The year I turned 12 years old was a big transition time for me and my family. I saw my oldest brother go off to college, which was hard for me. My family moved from Titusville, the only town I had ever known, to Tallahassee, a huge city in my eyes. I was so young for my grade, so my parents decided to use the transition time and new school to have me repeat 6th grade. It was a gift and gave me an extra year to mature emotionally. However, with all of these changes, I was so scared to leave behind my friends and everything familiar.
I live with a lot of fears, some valid and some irrational. Some could be labeled worries I guess as I have developed worrying into an art. When I was thinking about what I had shared through this blog so far, I knew there were significant parts of the story that still needed to be discussed. I have shared what happened and some of the feelings behind it. I want to be motivational and show how well I am doing now. However, I am not doing my story justice if I don't explore some of the darker moments and more difficult feelings.
We all are met with moments in our lives when we are faced with our worst fears. I have unfortunately had a few friends experience this over the past week. Although I have done my best to stay positive over the years, I have had moments when my fears just took over. I remember when I was sitting in the patient room at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester with my parents and Bob. After a series of tests and evaluations, they confirmed with me that I had Crohn's Disease. The only experience I had ever had with this diagnosis was through my dad, which was many years of being extremely sick and a surgery that almost took his life when I was four years old. I sat there feeling so very sick, and with very little education and information, I was terrified.
Another moment was standing in the hallway of a hotel in Tampa trying to muster the energy to go to my grandmother's funeral. I was in the worst pain of my life, holding onto the wall while I walked to the elevator. I had just had my first surgery two weeks before when they removed most of my large intestine. I insisted on coming down to her funeral. I thought the pain would eventually go away. We were all so naive back then. Little did I know that I had a perforation at my incision site that I lived with for 5 days. When we flew back to Michigan, my mom and Bob took me straight back to the hospital. If there was ever a moment when my life was in danger, this would have been it. I was terrified. They performed emergency surgery on me in the middle of the night.
I will never forget when Bob and I were sitting on a bench outside the University of Chicago. My surgeon in Michigan had tried everything he knew to do and I was just not getting better. He referred me to a doctor in Chicago to get one more opinion. I had reached the end of my road with options and the one thing I was trying to avoid was coming back as my only option - a permanent illeostomy (www.ostomy.org/ostomy_info/factsheets/facts_ileostomy_en.shtml). My dad has had one since his surgery that saved his life. I had already had two temporary ones throughout the course of my surgeries in the years prior, but I was trying everything to avoid this life-altering change. Looking back, I wish I had the surgery for a permanent illeostomy from the very beginning. It gave me my life back and enabled me to return to the healthy person I am today. Bob and I were so scared sitting on that bench in Chicago, on the phone with both our parents, knowing what we had to do. I have been fearful of making this part of me public, but I am not ashamed. It is my ticket to having my life back. I want severe Crohn's patients and others faced with this decision to know that a better life is possible.
Outside of July 28, 2009, the day we lost my beloved mother to ALS, the most fearful moment of my life was when my mom called me from John Hopkins University Hospital and she shared her diagnosis. I was in Detroit and had just left work at the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. I pulled my car over and sat there in shock. Her life, my life, my family's world was shattered. We were not expecting this and we all just stopped in our tracks. I immediately got on a plane to Washington D.C. to be with my parents and my aunt and uncle that lived there.
So, these are a few of my more difficult moments, along with many in between. We all have them and live with them. There are many fears yet to be realized, but I know the experiences I have had along the way and the strength that I have gained will guide me through it. One thing I have learned is you cannot live in fear. Over the years, especially waiting and trying to be parents, we put things off because we were scared things would not work out. This fear of moving forward only leads to regret. You have to sit in your fears sometimes and work to understand them. I remember how scared I was the day the doctor called me back to tell me that I had a malignant tumor in my left kidney. I was at the park with Megan and standing in the middle of this big field with my friends watching Megan on the side. I did not know at the time it was operable. The same month I had it removed I lost two friends, in their 30s like me, to breast and colon cancer. Now, those are deep fears.
When it comes down to it, my greatest fears now reside around the health and well being of my family. Beyond that, I feel like we can work it out some how. I am blessed in immeasurable ways. But fears and living with them is a part of life. I am lucky to be surrounded with the most special family on both sides and the greatest friends. I continue to work through the emotions of what I have been through. This blog is one way I am trying to let some of those feelings go and use my experiences to help others. Life is so hard, which is why we have to all be in it together.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
Thought 11: Feeling speechless . . .
One of the benefits of living down the road from the Kennedy Space Center as a child were all the shuttle launches I had the opportunity to see growing up. My parents moved to Titusville, FL in 1966 and saw many of the Apollo missions blast into space. All you had to do was walk out of your home, your school, or stand on the riverbank and see the rocket rise off the launch pad. The windows of my house would shake. I probably became spoiled from the experience. In January 1986, when I was 11 years old, I walked outside of my school at Apollo Elementary with the rest of my classmates to see the Challenger launch. I remember it so clearly. I actually thought the smoke going in opposite directions was a trick at first. I was not sure what to think. I was scared and speechless, along with the rest of the world.
We have been watching a lot of Mary Poppins at our house these days. Megan loves it. She takes her figures and dolls and sails them through the air singing "Let's Go Fly a Kite" or skips down the sidewalk singing "Step in time, Step in time." It warms my heart as this movie was one of my very favorites as a child. It is funny how you watch a movie as an adult and understand the references better or find it touches you in a new way. So, I thought it would be best to start off this blog with the word that you say when you don't know what to say . . . supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
I am feeling rather speechless this week. I am actually writing this blog from my dad's computer in Florida as Megan and I decided to escape the ice storm in Atlanta and come visit him a few days early. This is the first time I have sat down to write and not had a topic ahead of time. I usually write each blog in one sitting, but I also have been thinking about what I want to say all week. I am not one to be at a loss for words very often, but I am feeling somewhat quiet right now.
I had actually planned on writing about some difficult emotions this week - ones that we all face through our unique life experiences - like fear, grief, and anxiety. I will write about my experiences with these and what I have learned from them in the coming weeks, but I couldn't put that out there on Valentine's Day. It just didn't give off the right mood.
Sometimes the right words are not available. I find this especially true when trying to comfort someone. I love being able to help a friend or loved one and possibly leave them with words that might make them feel better. I usually feel like I say too much or the wrong thing. Many times, the best words are no words at all. It is about just being there, holding a hand, giving a hug, or listening on the other end of the line. I need to practice the great art of listening more. I am lucky to have several special people in my life that are wonderful listeners. My mom was one of them which has left a big hole in my life. When my mom passed away, I remember feeling like there were no words that anyone could say that provided comfort. Life is just like this sometimes. The best feeling is knowing your friends and loved ones are in your corner no matter what happens. If I leave this earth tomorrow, I hope my friends and loved ones will remember me as someone who was always in their corner.
I also find myself speechless when it comes to being a mother and navigating the ever changing road of raising a child. I feel like whatever falls out of my mouth, at whatever level of volume comes with it, is the wrong thing. We work so hard to be consistent and follow through with the consequences we give her, but it is just so hard. I lay in my bed at night questioning the things I said to her and the words I used, thinking, "next time I will say this . . ." I am lucky to be married to the most patient man in the world, so he helps me dial back when I get my self out of whack. We work well as a team and are doing our very best to be there for Megan. I still find myself standing in front of her sometimes, after she has done something she should not have done, and think to myself, "Yeah, I have no words here."
I shared a few blog posts ago that my word for 2014 is patience. Like any new year's resolution, February is here and I have to remind myself of the goals I made so I don't see them slip away. Patience as a mother is a big focus for me right now as this is where I find it to be the most challenging. Patience with myself in my running is also hard, and forgiving myself when I don't have a week when it all goes right. I have to remind myself to "run my own race" and not compare myself to other runners, other mothers. So, for a week when I am feeling speechless, I will hold onto the words "patience" and "listening" and wait for the words to come.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and much love to your friends and loved ones!
I am feeling rather speechless this week. I am actually writing this blog from my dad's computer in Florida as Megan and I decided to escape the ice storm in Atlanta and come visit him a few days early. This is the first time I have sat down to write and not had a topic ahead of time. I usually write each blog in one sitting, but I also have been thinking about what I want to say all week. I am not one to be at a loss for words very often, but I am feeling somewhat quiet right now.
I had actually planned on writing about some difficult emotions this week - ones that we all face through our unique life experiences - like fear, grief, and anxiety. I will write about my experiences with these and what I have learned from them in the coming weeks, but I couldn't put that out there on Valentine's Day. It just didn't give off the right mood.
Sometimes the right words are not available. I find this especially true when trying to comfort someone. I love being able to help a friend or loved one and possibly leave them with words that might make them feel better. I usually feel like I say too much or the wrong thing. Many times, the best words are no words at all. It is about just being there, holding a hand, giving a hug, or listening on the other end of the line. I need to practice the great art of listening more. I am lucky to have several special people in my life that are wonderful listeners. My mom was one of them which has left a big hole in my life. When my mom passed away, I remember feeling like there were no words that anyone could say that provided comfort. Life is just like this sometimes. The best feeling is knowing your friends and loved ones are in your corner no matter what happens. If I leave this earth tomorrow, I hope my friends and loved ones will remember me as someone who was always in their corner.
I also find myself speechless when it comes to being a mother and navigating the ever changing road of raising a child. I feel like whatever falls out of my mouth, at whatever level of volume comes with it, is the wrong thing. We work so hard to be consistent and follow through with the consequences we give her, but it is just so hard. I lay in my bed at night questioning the things I said to her and the words I used, thinking, "next time I will say this . . ." I am lucky to be married to the most patient man in the world, so he helps me dial back when I get my self out of whack. We work well as a team and are doing our very best to be there for Megan. I still find myself standing in front of her sometimes, after she has done something she should not have done, and think to myself, "Yeah, I have no words here."
I shared a few blog posts ago that my word for 2014 is patience. Like any new year's resolution, February is here and I have to remind myself of the goals I made so I don't see them slip away. Patience as a mother is a big focus for me right now as this is where I find it to be the most challenging. Patience with myself in my running is also hard, and forgiving myself when I don't have a week when it all goes right. I have to remind myself to "run my own race" and not compare myself to other runners, other mothers. So, for a week when I am feeling speechless, I will hold onto the words "patience" and "listening" and wait for the words to come.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and much love to your friends and loved ones!
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Thought 10: A new feeling . . .
Hoping to make a difference has always been a part of my core. My parents taught us the importance of giving back as one of their central values. As a young girl, I called the 1-800 number on my own to adopt a child in Africa and contribute to the United Negro College Fund. I am not sure how I did this - did I just take my parent's credit card? Hilarious. My dad still gives to the UNCF to this day. My attempts to enter politics came early too and were short lived. When I was 10 years old, I ran for President of my elementary school against my best friend. We both lost, but I do have our speeches on VHS somewhere. I have never been one to give up as I tried again in middle school to run for Treasurer and in high school to run for Secretary, with no luck. It may not have helped me in high school that my mom misspelled "Sophomore" on all of my campaign tags. To this day, I have never forgotten that second "o." So, not much of a future as an elected official, but I will always be a strong advocate.
One race down, two more to go! I finished the Atlanta Hot Chocolate 15K (9.3 miles) on Sunday morning, January 26. The start and finish was just outside Turner Field. I was standing in my corral in the 20 degree-ish temps and two thoughts came to my mind. First, the sun was up as the 15K did not kickoff until 8:25am. Every race I have ever participated in started in darkness. It was a weird feeling for some reason. Second, I had never started a race by myself. I did not necessarily mind it, but again, it was a weird and noticeable feeling. Although, I certainly did not feel alone with all the inspirational quotes coming my way from my Betsy and Bob. I was shaking from the low temps before they released our corral of runners, but I warmed up pretty quickly and enjoyed the beautiful (and hilly) run through neighborhoods like Grant Park and Virginia Highlands, with the final miles by Georgia State University. I was definitely ready for the chocolate at mile 6!
Before I made the final turn around Turner Field, I ran across the bridge heading toward the Olympic rings. It was a powerful moment for me as I was immediately taken back to the 1996 games when my mom and I walked across this bridge to attend some track and field events. She was wearing brand new tennis shoes that day and had to take them off and walk barefoot because they were hurting her feet so bad. My mom is always with me, but I could feel her smiling down on me at that moment for sure.
It felt great to cross the finish line strong with a time of 1 hour and 34 minutes, a personal record for me. The hot chocolate and chocolate fondue that was handed to me soon after made the moment even sweeter! Thanks to the training help from my rockstar sister-in-law Tiffiny, I was able to pace myself and run the entire 9.3 miles, just making sure I stopped at the water stops every 2 miles to get my fluids. I never thought I would be able to run that far without multiple walk breaks, which is how I have always trained. I have been reminded numerous times in my life under a variety of circumstances that I am capable of much more than I know, as are all of you!
This race gave me a huge confidence boost as I head toward the Atlanta Half Marathon in March and the Chicago Marathon in October. A new feeling came over me as I worked through the very hilly course - I prepared well for this! I have not felt prepared for most things in life it feels like, which I am sure is a shared feeling, so this was both a new and good feeling! Training in the past has been interrupted for one reason or another and my performance and results reflected that lack of proper training. Although I know most of the time those reasons were out of my control, it still felt good to have the room to prepare now and see the results of my hard work at the finish line. I was not familiar with the course ahead of time, so I was nervous about all of the hills I knew were coming - what was going to be around the next corner? As I kept running, my confidence grew and I felt better and better about finishing strong. While I made my way up a long hill by Georgia State, I turned to the girl next to me and gave her a big high five. I thought a lot while I was running, "I am going to do this!" I was a winner just for showing up, but it was a proud moment to see my mind and body come together for a strong performance.
So, now it is time to ramp things up! I now have my sights set on the Atlanta Publix Half Marathon on Sunday, March 23. This will be an emotional race for me as it will be my third attempt. The first time was special as one of my very best friends and I walked the course together, me facing my third round of IVF and her going through a very difficult life transition. We crossed the finish line holding our hands high, but I knew I had more in me to give. I tried it again in 2013, but I was coming off of an injury from the Disney Half Marathon in January and I had to sit it out. So, I am hoping this is my time and I can break my best half marathon time of 2 hours and 21 minutes. I like that I am writing my 10th blog post the same week I ran my first double digit run of 10 miles (for this journey anyway). I also joined Twitter for the first time this week as I am trying to spread the word about my blog and story and learn more from a greater running community (@HubRunLive). It will mean so much more to me if I know this blog has reached someone that can connect with my story and feel comfort that they are not alone.
As I sign off, it always bears repeating that I have the best support at my home base. I did not want Bob to bring Megan out to the Hot Chocolate race as it was too cold and the parking was atrocious. So, I came home to this. Bob took Megan on a date to Waffle House that morning and they stopped to pick up some flowers. Megan told him that she wanted to get me some daffodils. She also picked out the pink plant too, which she will be glad to tell you is her very favorite color. Thank God for my home base!
One race down, two more to go! I finished the Atlanta Hot Chocolate 15K (9.3 miles) on Sunday morning, January 26. The start and finish was just outside Turner Field. I was standing in my corral in the 20 degree-ish temps and two thoughts came to my mind. First, the sun was up as the 15K did not kickoff until 8:25am. Every race I have ever participated in started in darkness. It was a weird feeling for some reason. Second, I had never started a race by myself. I did not necessarily mind it, but again, it was a weird and noticeable feeling. Although, I certainly did not feel alone with all the inspirational quotes coming my way from my Betsy and Bob. I was shaking from the low temps before they released our corral of runners, but I warmed up pretty quickly and enjoyed the beautiful (and hilly) run through neighborhoods like Grant Park and Virginia Highlands, with the final miles by Georgia State University. I was definitely ready for the chocolate at mile 6!
Before I made the final turn around Turner Field, I ran across the bridge heading toward the Olympic rings. It was a powerful moment for me as I was immediately taken back to the 1996 games when my mom and I walked across this bridge to attend some track and field events. She was wearing brand new tennis shoes that day and had to take them off and walk barefoot because they were hurting her feet so bad. My mom is always with me, but I could feel her smiling down on me at that moment for sure.
It felt great to cross the finish line strong with a time of 1 hour and 34 minutes, a personal record for me. The hot chocolate and chocolate fondue that was handed to me soon after made the moment even sweeter! Thanks to the training help from my rockstar sister-in-law Tiffiny, I was able to pace myself and run the entire 9.3 miles, just making sure I stopped at the water stops every 2 miles to get my fluids. I never thought I would be able to run that far without multiple walk breaks, which is how I have always trained. I have been reminded numerous times in my life under a variety of circumstances that I am capable of much more than I know, as are all of you!
This race gave me a huge confidence boost as I head toward the Atlanta Half Marathon in March and the Chicago Marathon in October. A new feeling came over me as I worked through the very hilly course - I prepared well for this! I have not felt prepared for most things in life it feels like, which I am sure is a shared feeling, so this was both a new and good feeling! Training in the past has been interrupted for one reason or another and my performance and results reflected that lack of proper training. Although I know most of the time those reasons were out of my control, it still felt good to have the room to prepare now and see the results of my hard work at the finish line. I was not familiar with the course ahead of time, so I was nervous about all of the hills I knew were coming - what was going to be around the next corner? As I kept running, my confidence grew and I felt better and better about finishing strong. While I made my way up a long hill by Georgia State, I turned to the girl next to me and gave her a big high five. I thought a lot while I was running, "I am going to do this!" I was a winner just for showing up, but it was a proud moment to see my mind and body come together for a strong performance.
So, now it is time to ramp things up! I now have my sights set on the Atlanta Publix Half Marathon on Sunday, March 23. This will be an emotional race for me as it will be my third attempt. The first time was special as one of my very best friends and I walked the course together, me facing my third round of IVF and her going through a very difficult life transition. We crossed the finish line holding our hands high, but I knew I had more in me to give. I tried it again in 2013, but I was coming off of an injury from the Disney Half Marathon in January and I had to sit it out. So, I am hoping this is my time and I can break my best half marathon time of 2 hours and 21 minutes. I like that I am writing my 10th blog post the same week I ran my first double digit run of 10 miles (for this journey anyway). I also joined Twitter for the first time this week as I am trying to spread the word about my blog and story and learn more from a greater running community (@HubRunLive). It will mean so much more to me if I know this blog has reached someone that can connect with my story and feel comfort that they are not alone.
As I sign off, it always bears repeating that I have the best support at my home base. I did not want Bob to bring Megan out to the Hot Chocolate race as it was too cold and the parking was atrocious. So, I came home to this. Bob took Megan on a date to Waffle House that morning and they stopped to pick up some flowers. Megan told him that she wanted to get me some daffodils. She also picked out the pink plant too, which she will be glad to tell you is her very favorite color. Thank God for my home base!
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Thought 9: And the beat goes on . . .
Since I was probably about 9 years old, or younger, I had a secret childhood ritual. I would love to know if my mom ever knew or saw me doing this. When I thought I was alone in my room or I thought I had the house to myself, I would crank up the radio or put on a record (yes, a record) and pretend I was performing on a stage. Our house always had a good space for it. I would sing at the top of my lungs and make up dance routines. I was in heaven. I even sang a special duet with Phil Collins to "Separate Lives" with my 45 record turned up as loud as I could get it. It was quite a performance!
Music has always held a special part of my life. I grew up on a lot of bluegrass, folk and country music with my parents, which has definitely had a strong influence on my preferences as an adult. My dad was always insistent that we listen to his music growing up, like Arlo Guthrie, Johnny Cash, and Jim Croce to name a few. I fought him at the time, but I am so grateful now. My mom loved country music and whenever I hear bands like the Oak Ridge Boys, Alabama, or even Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton, I am taken straight back to sitting in the back seat of a station wagon. My mom and I LOVED to blast the music as we sang and danced it out in the car. As I grew up, she was so tolerant to listen to my favorite band of the week. My parents took me to my first concert when I was in 6th grade, which was Stevie Wonder and Huey Lewis and the News the following year. Live music was introduced to me early on and I continue to have a great appreciation for it today.
I love all kinds of music and enjoy learning about new artists. One of my greatest loves has always been musicals. I saw my first Broadway shows - Annie and Peter Pan - on our family trip to New York City when I was five years old. My parents took me to see Annie again when I was a little older at a dinner theatre in Winter Park, FL. I cried through a lot of it because I wanted to be on stage. My dad and I have always had a special tradition of taking father-daughter trips to NYC together, starting when I was in 7th grade. I went on a business trip with him the first time, but most of the trips we just went on our own. My dad instilled in me a love of theatre. We would see three or four shows each time we would go. Sometimes when I see the time turning to the eight o'clock hour, I think about all the curtains going up together.
In the picture above, I was traveling on business in NYC and decided to go buy a single ticket to see Wicked. I was able to get a 3rd row center seat! I was so moved by the show and the music. It hit a special place in my heart with some of the things I was going through at the time. This is what music does to me. It takes me to such an emotional place and can raise me up and motivate me in so many ways. It gives me a connection to people, places, and times that I find so comforting.
When I hear Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys, I laugh and smile and immediately think of my childhood.
When I hear Ice, Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice, I am taken to the night my best friend Alison and I rode around in my new car shouting out the window, "It's a new car!"
When I hear Farthest Shore by David Wilcox, one of my favorite songs, I feel inspired and motivated and think of times that song pushed me to stay positive in moments that were so, so hard.
When I hear When We Dance by Sting, I think of slow dancing with Bob in college.
When I hear For the First Time by Kenny Loggins, I think of our first dance at our wedding.
When I hear Gailileo by the Indigo Girls, I think of my college roommate and how we almost broke our stereo playing this song on repeat.
When I hear Lessons Learned by Carrie Underwood, I think of the little pink iPod that Bob and my mom bought me while I was in the hospital for a 5-week stay and that nothing comforted me more as I pulled the covers over my head and pretended I was somewhere else.
When I hear Once in a Lifetime by Keith Urban, I think of a time when Bob and I realized we were going to be ok.
When I hear Jump Right In by the Zac Brown Band, I think of vacation.
When I hear Sing Me To Heaven, I think of my Bob and his Furman Singers and how much he has taught me about sacred music.
When I hear You'll be in my Heart by Phil Collins, I think of my mom as this was always our song.
When I hear Five Days Old by the Laurie Berkner Band, I will always think of my sweet Megan and her daddy and the amazing days we share together as a family.
And when I hear Music Box Dancer by Frank Mills, I think of my 45 record and my life as an inspiring five-year-old ballerina.
I feel like I could do this forever and I have not even touched on my favorite music. The fun started with making mix tapes - remember how frustrating it was when you reached the end of side A and it cut off the song? I still love making mixes and it is so effortless now. Bob and I have a playlist we have created for every race we have run. We have used a lot of the same old favorites and have had fun finding new inspiration along the way. Music is such a driving force for me when I run and can motivate me so quickly when just the right song comes along at just the right moment. Here are a list of some of my favorites (in no particular order) that will be playing me down the road in the Hot Chocolate 15K on Sunday. Hopefully I won't need more than 1 hour and 35-40 minutes worth!
We Weren't Born to Follow - Bon Jovi
The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani
Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson
Stronger - Kanye West
Numb - Linkin Park
Lose Yourself - Eminem
Crazy In Love - Beyonce & Jay-Z
Let's Get It Started - Black Eyed Peas
Let It Rock - Kevin Rudolf & Lil Wayne
Let It Go - Zac Brown Band
Home - Dierks Bentley
Defying Gravity - Kristin Chenoweth & Idina Menzel from Wicked
Hey, Soul Sister - Train
Hearts On Fire - John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band (Anything from Rocky IV Soundtrack)
Rudy Soundtrack
Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz
Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Tears For Fears
Everybody Talks - Neon Trees
Low - Flo Rida (you read it right!)
Even If It Breaks Your Heart - Eli Young Band
The Edge of Glory - Lady GaGa
Drive By - Train
All Your Life - The Band Perry
Roar - Katy Perry
Gone, Gone, Gone - Philip Phillips
Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons
Ain't No Mountain High Enough - Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
Wake Me Up - Aloe Blacc
Let It Go - Idina Menzel from Frozen
The Rising - Bruce Springsteen
I am in desperate need for new music, so any suggestions out there are welcomed! I will continue to build my list as the year continues and the marathon draws closer. I will return to the theme of music and the impact of certain songs on my life as the blog continues. It is hard to emphasize enough how important music is to my life. I have been surrounded by extremely talented singers and musicians for my whole adult life, starting at Furman University with almost all of my friends (including my Bob who has a beautiful voice) and continuing with friends I have met along the way. I even worked for a few years for the Detroit Symphony Orchestra! What I lack in talent, I make up for in appreciation. A good song, whether new or an old favorite can bring a smile or tear to my face faster than almost anything. It's almost like a good friend, and on many days, music has been just that to me.
In the picture above, I was traveling on business in NYC and decided to go buy a single ticket to see Wicked. I was able to get a 3rd row center seat! I was so moved by the show and the music. It hit a special place in my heart with some of the things I was going through at the time. This is what music does to me. It takes me to such an emotional place and can raise me up and motivate me in so many ways. It gives me a connection to people, places, and times that I find so comforting.
When I hear Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys, I laugh and smile and immediately think of my childhood.
When I hear Ice, Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice, I am taken to the night my best friend Alison and I rode around in my new car shouting out the window, "It's a new car!"
When I hear Farthest Shore by David Wilcox, one of my favorite songs, I feel inspired and motivated and think of times that song pushed me to stay positive in moments that were so, so hard.
When I hear When We Dance by Sting, I think of slow dancing with Bob in college.
When I hear For the First Time by Kenny Loggins, I think of our first dance at our wedding.
When I hear Gailileo by the Indigo Girls, I think of my college roommate and how we almost broke our stereo playing this song on repeat.
When I hear Lessons Learned by Carrie Underwood, I think of the little pink iPod that Bob and my mom bought me while I was in the hospital for a 5-week stay and that nothing comforted me more as I pulled the covers over my head and pretended I was somewhere else.
When I hear Once in a Lifetime by Keith Urban, I think of a time when Bob and I realized we were going to be ok.
When I hear Jump Right In by the Zac Brown Band, I think of vacation.
When I hear Sing Me To Heaven, I think of my Bob and his Furman Singers and how much he has taught me about sacred music.
When I hear You'll be in my Heart by Phil Collins, I think of my mom as this was always our song.
When I hear Five Days Old by the Laurie Berkner Band, I will always think of my sweet Megan and her daddy and the amazing days we share together as a family.
And when I hear Music Box Dancer by Frank Mills, I think of my 45 record and my life as an inspiring five-year-old ballerina.
I feel like I could do this forever and I have not even touched on my favorite music. The fun started with making mix tapes - remember how frustrating it was when you reached the end of side A and it cut off the song? I still love making mixes and it is so effortless now. Bob and I have a playlist we have created for every race we have run. We have used a lot of the same old favorites and have had fun finding new inspiration along the way. Music is such a driving force for me when I run and can motivate me so quickly when just the right song comes along at just the right moment. Here are a list of some of my favorites (in no particular order) that will be playing me down the road in the Hot Chocolate 15K on Sunday. Hopefully I won't need more than 1 hour and 35-40 minutes worth!
We Weren't Born to Follow - Bon Jovi
The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani
Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson
Stronger - Kanye West
Numb - Linkin Park
Lose Yourself - Eminem
Crazy In Love - Beyonce & Jay-Z
Let's Get It Started - Black Eyed Peas
Let It Rock - Kevin Rudolf & Lil Wayne
Let It Go - Zac Brown Band
Home - Dierks Bentley
Defying Gravity - Kristin Chenoweth & Idina Menzel from Wicked
Hey, Soul Sister - Train
Hearts On Fire - John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band (Anything from Rocky IV Soundtrack)
Rudy Soundtrack
Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz
Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Tears For Fears
Everybody Talks - Neon Trees
Low - Flo Rida (you read it right!)
Even If It Breaks Your Heart - Eli Young Band
The Edge of Glory - Lady GaGa
Drive By - Train
All Your Life - The Band Perry
Roar - Katy Perry
Gone, Gone, Gone - Philip Phillips
Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons
Ain't No Mountain High Enough - Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
Wake Me Up - Aloe Blacc
Let It Go - Idina Menzel from Frozen
The Rising - Bruce Springsteen
I am in desperate need for new music, so any suggestions out there are welcomed! I will continue to build my list as the year continues and the marathon draws closer. I will return to the theme of music and the impact of certain songs on my life as the blog continues. It is hard to emphasize enough how important music is to my life. I have been surrounded by extremely talented singers and musicians for my whole adult life, starting at Furman University with almost all of my friends (including my Bob who has a beautiful voice) and continuing with friends I have met along the way. I even worked for a few years for the Detroit Symphony Orchestra! What I lack in talent, I make up for in appreciation. A good song, whether new or an old favorite can bring a smile or tear to my face faster than almost anything. It's almost like a good friend, and on many days, music has been just that to me.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Thought 8: Giddy up . . .
My mom was the all star, best room mother every year I was in school. She loved the holidays more than anyone and could throw the best parties. She was famous for wearing this bunny costume starting in my preschool years and every Easter season afterwards throughout her life. She even showed up at my Catholic school for the Easter party when I was about 8 years old wearing this costume. She was greeted by one of the nuns who told her that her costume was "highly inappropriate." Not much you can do while standing alone dressed as a pink bunny!
The new year is here and I feel like I need to get back in gear! It was a busy and fun holiday season and I did not leave a lot of time for writing. I have 32 more blogs to write and 39 more weeks until the Chicago Marathon. So, I will start publishing a blog on every Friday morning, knowing there will be a week here and there when I will need more time. I work much better with deadlines. I will continue to work through different parts of my story and issues that affect me both past and present. However, I do want to lighten it up some as well. I'm actually not a very serious person! My hope is that this blog will not only give me the chance to learn more about myself and let some of my past go, but it will also touch someone else either through their running journey, personal journey, or maybe even both.
A little update on my running . . . I am taking on the Atlanta Hot Chocolate 15K (9.2 miles) on January 26 and I am really excited. I would not be trying this without the encouragement of my dear friend Allison. Thank you! I have had some great long runs over the past few weeks and have even completed the 9.2 recently in 20 degree weather. Brrr! I also discovered over the holidays that I actually do enjoy running with another person thanks to my sister-in-law Tiffiny, who gives me so much inspiration and confidence. We ran a hilly 8 miles and talked the entire time. I didn't even notice that I wasn't taking walking breaks except to get some water every 2 miles. My time with my "coach" was invaluable to me and a big milestone in my running journey. I am going to start looking into a running group for when my weekend long runs start getting longer in April. My knee and lat band have started to give me some trouble so I bought a foam roller, as demonstrated by my favorite princess above. It has really helped me to stretch out the troubled areas and keep me going.
When I thought about new year's resolutions, I thought of the obvious. I want to stick to my running goals (just hoping and praying my body stays injury free). I want to cook more for my family and do better at encouraging my daughter to eat more of a variety of foods. I want more family time with Bob and Megan and make things like my phone and television a much smaller part of my day. All of these things are important. But, I want these to be year round goals and not just something I talk about at the start of the year.
Here is what it comes down to . . . I want to gallop more. Megan does a lot more galloping than walking and she always has a smile on her face. Maybe that's one of life secrets, we should do more galloping, skipping, hopping, and twirling. I am one that has always taken life too seriously and worried way too much. I think it has gotten worse over the years, especially in recent years. Maybe the missing piece is knowing when I need to gallop.
At the start of the year, I noticed a lot of people on social media picking a theme word for 2014 instead of formal resolutions. I like it and have jumped on the bandwagon. A dear friend of mine inspired me in the end and I love the idea of taking on a theme and incorporating it throughout all parts of my life. So, my word for 2014 is . . . . patience. I really want to be a more patient person about so many things, but most especially with myself. I put way too much pressure on myself, maybe even more so since my health has improved. I want to be a more patient mother and take a deep breath in the same way I try to teach my three-year-old as she learns to manage her emotions. There are so many things I want to do at home, professionally, in my community and beyond and I sometimes feel like I am catching up for lost time. Patience Susie, patience. I want to be more present in my life and take in the moments that are in front of me. I will explore this more as the weeks continue, but I just wanted to share my word for 2014 with everyone and I will let you know how it goes.
So, thanks for tuning in as I get this blog off the ground. It has been so good for me to start writing again. I come from a family of good writers and I like using this medium to share my thoughts and experiences. I do not plan on writing or thinking too far ahead. There are things I want to share with you, but I also want this to be about a journey and the thoughts and feelings that come up as the year unfolds. I will work hard not to take things too seriously and gallop as much as I can along the way. Giddy up 2014!
When I thought about new year's resolutions, I thought of the obvious. I want to stick to my running goals (just hoping and praying my body stays injury free). I want to cook more for my family and do better at encouraging my daughter to eat more of a variety of foods. I want more family time with Bob and Megan and make things like my phone and television a much smaller part of my day. All of these things are important. But, I want these to be year round goals and not just something I talk about at the start of the year.
Here is what it comes down to . . . I want to gallop more. Megan does a lot more galloping than walking and she always has a smile on her face. Maybe that's one of life secrets, we should do more galloping, skipping, hopping, and twirling. I am one that has always taken life too seriously and worried way too much. I think it has gotten worse over the years, especially in recent years. Maybe the missing piece is knowing when I need to gallop.
At the start of the year, I noticed a lot of people on social media picking a theme word for 2014 instead of formal resolutions. I like it and have jumped on the bandwagon. A dear friend of mine inspired me in the end and I love the idea of taking on a theme and incorporating it throughout all parts of my life. So, my word for 2014 is . . . . patience. I really want to be a more patient person about so many things, but most especially with myself. I put way too much pressure on myself, maybe even more so since my health has improved. I want to be a more patient mother and take a deep breath in the same way I try to teach my three-year-old as she learns to manage her emotions. There are so many things I want to do at home, professionally, in my community and beyond and I sometimes feel like I am catching up for lost time. Patience Susie, patience. I want to be more present in my life and take in the moments that are in front of me. I will explore this more as the weeks continue, but I just wanted to share my word for 2014 with everyone and I will let you know how it goes.
So, thanks for tuning in as I get this blog off the ground. It has been so good for me to start writing again. I come from a family of good writers and I like using this medium to share my thoughts and experiences. I do not plan on writing or thinking too far ahead. There are things I want to share with you, but I also want this to be about a journey and the thoughts and feelings that come up as the year unfolds. I will work hard not to take things too seriously and gallop as much as I can along the way. Giddy up 2014!
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Thought 7: A ring on a finger . . .
As a seven-year-old girl, my life pretty much centered around 2nd grade at St. Teresa Catholic School, playing with my friends, dance class, swimming, Brownies, and keeping up with my older brothers. My parents hung the moon in my eyes (and still do). I loved playing with dolls and riding my bike around my neighborhood. Erica and Laura were my two best friends and playing at their houses was heaven for me. I always cried when I had to go home. Toys are always cooler at someone else's house. I was blessed to have a very innocent and carefree childhood.
Sometimes he has had to be strong enough for the both of us, and sometimes that meant he wore a ring on his pinky finger.
Today I have the honor of celebrating 16 years of marriage to the love of my life and my very best friend. There are not words to describe how much I love my Bob and the blessings he has brought to my life. I believe with all of my heart that I would not be here without him. He loves me unconditionally and has never wavered in his loyalty and support. I could not be more proud of him as a husband, father, son, brother, uncle, friend, and professional. He is a great man. His heart is full for his family and friends and there is nothing he would not do for them. I am so honored to be a Hubbard and be his wife.
Bob and I met in 1994 during the spring of our freshman year at Furman University. We did not start becoming good friends until the following spring. After a spring and summer of flirtation and a growing friendship, we started dating in September 1995. I knew I had found something special in Bob, but little did I know that God was sending me my greatest gift.
On July 24, 1997, I had an engagement ring put on my finger and I said yes to my sweetie when he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. We were both 22 years old and less than two months out of college. We were babies, but we were crazy in love and knew we wanted to take our next steps in life together. Bob asked me to marry him the same day he moved to Tallahassee to start a PhD program in Chemistry at Florida State (now there is a story). We were not sure what the future would hold, but we just knew we wanted to do it together. So, the ring was now on my finger.
Sometimes he has had to be strong enough for the both of us, and sometimes that meant he wore a ring on his pinky finger.
Today I have the honor of celebrating 16 years of marriage to the love of my life and my very best friend. There are not words to describe how much I love my Bob and the blessings he has brought to my life. I believe with all of my heart that I would not be here without him. He loves me unconditionally and has never wavered in his loyalty and support. I could not be more proud of him as a husband, father, son, brother, uncle, friend, and professional. He is a great man. His heart is full for his family and friends and there is nothing he would not do for them. I am so honored to be a Hubbard and be his wife.
Bob and I met in 1994 during the spring of our freshman year at Furman University. We did not start becoming good friends until the following spring. After a spring and summer of flirtation and a growing friendship, we started dating in September 1995. I knew I had found something special in Bob, but little did I know that God was sending me my greatest gift.
On July 24, 1997, I had an engagement ring put on my finger and I said yes to my sweetie when he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. We were both 22 years old and less than two months out of college. We were babies, but we were crazy in love and knew we wanted to take our next steps in life together. Bob asked me to marry him the same day he moved to Tallahassee to start a PhD program in Chemistry at Florida State (now there is a story). We were not sure what the future would hold, but we just knew we wanted to do it together. So, the ring was now on my finger.
Less than 6 months later, on December 27, 1997, we were at the altar of the First Presbyterian Church in downtown Tallahassee saying our vows and promising to love and support each other forever in front of all of our family and friends . . . in sickness or in health. We exchanged rings and understood what they symbolized. Looking back, I don't think the promises and vows made on that special day can be truly understood until they are lived, until they are tested. It was less than two months into our newlywed days that our world changed forever.
In February 1998, I started exhibiting my first symptoms of Crohn's Disease. We didn't know until about three years later that this was my diagnosis, but it was a rough ride getting there and an even rougher ride afterwards. I was just so sick. Bob was there. I didn't always know why I didn't feel good. He was there. In the midst of these early years, I decided to pursue my Masters in Social Work, and after a great deal of looking around at programs and Bob soul searching on what he really wanted to do with his life (not Chemistry), we decided to take my acceptance to the University of Michigan (Go Blue!) and move to Ann Arbor. Bob was supportive all along the way - a life changing move for both of us in almost every way.
The health problems only became worse as the months and years continued. While earning my Masters degree, we traveled with my parents to Rochester, Minnesota so I could get evaluated at the Mayo Clinic in hopes of finding out why I was so sick. Bob held my hand the whole time, through every test and every doctor consultation. I did not have my first surgery until June 2001 when Bob and I decided that we needed a new treatment plan. There was not a medication or treatment that was slowing the progression of my Crohn's Disease. Through it all, Bob was there.
If you have had any kind of medical procedure you know you are not allowed to wear any jewelry. I had never taken my wedding ring off for anything. At my most vulnerable moment, I had to let go and remove it. Instead of putting it in my purse or putting it in his pocket, Bob put my rings on his pinky finger (I have thin fingers like my dad). This became a tradition for him. Surgery after surgery (over 20 times over), I handed my rings over to Bob before they wheeled me away and he put them on his pinky and waited for me. This always provided me with a lot of comfort. It wasn't about the monetary value. It was about knowing that I was with him.
I have struggled with the pain and stress my health challenges have caused Bob over many, many years. The time we lost. Always knowing he didn't bargain for this. Your twenties are supposed to be a carefree time, right? Not for everyone I have learned and I now know we were not alone. It was a terribly difficult time, but we don't choose to look at it that way. We have had a lot of fun over the years and would never let these challenges define our lives. The strength that we exhibited as a team is what makes us such a special love story today. We lived our vows and the promises we made to each other that cold and windy December day. We still do and it means so much more now. You could say we are lucky to have such a strong and healthy marriage and we would agree. However, we worked and fought very hard for it too. We have stood together and sometimes for each other. We now stand together as a family with our beautiful daughter and could not feel more complete. I hear God telling me every day, "You are going to have to go through this, but I am going to give you this."
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Thought 6: It's all in my head . . .
When I was six years old, my family moved temporarily from Titusville, Florida to Tallahassee while my dad served as Special Counsel to then Governor Bob Graham. I was in the first grade and had the chance to take a break from catholic school and school uniforms and move to this new "big" city. I remember missing my friends dearly but it all went by pretty fast. Little did I know that on August 14, 1986 when I was 11 years old, Tallahassee would become a permanent move for our family as my dad started a new law firm. Little did I also know that, although we would miss our friends and life in the only town my brothers and I had ever known, it would be the best move our family could have possibly made - one of those decisions that most likely changed the trajectory of my life.
Do you ever find that your head just gets in the way? Whether I am trying to motivate myself or rise up to a challenge or just make a simple decision, I just over think things. I also feel very deeply about people and ideas. While I believe these are strengths, it sure does make life difficult sometimes. I am also a world class worrier, but that is probably a topic all on its own. I do have a problem of letting my mind get in the way of my actions, whether I am thinking, feeling, or worrying, and most likely all of the above. This could apply to a lot areas of my life, as many of my loved ones would probably tell you. But lately I have found it is particularly relevant to my running.
I was sitting in my car one morning after I dropped Megan off at preschool. I do my short runs on the two days she is in school each week. It was a particularly yucky day as it was rainy and cold and the wind was picking up. Let's just say I really didn't want to get out of the car. Now that the colder weather has officially arrived, I find it harder (like most people) to get motivated. My mind goes to hot chocolate and a good book in a cafe - or, better yet, snuggling under my favorite green blanket in front of our lit Christmas tree. It takes a lot of effort to put on the layers, fleece headband, and sometimes, the running gloves. But, like I have said before, I never regret it once I start.
A good friend and veteran runner told me some wise words recently: "When running, your mind will always quit before your body." I guess they call this a runner's wall. I do walk some when I run, mainly on my long weekend runs and it is at regular intervals. I am currently running seven minutes and walking one. I hope to continue to increase this interval to one mile of running and one minute of walking. I find it motivating and sustaining to know I have a short break coming up. But maybe this is a mind game. It has worked for me in my training, and as my strength and endurance increases, so does the length between my breaks. There is nothing wrong with walking and this is a strategy that works for a lot of people, including me. I just want to walk when I planned it, not when my mind thinks I need it.
As excited as I am about this journey, sometimes I just don't want to lace up the shoes. I have days when my mind just wants to walk. My blood pressure is fine and I am not out of breath, but I just get tired. This is a struggle for me. My mind thinks it needs more rest and my body sometimes listens. I think training for a race, regardless of the distance, is not just training your body to run farther and faster. It is about training your mind and body to work together and be more in sync. I know what I am capable of and my mind just needs to work with my body better to make it happen. Is it a confidence issue? Probably. Is it fatigue? Sometimes. Either way, I will continue to use my training time over the next 11 months to make my mind and body work more as a team.
On one hand, my mind does take over on occasion and convinces my body to just slow down. On the other hand, my mind is what jump started me on this journey in the first place. I would not have committed to this blog, to this training time, and most certainly to a marathon, without it starting as a goal in my head. I would not have gotten out of the car that morning without my strength and motivation to keep this commitment to myself. When I think about my past and struggles I have faced, I would not be standing here if I did not know both in my mind and heart that I could keep going. It has actually taken me a long time to trust my body again - to feel like I would be ok physically - despite what might happen in the future. It is very difficult for me to say that out loud in fear of jinxing my good fortune once again.
In looking back over my life experiences, both positive and negative, I have come to a greater understanding of the mind-body connection. They don't function well if they are not working together. This is a constant challenge and does need training, whether you are talking about a marathon, a life challenge, or maybe even getting out of bed in the morning. My mom always told me that I am too hard on myself. Although I will always be working on this as a heavy thinker and worrier, I have found that having confidence in yourself and finding humor in any situation are your best weapons. If I can pair these assets with making my body as strong as it can be, I know I can get through most anything - even a marathon.
I guess I better stop here and go let both my mind and body go. It will be time to lace up again soon!
Do you ever find that your head just gets in the way? Whether I am trying to motivate myself or rise up to a challenge or just make a simple decision, I just over think things. I also feel very deeply about people and ideas. While I believe these are strengths, it sure does make life difficult sometimes. I am also a world class worrier, but that is probably a topic all on its own. I do have a problem of letting my mind get in the way of my actions, whether I am thinking, feeling, or worrying, and most likely all of the above. This could apply to a lot areas of my life, as many of my loved ones would probably tell you. But lately I have found it is particularly relevant to my running.
I was sitting in my car one morning after I dropped Megan off at preschool. I do my short runs on the two days she is in school each week. It was a particularly yucky day as it was rainy and cold and the wind was picking up. Let's just say I really didn't want to get out of the car. Now that the colder weather has officially arrived, I find it harder (like most people) to get motivated. My mind goes to hot chocolate and a good book in a cafe - or, better yet, snuggling under my favorite green blanket in front of our lit Christmas tree. It takes a lot of effort to put on the layers, fleece headband, and sometimes, the running gloves. But, like I have said before, I never regret it once I start.
A good friend and veteran runner told me some wise words recently: "When running, your mind will always quit before your body." I guess they call this a runner's wall. I do walk some when I run, mainly on my long weekend runs and it is at regular intervals. I am currently running seven minutes and walking one. I hope to continue to increase this interval to one mile of running and one minute of walking. I find it motivating and sustaining to know I have a short break coming up. But maybe this is a mind game. It has worked for me in my training, and as my strength and endurance increases, so does the length between my breaks. There is nothing wrong with walking and this is a strategy that works for a lot of people, including me. I just want to walk when I planned it, not when my mind thinks I need it.
As excited as I am about this journey, sometimes I just don't want to lace up the shoes. I have days when my mind just wants to walk. My blood pressure is fine and I am not out of breath, but I just get tired. This is a struggle for me. My mind thinks it needs more rest and my body sometimes listens. I think training for a race, regardless of the distance, is not just training your body to run farther and faster. It is about training your mind and body to work together and be more in sync. I know what I am capable of and my mind just needs to work with my body better to make it happen. Is it a confidence issue? Probably. Is it fatigue? Sometimes. Either way, I will continue to use my training time over the next 11 months to make my mind and body work more as a team.
On one hand, my mind does take over on occasion and convinces my body to just slow down. On the other hand, my mind is what jump started me on this journey in the first place. I would not have committed to this blog, to this training time, and most certainly to a marathon, without it starting as a goal in my head. I would not have gotten out of the car that morning without my strength and motivation to keep this commitment to myself. When I think about my past and struggles I have faced, I would not be standing here if I did not know both in my mind and heart that I could keep going. It has actually taken me a long time to trust my body again - to feel like I would be ok physically - despite what might happen in the future. It is very difficult for me to say that out loud in fear of jinxing my good fortune once again.
In looking back over my life experiences, both positive and negative, I have come to a greater understanding of the mind-body connection. They don't function well if they are not working together. This is a constant challenge and does need training, whether you are talking about a marathon, a life challenge, or maybe even getting out of bed in the morning. My mom always told me that I am too hard on myself. Although I will always be working on this as a heavy thinker and worrier, I have found that having confidence in yourself and finding humor in any situation are your best weapons. If I can pair these assets with making my body as strong as it can be, I know I can get through most anything - even a marathon.
I guess I better stop here and go let both my mind and body go. It will be time to lace up again soon!
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