Thought 34: A case of the butterflies . . .

In looking back at my 34th year, I was trying to think about what happened. After figuring out what year it was at that age, I came to a halt. I was 34 years old when my mom passed away. I never saw that coming in 2009, or at least my denial didn't let me see it. I have already talked about losing my mom in past blogs and I won't repeat that here. I just miss her like crazy. We used to talk every day on the phone, sometimes multiple times. She still has an entry in my phone and I still have one voicemail saved. I was driving home last night and almost reached for my phone to call her. It still feels like a natural thing to do. I just miss her and would give anything to talk to her. October 4 is her birthday and I will smile thinking of her and enjoying what I hope will be a beautiful Fall day. Happy Birthday Mom. I love you. 

I should have run 8 miles today - my last long run. But Mother Nature decided to interrupt my plans and bring on a rain storm. I could have gone inside and run it on a treadmill, but I am not doing my last long run in a gym. I love running outside too much. So, it looks like my last 8 mile run will be in Clemson, SC, where we will be this weekend for our favorite Fall family tradition . . .  football. Go Tigers! I have run many miles in Clemson throughout this journey, so it will be a beautiful place to take on these last few training strides.

All of a sudden this week I started getting really nervous about the marathon. I just feel sick to my stomach. It has hit me like a train. I am so excited about the experience, but I just can't seem to shake my nerves. Will I really be able to finish? Have I prepared enough? Will I forget to bring something with me? Will I wake up in time? I know it will all be fine, but I feel like I am about to take a big exam and worry that I didn't study enough. I know some of it comes from fatigue, but my mind, body, and spirit are starting to take in the significance of this moment for me. I have been training for something for over two years now, which is a lot of running and commitment for someone who never initially saw herself as a runner. I have been committed to this marathon goal for over a year and I can't believe the time is almost here.

When it comes down to it, this is not about running for me. It's not about a medal. It's about showing myself that I am strong enough and can do anything I want as long as I put in the work. It's about showing myself that I am ok. I can trust my body again, even if more hiccups come my way. I don't need to be scared anymore. I can say out loud that I am healthy and I will be ok no matter what else comes my way. I will not jinx myself. It's time to move forward with confidence and without fear. It's about sharing my story and touching the lives of others. It's about hope.

I am a competitive person and classically put too much pressure on myself. I have had multiple people tell me not to worry about my time and that just finishing the race is the victory. I know all of this and I am trying to let go of any expectations I have for myself. I'm sure once I am out there I will know that I can do what I can do. My goal over the next week is to stay healthy, enjoy my last few short runs, love my family, eat some good food, HYDRATE, and not over pack (I am a classic over packer). There is not a whole lot I can do about the nerves, but I can channel that energy into fuel and excitement.

This time next week I will be in Chicago. I am so excited I will have my Bob, Bob's parents, and my Dad and his friend Nina waiting for me when I get there. I am also thrilled we get to stay with my favorite "lady" Marnie, who has literally known me my whole life. Not that I needed the reminder, but I am certainly blessed with the most amazing family and friends, from all parts of my life.  I guess we all need the reminder.

So, I have come down with a case of the butterflies. It's nothing serious, but it sure won't help me be a better packer.