put me in his Scout Jeep and take me down to the convenience store or ice cream shop for a treat. After he and my mom saw the matinee stage production of “The Wiz” in Orlando, he came home, put me in the car, and we drove all the way back for the evening show. He took me to his office on the weekends and I would pretend to be his secretary downstairs. He taught me how to keep score at major league baseball games.  He taught me how to write.  He inspired me to want to see the world. He shared his love of Broadway and took me to New York City on a regular basis (we hope to go again soon). He shared his love of reading and history and has inspired me to want to learn more. Although I fought it for so many years, he actually does have a good taste in music, which I am sure has had an influence on my love for country, bluegrass, and jazz.  

The funny thing is, I continue to learn from him with every year and am most grateful for what he gives my daughter as her “Gran.” He is in love with being a grandfather and seeing his four nieces and one grandson every chance he can get. He loves his family with all his heart and has always made me feel like my brothers and I were his first priority. He travelled a lot when we were growing up and still works and travels at the age of 74 years old. But I never felt his absence because he was always so present when he was home. My dad is not perfect. No one I know is perfect, most certainly not me. But I think my dad would be one of the first to admit that and has always been pretty hard on himself. I know I get my stubbornness from him. He has already arranged to have a copy of his car keys given to a friend, so when we take his keys away one day, he can still get away in his car and head out west.

My dad and I have a very special and unique relationship and friendship. It has grown and changed over the years, but I still look to him for guidance and wisdom. We truly enjoy each other’s company. One of the things I am most excited about is that the qualities I treasure most in my dad, I also see in my husband. I find great comfort in knowing that Megan will grow up and go through life with a dad that embodies all the qualities a dad should process. One of the greatest things that both my dad and husband share is their love of being a dad. My husband will always be there for Megan in all the ways she will need him. He provides her unconditional love and support and encourages her to try her best and be respectful of others. He is the stable force in her life and I have fallen in love with watching their relationship develop in her first three years. Between their yogurt dates and Frozen sing-a-longs and their Dr. Seuss adventures and Sat mornings while I am running, my husband never misses an opportunity to have his special time with his girl. He is always there, which is really what it is all about.

So, when does a father become a “dad” or “daddy?” I am sure there are as many opinions about this as there are answers, but I think it is about the bond between a dad and his child and the connection between two hearts. A dad longs to be with his kids and be there for his kids. He feels responsible for them and ensuring their safety and well-being. He embodies the qualities or similar ones that I mentioned above. My husband and I are very much a team and share the responsibility in raising a strong and confident daughter. My parents did the same. I am very aware of how lucky I am to have these relationships and sources of support. The relationship with my dad goes to the core of who I am and I could not be more grateful that God sent me someone that can give that same connection and love to our daughter. No coincidence they are both named Bob.

Happy Father’s Day to the two men that give my life such joy, to all the dad’s in my life, and all the dad’s everywhere! Here’s to you!

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation -  http://ow.ly/ukTos. 

Thought 23: Are you for real . . .

When Bob and I got married in December 1997, he was 22 and I was barely 23 years old. We were young and ready to take on the world together. Our wedding was absolutely beautiful and the big, fun party we wanted with our friends and family. Although, we always laugh that we didn't see any of the food until we opened the picnic basket in our hotel room later that night. It was an affair to remember for sure. We were married two days after Christmas and everything was decorated so beautifully. We could not have been more grateful to our parents for giving us such an amazing start to our lives. Our honeymoon was a cruise through the Caribbean and such a carefree time. We went scuba diving for the first time and both fell in love with the experience. We arrived home to our apartment, ready to start our lives as a family. The honeymoon ended pretty quickly as it was more apparent that I was having health issues that were new and different. Outside of some childhood asthma (that I grew out of when I was 8 years old) and problems with seasonal allergies throughout my teenage years and early twenties, I had never really been sick. Bob was there for me from the moment I had my first symptoms of Crohn's Disease just months after our wedding day. He is there for me now. I could not be more blessed. 

A friend asked me recently, "are you an avid runner?" I was really not sure how to answer. It's funny, I have been running pretty consistently for about two years now and I still have trouble thinking of myself as a runner. Am I an "avid runner?" The word "avid" means to have or show a keen interest or enthusiasm in something or to have an eager desire for something. So, do I have an interest or enthusiasm for running? I would say so. Bob texts me quotes like the one below every weekend during my long runs. He sent me this one last Saturday while I was running 7 miles. It really stuck with me and I wanted to share it with you.

I know people that run for lots of reasons and they all run at different levels and distances. I also know many people that don't run for lots of reasons. There were a lot of years when I would have laughed at you if you ever told me I would train as a runner, much less for a full marathon. Let's just say, I was not the first one picked during P.E. in school. But, I am a runner. I am an avid runner. I am not able to break 2 hours in a half marathon (a benchmark I have always attributed to serious runners), but I am only 20 minutes behind them and my medal looks the same. I show up and put in the time. My mile is just as long as the next runner, no matter when I finished it. I don't care if you run 2 miles, 10 miles, or 26.2, the effort can be the same if that is a goal for you. I remember when I never thought I could run a mile without stopping. It was such a challenge for me to reach that milestone. I have come a long way since then and that is why training is so important. As you increase your mileage, you sometimes wonder how you will ever be able to run farther than the goal you have for that day. I remember when I ran 6 miles for the first time when training for the 2013 Disney Half Marathon. While I was proud of myself, I thought, how would I ever be able to run more? And then I did.

I finally feel like I am getting back into a groove with my running. The heat is definitely my biggest challenge at the moment, but I am making it work. In order to prepare for the long haul, I have pulled back on my long runs and returned to interval training. I am running seven or eight minutes and walking one throughout the whole run. This worked really well for me during my last long run and left me feeling like I could do more. The run-walk method also doesn't take too much off your time if you do it consistently throughout the run. So, I continue to run my own race and use what works for me. I know I will hit bumps throughout my training, but so far so good!

Over the past week I also mapped out my training and runs between now and race day on October 12. Seeing the visual of what days I will run what distances provided me a lot of relief. I can now look ahead and make sure I plan around those growing distances, especially on the weekends. It is hard to imagine running farther than a half marathon distance of 13.1 miles, but like I have in the past, I will do it and continue to move up the mileage ladder. I am hoping to connect with a running group when the mileage gets past the half marathon distance. I feel very naive going into this experience and I know I will learn so much along the way, but that is why I am doing this. I want the experience. I crave it. I want to show myself that I can do this and that my body is strong enough both physically and mentally. I hope to inspire others that have faced health challenges like me or are looking for a reason to hope. I want to be a source of inspiration for those that need it. I have connected with a lot of runners through social media and have found my own sources of inspiration and motivation both in and out of the running world. I just want to give back.

So, if you are reading this and want to be a runner, just lace up and get out there. If you show up, you are a runner. If you run some of it and walk some of it, you are still a runner. Take on that couch to 5K. Take on the 10K. Go for the half marathon. Next time someone asks me if I am an avid or serious runner, I am going to say yes confidently. I am putting a lot of myself into this each week, as well as my family,  and I take that sacrifice and commitment seriously. If you are just getting started with this journey, you are still a runner. If you own it, I promise I will too.

On a side note, in my last blog, Thought 22, I forgot to add one more movie to my favorite list, A Few Good Men. Had to be said.

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation -  http://ow.ly/ukTos. 

Thought 22: Lighten Up Francis . . .

We were so young, but old enough to know that we wanted to be together forever. After we graduated college together in May 1997, I went home to live with my parents in Florida and Bob was just two months behind as he was starting a PhD program in Chemistry at Florida State University (now there is a story). I was not sure what I was doing next, but I knew I wanted to be close to Bob. The day he moved down was a big day for him. He had never lived more than an hour from where he grew up. We were both 22 years old and trying to figure out our place in the world. When he arrived, you could tell he was nervous about this big change. My mom and dad asked me to go "run an errand" and pick up some papers from a friend's house. They did a good job of stalling me. Bob wanted me out of the house so he could ask my parents for my hand in marriage. My dad told him that was fine as long as he changed the windshield wipers on my dad's car. Anyone who knows my dad will appreciate that humor. I came back and went upstairs to tell Bob that dinner was ready. He took my hand and shared the sweetest words while giving me a box. I opened it to find a Precious Moments couple of a boy proposing to a girl. I looked up at him and he was already on his knee. After I said yes and started crying, I immediately ran downstairs to tell my parents. Funny thing is, Bob still hasn't changed the windshield wipers on my dad's car. 

On Mother's Day, Bob suggested I get out of the house and go see a movie. I had been sick at home for almost a week and Megan was sick all weekend with a fever. He knew I was going stir crazy, so I took his advice. I did not want to see something that would make me sad, so I decided to give the movie Neighbors a try. It was TERRIBLE. I almost left early, but I was enjoying my popcorn and alone time. Either I am just old or it was just that bad. I don't get to an actual theater very often, so I appreciated the treat either way.

I LOVE movies, especially seeing them in an actual theater. I love how they make me feel and how immersed I get in the storyline and characters. If I could have any job in the world (and be given the talent to go along with it), I would be a movie director. I am fascinated with the behind the scenes action and how the whole thing comes together. My cousin Matt is a director and writer and I always tell him that I want to be his assistant. He thinks I'm kidding.

It's funny how you can remember where you were or who you were with when you saw certain movies. I remember my mom covering my eyes when she took my brothers and I to see Raiders of the Lost Ark because she thought it was too scary for me. I remember falling asleep to a Star Trek movie with my best friend Erica. I remember my dad and brother Mike taking me to see Hoosiers and assuring me that it was "not about basketball." I remember my brothers and I going to see Rain Man at the theater while my parents were throwing a dinner party, the only movie we ever went to see just the three of us. I will never forget going to see Forrest Gump with my parents and brothers and how blown away we all were with how good it was - not something that happens very often. I remember going to see Back to the Future in the theater and having to split up from my family to find a seat because it was sold out. I remember going to see Titanic with Bob after our honeymoon cruise through the Caribbean. We were glad we waited until we got back to go see it. I remember going to the movies and seeing The Notebook with Bob's family at the beach, our favorite rainy day beach activity before kids, and crying my eyes out.

My brother Mike and I have always enjoyed going to the movies together. It was out little date when I was younger. Bob and I share the love of going to the movies (and sharing popcorn) and always enjoyed catching a double feature when we were in college and married without kids. Once we tried a triple feature, but I think that took it a little too far. We always went through the ethical dilemma of whether or not to pay for the second movie or just sneak over. We are good kids. We always went out and bought the second set of tickets. Nowadays, we are lucky to get to the movie theater a couple times a year. We definitely need to make time for regular date nights, but we need a deeper bench on the babysitter front to make that possible.

In 2003, one of my best friends Melissa and I met in Los Angeles for the Academy Awards weekend. We hit all the sites including Rodeo Drive, the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Grauman's Chinese Theater, Venice Beach, and the Kodak Theater. Our eyes hurt by the end of the weekend looking for celebrities. We did see Nicole Kidman hold up her Oscar as she was getting in her car as we congregated with the crowd across the street from the Kodak Theater. It was good fun and a wonderful time catching up with a lifetime friend.

I have always wanted to take the list of "Best Picture" movies and start watching the ones I have not seen. Not that a movie's worth is based on whether or not it wins an award. Its funny, many of the "Best Picture" winners are probably movies that my dad tried to get me to watch growing up and I thought I was too cool to watch his old favorites. He gave me a copy of his all-time favorite movie recently that did win a Best Supporting Actor award in its day, A Thousand Clowns. This is not a movie most people have probably heard of these days, but this was a staple in our house growing up. As much as I complained when I was younger, it is actually a really good movie. As my dad always tells me, "You can never have too many eagles."

It is impossible for me to a pick a list of my favorites as I know I am forgetting one. I tend to lean toward Dramas as I like a movie that has a good message behind it and will bring up a lot of emotions in me. I looked through my DVD collection to help, but I would say the following movies would always be in my top favorites . . . 

The Color Purple

Shawshank Redemption

Forrest Gump

When Harry Met Sally

Juno

Rounders

Dead Poet's Society

The American President

Good Will Hunting

Sound of Music

A Few Good Men

I have so many favorites from each decade like Pretty Woman from the 90s or Can't But Me Love from the 80s. I hope Stripes fans appreciated the reference in the title of my blog. Then I remember classics like Gone with the Wind, Music Man, and Wizard of Oz. I always love a good classic, and if it is a musical, even better. My mom and I loved the movie Stepmom - talk about a movie that will make me cry. Bob and I always enjoy watching our regular favorites like Rounders and The Italian Job. I just can't get enough and the list goes on and on. It is not often a movie blows you away and it seems less and less so as the years go by. But when it does, it just lights me up inside. 

On a running note, my gym has a cardio theater where they have three rows of treadmills and you can watch the movie of the day on a huge movie theater size screen while you run. I had to run 5 miles on the treadmill the other day because I didn't have a sitter for Megan so I could run outside. I was dreading it because I prefer the outdoors and was just hoping for a good movie. I was pleasantly surprised in Jack Reacher with Tom Cruise. It was starting at the beginning, so I was able to see the first 55 minutes or so. I was pleasantly surprised and would like to watch the rest sometime. It distracted me enough to get in my best treadmill workout in a long time. I had a great running week and clocked in 16 miles total. Here I come Hollywood!

Please share your favorite movies or favorite movie memory . . . 

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation -  http://ow.ly/ukTos. 

Thought 21: Happy Thoughts . . .

One of my greatest academic challenges came when I was 21 years old and a junior in college. Furman is well known for their undergraduate research program and I was lucky to be a part of it. I will never forget the name of my study, "The Effects of Age on the Recognition of Performed Activities." I am proud I can recall that without any hesitation. I spent the summer of 1996 working on this psychological study as well as the whole next year and into my senior year. I had to recruit 60 students and 60 older adults over the age of 65 to participate in the study. It took an hour and a half each time and I could only test 3 people at once. I had to choose a committee of three Psychology professors to propose the project to as well as defend my findings in a formal presentation the winter of my senior year. It took me a year and a half to finish the research, write the paper, and defend the findings. I'll never forget the feeling of relief when I walked out of that presentation - probably my proudest moment in my education journey. 

I may finally be coming out of my fog. Over the past two months or so, especially the past three weeks, I have not felt like myself. Since my half marathon in March, I have felt burnt out on my running and overall pretty lethargic. I was worried it was something more going on physically, but I now know sometimes you are just tired because you are just tired. I have put a lot of pressure on myself with this running journey and my body just needed a break. After fighting the fatigue for about a month, I decided to give in and dial things back for a few weeks. I do pretty well when I just listen to what my body is telling me. I turned down the mileage on my running, checked in with my physical therapist, and tried to ease the pressure off a bit.

Things were feeling better until I came down with a stomach virus that knocked me down for a week and a half and sent me to the emergency room twice for fluids from dehydration. With having an illeostomy, dehydration comes on so quickly and there is no amount of Gatorade that can make it better. Doctors always run extra tests on me when they hear my medical history, especially doctors that have never met me or don't know me very well. After hearing things like "your Crohn's Disease could be flaring up" (which would be the first time in 7 years) or "you might have a partial intestinal blockage," I think everyone involved is pretty sure it was a stomach virus. But thank you to the medical community for the good scare.  I do appreciate them all being very careful and thorough.

It is times like this that I call on my bank of happy thoughts. Everyone needs a happy thought. Whether it is a place, a time, a person, an object, everyone needs a thought that can center them and provide a sense of calmness. When I am in the middle of a difficult moment, I close my eyes and try to channel one of these thoughts.  I think we all need them for a variety of reasons.

Here are a few of mine . . .

A memory . . . This picture is from one of my favorite days with my family. This is actually one of the few pictures we have of just the five of us. My mom was awarded the "Champion for Children Award" for all her work in early childhood education in Florida.  My dad encouraged us all to come home and surprise her for the awards dinner. My two brothers and I came from three different cities and arrived together at my dad's office. My mom was holding a board meeting there for her day care center. We all walked into the meeting together and surprised her. She just stood up, immediately started crying and said "These are my children." Now that was a good day. My mom will always be one of the happy thoughts that brings me the most comfort, especially when I hear one of our favorite songs. We could really rock it out dancing to music. 

A place . . . Bob and I went to Hawaii for our fifth anniversary and have always longed to go back. Any tropical location will really do, but this was the view from our wonderful little hotel in Maui and I often close my eyes and feel better just picturing it and imagining the sounds of the ocean.  I grew up 15 minutes from the beach and have always found it to be a place of peace for me. My parents used to bury me in the sand as a child, with my bald head sticking out, and I would just fall asleep.

A person . . . I am blessed to have so many people in my life that bring a sense of calmness and peace to my soul. For so long, the love and moments I have shared with my brother's kids have been my happy thoughts. I have always cherished the relationships I have with each of them and the laughter and special moments we have had together throughout their childhoods. For example, my nieces Ally and Morgan have laughs that are like no other. When I need a happy thought, I will just close my eyes and channel the sounds of their giggles. Instant smile! Sometimes when I am struggling with my running or tackling a big hill, I picture my family and friends running beside me or cheering me on at the top of the hill. Thank you Leslie for all the high fives! 

The moment . . . This past week, Bob and I were excited to celebrate three years since we finalized Megan's adoption in a Utah courtroom, almost 6 months to the day after she was born. Although I felt like she was ours from the moment she came into this world and into our arms, that special day in May will always be a day our family celebrates. A happy thought indeed! I remember sitting outside of the courtroom giving her a bottle, just hoping she would last through the proceedings. After all of the formalities had been completed, the judge turned to us and asked us how we felt about Megan. I immediately started crying as I was so full of emotion and doing my best to find just the right words. Megan and Bob are my greatest sources of happiness and bring me the peace and comfort I need during all the highs, lows, and everything in between. 

The happy thoughts for me continue on and on with moments like taking Megan to Disney World for the first time or seeing Bob, Megan, and my dad cheering me to the finish line of the Publix Half Marathon in March. My mother-in-law's cooking has to be mentioned as just the thought of it has brought me great comfort over the years, although having it is much better! Life is so hard, but the more we live, the more opportunities we have to create new happy thoughts and grow our reserves for when we need them the most. 

So, now that the fog has cleared, I am ready to officially start my marathon training. Thank you to my dear friends for being there while I was sick and helping with Megan. Sometimes, in fact, mommies do get sick. Summer is here and the heat has arrived. I am spending a few days in Florida this weekend and will be running six miles as my first official long run. Since I don't have my trusty, favorite trail nearby, I will be trekking out from my dad's house to our favorite local breakfast place. It is about six miles in between, and what a happy thought for me knowing that I will have the #3 special of french toast, bacon, and grits waiting for me when I finish! 

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation -  http://ow.ly/ukTos. 

Thought 20: Feeling surrounded . . .

It is hard to believe that college students have to decide what they want to do the rest of their life by the end of their sophomore year. I was lucky as I knew my major would be psychology before I even stepped on to the Furman campus. When I was 20 years old, I walked into the office of Lib Nanny in the basement of Plyler Hall to declare being a psych major. Looking back now I would still choose that path, but I probably would have stuck a semester of foreign study in there. I am proud I survived Furman as a psych major - trust me, it is a badge of honor. Furman prepared me so much as a writer and researcher - a foundation I will forever benefit from both professionally and personally. 

My first touch with cancer (at least when I was aware) came when I was 19 years old. My Granddaddy (dad's dad) passed away from lung cancer at the end of my first semester in college. I was of course devastated as this was also the first time I really encountered death in my own family. My BaPa (mom's dad) passed away when I was an infant. I will always wish I had the chance to get to know him, but I am glad he had the chance to meet me. Other than my Granddaddy, I had not encountered a lot of cancer in my life until my 30s, at least that was on my radar screen. I don't know if it just wasn't really there or I just wasn't paying attention.

I have been very troubled and disturbed lately with how much cancer I see around me. Maybe I became more aware when I had my brush with renal cancer in 2012. Since my tumor was operable, I never really felt like I had "cancer." I never really felt like I could claim I was part of the club. I did not have to undergo any chemotherapy or radiation. I just had an operation and it was gone. But I will never forget the moment when I got the call from my doctor with the diagnosis. I was standing in the middle of a grassy field with Megan and some friends. I felt like my whole life had come to a halt and my mind went straight to the worst case scenario. I was terrified. My biggest question and worry throughout that experience was, how did my body create this? Will it do it again? There is no answer to this, but I will continue to get scanned and checked out annually to make sure I am cancer free.

I also have to admit that I have had some bitterness toward all the attention toward cancer since losing my mom. The "C" word (which my mom always told me was a bad word in her house growing up) is always seen as the worst possible diagnosis. After watching my mom lose her life to ALS, a disease that has no cure or treatment, I thought that at least cancer has treatment options - at least there is some hope. I have had to work through a lot of anger about my mom having such a harsh diagnosis. The thing is though, it is all very harsh and makes no sense. Why my loved one? Why now? What are our options? Sometimes there are options and sometimes there are not. Either way, facing a possible terminal illness, you or a family member, is frightening, devastating, and debilitating, no matter the diagnosis.

My sweet Jennie on the far left. 

I have seen cancer hit the lives of many friends and some family members over the course of the past five years in particular, and some before then. But the last two years I have seen the very best outcomes along with the very worst. I am overwhelmed by how much suffering I see out there to cancer. The thing that made June 2012 (the month I had my tumor removed) so terribly difficult and awakening to me was I lost a dear friend and colleague to breast cancer (Jennie) who was a few years younger to me, as well as an old work colleague to colon cancer that was only two years older than me. I learned about both recovering in my bed at home and was just floored by it. My dear friend Jennie, who will always be one of the best people I have ever met, made such a dynamic mark on this world. She had a spirit that was like no other and I just wish I had been there for her during her last year and had the chance to know her better. She is a loss I will never understand.

Then I watched one of my very best friends face a breast cancer diagnosis in fall 2012 and come through the other end of it just fine. She faced her diagnosis and treatment with such strength and I am glad that I had the chance to be close to her as she took that journey. We celebrate her today as she recently gave birth to twins and hopefully will continue to stay cancer free. The thing that has been the hardest for me is to see so many young people in their 30s and 40s battling this diagnosis. I guess I never noticed it before because I wasn't in that age group, but I do think there is a higher trend in seeing cancer in younger populations. Some people I learn about are friends, friends of friends, or complete strangers. The hardest to understand will always be children. A friend of mine from college lost her son last year. I just find it all very maddening. It can be cancer, heart disease, ALS, or whatever, seeing so much pain at any age is something that hits me hard at my core. I am a person that internalizes the problems and pain of others and feels so helpless that there is nothing I can do to help.

I know that cancer and other diseases will be something I will see more and more of as I get older. Although, I stay hopeful that over the next 10 years we will see some scientific breakthroughs. I am a big supporter of stem cell research and think that it holds some great possibilities for treatment and cures. I just feel like right now I am surrounded by stories of cancer, both from people I know and strangers. I continue to participate in the intercessory prayer ministry at my church and spend an hour a week praying for others. I see a lot of difficult cancer stories there from every age.

This week has been particularly difficult as I watch one of my best friends face her dad's losing battle with cancer. It hits me so hard for so many reasons, but mainly I don't want to see someone I love hurting.  My heart is with her and her dad as they share some important moments together in the coming days. I dedicated my 10K run to him in January and was hoping so badly that his run with cancer would be at a better place now. She knows I love her from the bottom of my heart and I will be here for whatever happens.

Some people say "cancer sucks" and it absolutely does. Pain and loss sucks. Losing a loved one sucks. However "sucks" does not seem like the appropriate word. I think every person that deals with it probably has a different word they would use. I am still searching for the right one. Any diagnosis that can threaten your life or cause you pain is devastating. But I am determined not to lose my hopeful spirit. Otherwise, why would I say a prayer. I pray that all of my friends and family (including myself) that have faced cancer don't ever have to again. I pray that those losing the battle can be surrounded by their loved ones and see that their life can continue through the eyes and spirit of those they love the most. Ultimately, I pray that they find a cure, which is why hope is so important.