Thought 28: A symbol of hope . . .

By the time I turned 28 years old, Bob and I had bought our first house and were enjoying all the wonderful things about living in Ann Arbor, Michigan. We survived the long and cold winters and soaked up the beautiful days that came with summer and fall in the Midwest. We had made wonderful friends in the community who were like family to us, especially living so far from our own. I continued to struggle with my health issues and the details of this time are so fuzzy to me. I know I had at least three surgeries in 2002, but the story behind each is escaping me. These were just tough years. Sometimes the words are just not there. 

My mom loved daisies. She always told me that they brought her so much hope just by looking at them. I started sending her a bouquet of daisies every month. One month I changed it up and sent her a cake with a huge daisy painted on it from our favorite Zingermans bakehouse in Ann Arbor. It is our flower together and a way for me to feel connected since losing her. I have even had a vase of daisies at each of Megan's birthday parities and always take a couple of stems to her grave site when I am in Tallahassee. They are a symbol of hope for me as I move forward and find my way here on Earth without her.

The anniversary of losing someone is marked differently by everyone. I had someone ask me recently for advice on what to do for a loved one that was approaching a difficult anniversary. I have no advice to give here unfortunately because what I would want or need is not what other people might need. Some people want the hugs and cards and reaching out. While others just need some space. I think it is a very private time, as are many anniversaries that come along in life. Today (Monday, July 28) is 5 years since my mom passed away. I happened to be in Tallahassee with my dad, which gave me the opportunity to share some daisies with her. I find the more I try not to think about July 28, the more I think about it and the harder it becomes. So, every year, I stop fighting and just let myself feel what I need to feel. 

I will never share the details of that last day here in order to protect her privacy and that of my family. I will say it was not something any of us were expecting that day and it was the worst day of my life. I do not have a lot to say about it, except that I miss her terribly. I still look around and think, "where in the world is my mom?" I stare at her headstone and her name and still just wonder how this can all be real. Anniversaries and holidays are difficult for most anyone that has experienced losing someone. I miss my mom so much on the first day of fall - this was her favorite day of the year. I also miss her tremendously at Christmas time, as I have never known anyone that loved that time more. I miss her every day. My mom embodied the word family and centered her life around it. 

So, that is all I have to say about that. I think it is time to crank up the music in the car like we used to, and dance all the way to the store to buy a bouquet of daisies for myself. I love you mom. 

Thought 27: Not just your average month . . .

In 2001, the year I turned 27 years old, I started my first job out of graduate school with the Washtenaw County Prosecuting Attorney's Office. Bob already worked for the county in Human Resources, so it was nice to be part of the same organization. I was hired to start a youth mentoring program for the kids coming through the Juvenile Diversion and Restoration program. The program would be a part of a greater mentoring initiative through the Michigan Governor's Office. I remember showing up for my first day and being shown my office. It was my first private office, which I was excited about, but all I had to get started was some files and a volunteer training PowerPoint. It was a great experience learning to grow a program from scratch and market it throughout the community. I even mentored a young girl myself, who was in 8th grade when I met her, and who I still keep in touch with today. Never underestimate the impact you can make on the life of any child with the gift of your time and love. 

When I think back on my over 14 years of battling health issues, the details and chronology is not super clear. The feelings it left behind are strong, but the actual account of what happened and in what order is sketchy to me. I dislike filling out medical forms for multiple reasons, but the question about past surgeries and the two or three lines they leave to answer it is always a treat. I don't even bother trying to answer it and usually say 20+ surgeries starting in June 2001 (averaged about 3 a year). I just lost count after a while. Part of this journey for me is being able to make peace with that time of my life. I can't "say goodbye" or "let it go" because it will always be a part of who I am and a part of my story. But it is time to make peace with it by sharing it and knowing that I would not be me without having experienced it. 

This is a picture of me after being on about 80mg of Prednisone over an extended period of time. I have discarded most of the pictures from this time of my life because it is so painful for me to look at them. This is what I looked like for a majority of the 2-3 years leading up to June 2001 and my first surgery. It's time to own this time of my life and just talk about it. Predisone is the only thing that gave me any relief from my Crohn's Disease, but it doesn't really help with symptoms, it just masks them. I was on and off of it for many years as my doctors worked so hard to keep my symptoms under control. Anyone who has taken this drug at all understands - increased appetite, swelling of face and body, insomnia. Lots of fun! As an added bonus, I now have significant bone loss from it. I remember when we lived with my parents a month before we moved to Michigan and I just stayed up a lot of nights scrapbooking on the dining room table. It made me feel uncomfortable both inside and out and my family and I reached a point when other options had to be explored. 

After meeting with several surgeons in Southeast Michigan, Bob and I found Dr. J. I clearly remember meeting with him in his office as he outlined our three surgical options. I knew about illeostomies since my dad had one and the thought of it just terrified me. So, we decided to try the least invasive option, which included a removal of my entire large intestine and reconnecting everything inside. The surgery was scheduled for June 2001. I can look back now and wonder, if I had gone ahead and had a permanent illeostomy put in, could I have avoided all of those years of pain? Maybe. But, I can't look back and say "what if" because I think my life is exactly where it should be now. 

In early June 2001, I went in the hospital to have the surgery done. Outside of having my wisdom teeth removed, this was my first surgery. If they removed the sick part of me, life should just get better. The surgery went well, and after a couple of days in the hospital, I was able to go home. My parents and Bob's parents were there, and my brother Mike and wife Cynthia flew up and surprised me after I was in recovery. I was feeling good. While this was happening, we had other things going on in our family. My "Graney" (dad's mom) was in failing health and declining quickly. She ended up passing away after I got home from the hospital. In addition, Bob's Aunt Virginia (mom's sister) passed away around the same time (again, the sequence of events is failing me). Bob flew to Maryland to be with his family for her funeral. I really wanted to be with him. I was determined to get down to Florida for my Graney's funeral, my last living grandparent, despite some pain I was having in my abdomen. I talked with Dr. J and he thought it would be fine as long as the pain went away or didn't get worse. I was so naive. I was determined to go even though everyone around me was hesitant.  Bob made it back from Maryland and we flew down with my mom to join the rest of my family. 

It was a really hard month already, but the pain was getting worse. I was almost afraid to say anything or admit how bad it was really getting. It was a very sharp, intense pain - still the worst physical pain I have ever felt to date. I had to hold on to the wall in the hotel to walk and just did my best to get through those four days. Looking back, I wonder why I didn't go to a doctor sooner. I was trying to get through the funeral and get back to Michigan. My mom flew back to Michigan with Bob and I so she could make sure I was ok. I was in the worst pain of my life on that airplane, and with my luck, I had a young kid behind me kicking my seat and playing a travel version of Hungry Hungry Hippo. I vow to never buy that horrible game for anyone else and will not be happy if it is gifted to my daughter. It's somewhat funny to think about now, but I can promise you it was a terrible time then. My mom was a true "mama bear" as it took a lot for me to get her to stay in her seat and not rip the game out of the kids hands. 

We all knew something was wrong, but I was hoping I would do better just getting home and resting. As we were leaving the airport, I had to pull over and get sick on the side of the road. Bob immediately took me back to the hospital. Dr. J told me to go straight to the emergency room and he would try and reduce my wait time. I don't remember how long we waited, but I know it was at least a couple of hours and I had a very hard time sitting still due to all the pain. Bob and my mom both kept pushing the staff to get me a room, but it just took a long time. It was getting to be late at night. Once I was back on a stretcher, they took me for a CT scan. Dr. J came in to tell us why I was having so much pain - I had a bowel perforation. I had been living with this perforation for almost 5 days. He immediately took me into surgery and I woke up with a temporary illesotomy (one of two I would have temporarily over the years before I was given a permanent one in 2006). I was devastated and scared, but in the end, it was a life saving measure. I almost died from this event, which I have always down played over the years. Dr. J was very clear with Bob and my mom about how serious the situation was that night in June 2001. 

I ended up having that temporary illeostomy until March 2002. They took me into surgery in January 2002 to try and reverse it, but my body needed more time to heal. The rest of 2001 was very difficult for me. I was not feeling good about myself at all. I was doing my best to learn how to live with this bag on my tummy, but the psychological effect on me was massive. My dad was so supportive and would not let me get down about it. My saving grace was my Bob who stood with me and loved me through all the sunshine and darkness. I remember being in one of our best friend's weddings in Charleston in December. We had a great time, but I was so self conscious about the dress as I always felt like everyone could see the bag through my clothes. The picture above is from New Year's Eve 2001 with those same friends. I was happy standing next to my Bob, but still not feeling that great. There is probably a reason we have very few pictures from 2001. Bob and I always make the best of it and I'm not trying to sound overly dramatic. There are so many people that have it so much worse, I know. I'm just trying to share my memory of a difficult start to a even more difficult journey. It's time to make peace. 

The only surgery I have ever had that was done laparoscopically was in 2012. Every other surgery that has been done on me has required opening me up. This wear and tear on my body of scar tissue and adhesion's just led to more surgeries. I think I could glow in the dark with the amount of radiology visits I have had over the years. Time to make peace with the IV they had to put in my foot in the middle of the night. The failed epidurals. The pain medications that were not ready when I woke up from surgery. The blood transfusions. My 5-week hospital stay. The intestinal blockages. The daily enemas. The great amount of adhesive that has been put on me and torn off. The pic lines. The bottles of IV contract I had to drink when I was too sick to ingest anything. The ambulance ride transferring me from one hospital to another. Watching my family sit in uncomfortable chairs for hours on end. It's like I just have to get this out of me! 

I always thought that June 2001 was the worst month of my life, until I reached July 2009 when we lost my mom. I say all of this and share all of this to be able to see how far I have come, how far Bob and I have come. He has loved me thorough it all and I am forever grateful to him for it. I am ready to make peace with these memories and know that they are part of what gives me my strength today. We can all name that day, month, year, or period of our lives that was most difficult. My hope is that we can see it as part of a greater journey and embrace it as part of ourselves. Sometimes it's not possible, but it sure is a blessing when you are at the place when it is possible. 

Thought 26: 3 months and 2 weeks . . .

I became "Aunt Sue" in Wichita, Kansas on June 7, 2000. My Kaylen was born and I sat in the waiting room with my parents waiting for my brother Steve to come announce "it's a girl!" I love being an aunt and I am proud to now have four nieces and three nephews, with one on the way in the next month! I have been in the waiting room for four of their births and anxiously waiting by the phone for the news of the others. I love them all to pieces and would do anything for them. In looking back on the year 2000, my happy memories are mixed with difficult ones. After three years of being sick and not knowing what to do, Bob and I met my parents in Rochester, Minnesota so I could be evaluated at the Mayo Clinic. I saw multiple doctors who poked and prodded me from every angle. In the end, they sat me down and told me I had Crohn's Disease and connected me with a specialist back in Michigan. I was floored by this news, but I was glad to have some clarity on what was wrong. Bob and I returned to Ann Arbor and I completed my Masters degree by the end of the year, some of it from my bed with IV antibiotics flowing in my arm. But I was Aunt Sue now and that brought me so much joy. 

And the journey continues . . . I am sitting on the porch of our beach house rental for the annual Hubbard family beach week. What a special tradition! I have been coming to this week with the family for over 17 years and every year brings another full set of wonderful memories. It is pouring down rain today from Tropical Storm Arthur and we are having a "quiet" day inside - with four kids under the age of four. I have eaten my weight in chips this week, but you can't really mess with tradition. I brought my bag of running gear with me and have already logged a 6 and 4 mile run. I hope to kick off the 4th of July with a 9 mile run, but Arthur is going to have to get out of the way first.

I am excited to report that I just completed my first full month of training for the Chicago Marathon. I now have 3 months and 2 weeks to go until Race Day! Although I have been running pretty consistently all year, it feels good to have one month of official training behind me. I feel really good.
 I have struck a groove with my running and feel strong. I have come a long way from April when I hit such a rut with my training. Since I know what it takes to train for a half marathon, I now feel the difference in training for a full marathon - the longer weekday runs. I never ran 6 miles during the week in past training, and that mileage will only continue to climb. Wiser souls have warned me that I will really feel the marathon training when I run my first 15 mile long run. I'm sure they are right!

I received my "Run for ALS" singlet a few weeks ago from my charity team, the Les Turner ALS Foundation. Things became more real when I opened that package. I now wear it for every long run. I have to make sure it is good and broken in for race day. On the back it has a place to write the name of the person you are running for with the charity. I run for my mom every time I

lace up my shoes, so that is who I wrote on my shirt. But, since starting this journey, I have learned of three people in my life or connected with someone I know that are living with ALS or have lost their life to this devastating illness. I will include their initials on the back of my shirt as well, which includes my surgeon and friend, Dr. J. I will continue to add initials to my shirt as I learn of them, so if you know anyone who's life has been affected by ALS, please let me know and they will be running with me too. This disease affects a lot more people than most would think and needs much more attention than it is being given.

One of the great things about getting started with my marathon training is having a training plan that outlines my journey. I have my weeks mapped out from now until October 12 with what days I will be running and what days I will cross train. I know I will be running my longest run of 20 miles on Saturday, September 20. I was bouncing between two different training plans for some of June, but I have now settled into the TrainingPeaks plan sent to me through the Chicago Area Runners Association (CARA) and the Les Turner ALS Foundation. I have an app for it on my phone and can access it whenever I need it. The remote support I have received from CARA has been very useful. I also hope to join a local running group in July for my long Saturday runs.

The anticipation is gone. The waiting is over. I am doing it. I am training for a marathon and getting deeper into the journey every day. It's funny, I am not feeling scared because I know I will just take it one run at a time. I am prepared to run the distance in front of me and nothing more. There are some very hard days ahead of me and probably some tears along with them. I am comfortable now with running my own race and will use the incredible strength of those on my shirt along with my own inner strength to take the miles as they come. 

Thought 25: That's what friends are for . . .

In the fall of 1999, Bob and I made our first big move as a family. We moved to Ann Arbor, Michigan so I could attend the University of Michigan School of Social Work for my Masters Degree. I focused on Interpersonal Practice with Children and Families. We were Michigan fans instantly. I will never forget the look on Bob's face when we received our UM football season tickets in the mail before we moved. The first game was against Notre Dame and ESPN Gameday was there. Bob convinced me to get up early enough so we could be out there for the start of the show. We sported out maize and blue with tattoos on our face. We looked like we had been fans much longer then the 5 minutes we had lived there. Football Saturdays in Ann Arbor were some of our favorite days during our 7 years as Michiganders. Just don't bring up with Bob the Michigan State game we left early because I was cold and Michigan came back to win in the third overtime. Oops. 

How to draw a rainbow . . . Help in trying out for the dance team . . . Attempts at driving a manual transmission . . . a few of the many things that I have learned from my friends over my lifetime. Some of the things we learn from friends are things we can see while others touch closer to the heart. I have been fortunate to make so many amazing friends throughout my life, starting with my very first friends, Laura and Erica. I knew them both from almost the very beginning. I spent a lot of time with each of them in the first eleven years of my life before my family moved to Tallahassee. I am lucky that I am still connected with them both today and I enjoy staying in touch and seeing pictures of their beautiful children. 

One of the great things about social media sites like Facebook is I am able to stay connected with so many people from every part of my life. I have amazing friendships from both high school and college that I just wish I could keep up with better. Facebook is not the best way to do that, but unfortunately that is the best we have sometimes. I continue to try and do better to connect in other ways. The best friends I have from college are ones Bob and I share together. They are so special to us, and even though we don't have the chance to talk or get together like we want to, we always know that we are there for each other no matter what happens. I will never forget when they all drove or flew down for my mom's funeral. I was blown away and will never forget that moment when they all walked in together. I will love them always. 

When I became a mother in November 2010, I could not have been more excited and scared at the same time. Those first few months were somewhat lonely in that I did not have a lot of local connections to share in being a new mother. I was missing my mom like crazy as it had only been a year and a few months since she had passed. I didn't even realize how much I needed other women to share in this new experience of being a mom. I was blessed to have the two most amazing sister-in-laws to commiserate with as we all became moms within 10 weeks of each other - zero to three grandchildren almost instantly for Bob's parents!

And then one day in March 2011, I decided to venture out and take Megan to story time at our nearby library. I sat down and was excited about joining in on an activity that I looked forward to doing as a mom for so long. Little did I know that I was sitting down next to a fellow mother that would change my life forever - my Jenn. We started talking immediately and she told me about a local mom's group that she had connected with already. The group was organized through a website called Meetup and was a larger group of area moms looking to get together for playdates and activities, many of which were stay-at-home moms like me. My first "meetup" was at a local park and I was so nervous. I brought a blanket for Megan and sat down with all the other moms and babies. I quickly met some amazing friends who are now like family to me. It was a large group and different people showed up at different things, but it did not take us long to find each other and some of us to become a smaller and closer group of friends and "super mommies." 

We went out for an evening of celebration and friendship recently to say farewell as a group to two of our ladies. Their lives are taking them to new adventures in St. Louis and Raleigh, and I could not be more happy for them and their families. I will just miss them so much. I am not good with goodbyes. Both of these ladies are so incredibly special to me and are two of my best friends. We have navigated this thing called motherhood together on a daily basis. From the emotions that come with every stage to what sippy cup is best to problem solving when the babies are sick, we have discussed it all and kept each other sane. We have taken care of each other's kids and leaned on each other through both highs and lows. The ladies you see above, and some that are not pictured, have been a gift from God to me. I truly believe that my mom sent them to me. We have spent so much time together that I love their children like they are my own and it has been so much fun to see many of their families growing with additional children. Our kids all love each other so much and are learning about the importance of friendship from each other. 

We have played and spent time together on almost a weekly basis for over three years now, sometimes more than once a week. This picture is from the first playdate I hosted at our house with two of Megan's best buddies. As the kids continued to grow, we started taking our "couch pictures" and lining them up together. We have run out of couch room now, but it doesn't keep us from lining them up for a group shot. Over the years, we have kept the frozen yogurt business going in our community, worn out the sidewalks of the zoo and botanical gardens, made our presence known at the local parks, and destroyed many a playrooms at each other's homes. I had to get unlimited texting for my phone so I could keep up with our group conversations when we were not together. It is all in a good day's fun! 

As the kids all get bigger and time continues to move too fast, we always find ways to stay connected. It does become more of a challenge as families have different school schedules and activities start to come into play. Some friends have moved a few cities away, but still in the area, while we have our first birds to leave the nest and move to another state. We have all decided that we will work hard to stay in touch and find ways to stay connected. Life will always go on and distance can be difficult to deal with when trying to maintain any relationship. No matter where life takes any of us, we will always have these special years together when we learned so much about ourselves as both women and mothers, wives and daughters, and most of all friends.

Thought 24: A daddy's girl . . .

My first job out of college was at the Florida Children's Forum in Tallahassee, a statewide child care resource and referral agency. I had worked there a year when I turned 24 years old. I held several positions in my time with the organization and learned a lot about event planning and program management. I enjoyed the people I worked with the most and the work they entrusted in me as I was getting my feet wet in my first real professional position. I have to say my time as a 24-year-old adult in 1998 was a difficult one. I was learning more about my gastrointestinal issues and not understanding why no one could make me feel better. It wasn't until 2000 that I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, so I was incredibly frustrated with my symptoms. I was on and off weeks of prednisone because there was nothing else that made me feel better. Bob and I struggled with understanding this time and just wanted to enjoy our newlywed days. We made the best of it as always as we leaned on each other and both sides of our wonderful family for support. 

There are certain qualities in a father that mean the most to me. First, I think a father should provide unconditional love. A father should encourage their child to be a critical and independent thinker. A father should inspire their child to be a dreamer and follow those dreams, no matter where in the world those dreams will take them. A father should teach their children how to respect others, as well as respect themselves. A father should be fun and patient and always embrace the silliness in his children. A father should demonstrate how important it is to follow the rules and be responsible for one’s actions. However, he should also teach his children to think for themselves and use good judgment, even if it means breaking a rule every now and then. Finally, a father should teach his children the importance of giving back and respecting other people, no matter their background or differences. There are so many qualities that make a good father, and everyone would have a different list. These are the qualities that have had the most impact on me and I am blessed that my dad embodies all of them.

I have been so fortunate to have so many great men in my life – my father, my two older brothers, my husband, my father-in-law, my uncles, my brother-in-laws, and of course my grandfathers. I wish them all a very Happy Father’s Day! There is no denying who is my father. I look just like him. He loves the story of my co-worker that once said, “wow, you look just like your dad. It’s creeping me out.” It is a striking resemblance, but in the end, I hope that it is some of my other qualities that have the strongest connection to him – my competitiveness, ambition, generosity, humor, tender heart, instinct, courage, and stubbornness not to give up.  My dad and I have both been affected by Crohn’s Disease in our lives, and if it weren’t for him, if it weren’t for these qualities, I would never be here today.  

My mom always told me that my dad was surprised when I came along because he had never thought about having a girl.  He had faith in me from the beginning and knew that I could do anything I wanted to do in this world. I grew up in Titusville, Florida with a pool in my backyard. My dad had me in the water (no flotation device) at 8 months old. Before long, he was pushing me to the bottom of the pool to pick up pennies. We were buddies from the beginning. We had at least 10 games we would play in the pool that he made up. He would come home from work and put me in his Scout Jeep and take me down to the convenience store or ice cream shop for a treat. After he and my mom saw the matinee stage production of “The Wiz” in Orlando, he came home, put me in the car, and we drove all the way back for the evening show. He took me to his office on the weekends and I would pretend to be his secretary downstairs. He taught me how to keep score at major league baseball games.  He taught me how to write.  He inspired me to want to see the world. He shared his love of Broadway and took me to New York City on a regular basis (we hope to go again soon). He shared his love of reading and history and has inspired me to want to learn more. Although I fought it for so many years, he actually does have a good taste in music, which I am sure has had an influence on my love for country, bluegrass, and jazz.  

The funny thing is, I continue to learn from him with every year and am most grateful for what he gives my daughter as her “Gran.” He is in love with being a grandfather and seeing his four nieces and one grandson every chance he can get. He loves his family with all his heart and has always made me feel like my brothers and I were his first priority. He travelled a lot when we were growing up and still works and travels at the age of 74 years old. But I never felt his absence because he was always so present when he was home. My dad is not perfect. No one I know is perfect, most certainly not me. But I think my dad would be one of the first to admit that and has always been pretty hard on himself. I know I get my stubbornness from him. He has already arranged to have a copy of his car keys given to a friend, so when we take his keys away one day, he can still get away in his car and head out west.

My dad and I have a very special and unique relationship and friendship. It has grown and changed over the years, but I still look to him for guidance and wisdom. We truly enjoy each other’s company. One of the things I am most excited about is that the qualities I treasure most in my dad, I also see in my husband. I find great comfort in knowing that Megan will grow up and go through life with a dad that embodies all the qualities a dad should process. One of the greatest things that both my dad and husband share is their love of being a dad. My husband will always be there for Megan in all the ways she will need him. He provides her unconditional love and support and encourages her to try her best and be respectful of others. He is the stable force in her life and I have fallen in love with watching their relationship develop in her first three years. Between their yogurt dates and Frozen sing-a-longs and their Dr. Seuss adventures and Sat mornings while I am running, my husband never misses an opportunity to have his special time with his girl. He is always there, which is really what it is all about.

So, when does a father become a “dad” or “daddy?” I am sure there are as many opinions about this as there are answers, but I think it is about the bond between a dad and his child and the connection between two hearts. A dad longs to be with his kids and be there for his kids. He feels responsible for them and ensuring their safety and well-being. He embodies the qualities or similar ones that I mentioned above. My husband and I are very much a team and share the responsibility in raising a strong and confident daughter. My parents did the same. I am very aware of how lucky I am to have these relationships and sources of support. The relationship with my dad goes to the core of who I am and I could not be more grateful that God sent me someone that can give that same connection and love to our daughter. No coincidence they are both named Bob.

Happy Father’s Day to the two men that give my life such joy, to all the dad’s in my life, and all the dad’s everywhere! Here’s to you!

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation -  http://ow.ly/ukTos. 

Thought 23: Are you for real . . .

When Bob and I got married in December 1997, he was 22 and I was barely 23 years old. We were young and ready to take on the world together. Our wedding was absolutely beautiful and the big, fun party we wanted with our friends and family. Although, we always laugh that we didn't see any of the food until we opened the picnic basket in our hotel room later that night. It was an affair to remember for sure. We were married two days after Christmas and everything was decorated so beautifully. We could not have been more grateful to our parents for giving us such an amazing start to our lives. Our honeymoon was a cruise through the Caribbean and such a carefree time. We went scuba diving for the first time and both fell in love with the experience. We arrived home to our apartment, ready to start our lives as a family. The honeymoon ended pretty quickly as it was more apparent that I was having health issues that were new and different. Outside of some childhood asthma (that I grew out of when I was 8 years old) and problems with seasonal allergies throughout my teenage years and early twenties, I had never really been sick. Bob was there for me from the moment I had my first symptoms of Crohn's Disease just months after our wedding day. He is there for me now. I could not be more blessed. 

A friend asked me recently, "are you an avid runner?" I was really not sure how to answer. It's funny, I have been running pretty consistently for about two years now and I still have trouble thinking of myself as a runner. Am I an "avid runner?" The word "avid" means to have or show a keen interest or enthusiasm in something or to have an eager desire for something. So, do I have an interest or enthusiasm for running? I would say so. Bob texts me quotes like the one below every weekend during my long runs. He sent me this one last Saturday while I was running 7 miles. It really stuck with me and I wanted to share it with you.

I know people that run for lots of reasons and they all run at different levels and distances. I also know many people that don't run for lots of reasons. There were a lot of years when I would have laughed at you if you ever told me I would train as a runner, much less for a full marathon. Let's just say, I was not the first one picked during P.E. in school. But, I am a runner. I am an avid runner. I am not able to break 2 hours in a half marathon (a benchmark I have always attributed to serious runners), but I am only 20 minutes behind them and my medal looks the same. I show up and put in the time. My mile is just as long as the next runner, no matter when I finished it. I don't care if you run 2 miles, 10 miles, or 26.2, the effort can be the same if that is a goal for you. I remember when I never thought I could run a mile without stopping. It was such a challenge for me to reach that milestone. I have come a long way since then and that is why training is so important. As you increase your mileage, you sometimes wonder how you will ever be able to run farther than the goal you have for that day. I remember when I ran 6 miles for the first time when training for the 2013 Disney Half Marathon. While I was proud of myself, I thought, how would I ever be able to run more? And then I did.

I finally feel like I am getting back into a groove with my running. The heat is definitely my biggest challenge at the moment, but I am making it work. In order to prepare for the long haul, I have pulled back on my long runs and returned to interval training. I am running seven or eight minutes and walking one throughout the whole run. This worked really well for me during my last long run and left me feeling like I could do more. The run-walk method also doesn't take too much off your time if you do it consistently throughout the run. So, I continue to run my own race and use what works for me. I know I will hit bumps throughout my training, but so far so good!

Over the past week I also mapped out my training and runs between now and race day on October 12. Seeing the visual of what days I will run what distances provided me a lot of relief. I can now look ahead and make sure I plan around those growing distances, especially on the weekends. It is hard to imagine running farther than a half marathon distance of 13.1 miles, but like I have in the past, I will do it and continue to move up the mileage ladder. I am hoping to connect with a running group when the mileage gets past the half marathon distance. I feel very naive going into this experience and I know I will learn so much along the way, but that is why I am doing this. I want the experience. I crave it. I want to show myself that I can do this and that my body is strong enough both physically and mentally. I hope to inspire others that have faced health challenges like me or are looking for a reason to hope. I want to be a source of inspiration for those that need it. I have connected with a lot of runners through social media and have found my own sources of inspiration and motivation both in and out of the running world. I just want to give back.

So, if you are reading this and want to be a runner, just lace up and get out there. If you show up, you are a runner. If you run some of it and walk some of it, you are still a runner. Take on that couch to 5K. Take on the 10K. Go for the half marathon. Next time someone asks me if I am an avid or serious runner, I am going to say yes confidently. I am putting a lot of myself into this each week, as well as my family,  and I take that sacrifice and commitment seriously. If you are just getting started with this journey, you are still a runner. If you own it, I promise I will too.

On a side note, in my last blog, Thought 22, I forgot to add one more movie to my favorite list, A Few Good Men. Had to be said.

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation -  http://ow.ly/ukTos. 

Thought 22: Lighten Up Francis . . .

We were so young, but old enough to know that we wanted to be together forever. After we graduated college together in May 1997, I went home to live with my parents in Florida and Bob was just two months behind as he was starting a PhD program in Chemistry at Florida State University (now there is a story). I was not sure what I was doing next, but I knew I wanted to be close to Bob. The day he moved down was a big day for him. He had never lived more than an hour from where he grew up. We were both 22 years old and trying to figure out our place in the world. When he arrived, you could tell he was nervous about this big change. My mom and dad asked me to go "run an errand" and pick up some papers from a friend's house. They did a good job of stalling me. Bob wanted me out of the house so he could ask my parents for my hand in marriage. My dad told him that was fine as long as he changed the windshield wipers on my dad's car. Anyone who knows my dad will appreciate that humor. I came back and went upstairs to tell Bob that dinner was ready. He took my hand and shared the sweetest words while giving me a box. I opened it to find a Precious Moments couple of a boy proposing to a girl. I looked up at him and he was already on his knee. After I said yes and started crying, I immediately ran downstairs to tell my parents. Funny thing is, Bob still hasn't changed the windshield wipers on my dad's car. 

On Mother's Day, Bob suggested I get out of the house and go see a movie. I had been sick at home for almost a week and Megan was sick all weekend with a fever. He knew I was going stir crazy, so I took his advice. I did not want to see something that would make me sad, so I decided to give the movie Neighbors a try. It was TERRIBLE. I almost left early, but I was enjoying my popcorn and alone time. Either I am just old or it was just that bad. I don't get to an actual theater very often, so I appreciated the treat either way.

I LOVE movies, especially seeing them in an actual theater. I love how they make me feel and how immersed I get in the storyline and characters. If I could have any job in the world (and be given the talent to go along with it), I would be a movie director. I am fascinated with the behind the scenes action and how the whole thing comes together. My cousin Matt is a director and writer and I always tell him that I want to be his assistant. He thinks I'm kidding.

It's funny how you can remember where you were or who you were with when you saw certain movies. I remember my mom covering my eyes when she took my brothers and I to see Raiders of the Lost Ark because she thought it was too scary for me. I remember falling asleep to a Star Trek movie with my best friend Erica. I remember my dad and brother Mike taking me to see Hoosiers and assuring me that it was "not about basketball." I remember my brothers and I going to see Rain Man at the theater while my parents were throwing a dinner party, the only movie we ever went to see just the three of us. I will never forget going to see Forrest Gump with my parents and brothers and how blown away we all were with how good it was - not something that happens very often. I remember going to see Back to the Future in the theater and having to split up from my family to find a seat because it was sold out. I remember going to see Titanic with Bob after our honeymoon cruise through the Caribbean. We were glad we waited until we got back to go see it. I remember going to the movies and seeing The Notebook with Bob's family at the beach, our favorite rainy day beach activity before kids, and crying my eyes out.

My brother Mike and I have always enjoyed going to the movies together. It was out little date when I was younger. Bob and I share the love of going to the movies (and sharing popcorn) and always enjoyed catching a double feature when we were in college and married without kids. Once we tried a triple feature, but I think that took it a little too far. We always went through the ethical dilemma of whether or not to pay for the second movie or just sneak over. We are good kids. We always went out and bought the second set of tickets. Nowadays, we are lucky to get to the movie theater a couple times a year. We definitely need to make time for regular date nights, but we need a deeper bench on the babysitter front to make that possible.

In 2003, one of my best friends Melissa and I met in Los Angeles for the Academy Awards weekend. We hit all the sites including Rodeo Drive, the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Grauman's Chinese Theater, Venice Beach, and the Kodak Theater. Our eyes hurt by the end of the weekend looking for celebrities. We did see Nicole Kidman hold up her Oscar as she was getting in her car as we congregated with the crowd across the street from the Kodak Theater. It was good fun and a wonderful time catching up with a lifetime friend.

I have always wanted to take the list of "Best Picture" movies and start watching the ones I have not seen. Not that a movie's worth is based on whether or not it wins an award. Its funny, many of the "Best Picture" winners are probably movies that my dad tried to get me to watch growing up and I thought I was too cool to watch his old favorites. He gave me a copy of his all-time favorite movie recently that did win a Best Supporting Actor award in its day, A Thousand Clowns. This is not a movie most people have probably heard of these days, but this was a staple in our house growing up. As much as I complained when I was younger, it is actually a really good movie. As my dad always tells me, "You can never have too many eagles."

It is impossible for me to a pick a list of my favorites as I know I am forgetting one. I tend to lean toward Dramas as I like a movie that has a good message behind it and will bring up a lot of emotions in me. I looked through my DVD collection to help, but I would say the following movies would always be in my top favorites . . . 

The Color Purple

Shawshank Redemption

Forrest Gump

When Harry Met Sally

Juno

Rounders

Dead Poet's Society

The American President

Good Will Hunting

Sound of Music

A Few Good Men

I have so many favorites from each decade like Pretty Woman from the 90s or Can't But Me Love from the 80s. I hope Stripes fans appreciated the reference in the title of my blog. Then I remember classics like Gone with the Wind, Music Man, and Wizard of Oz. I always love a good classic, and if it is a musical, even better. My mom and I loved the movie Stepmom - talk about a movie that will make me cry. Bob and I always enjoy watching our regular favorites like Rounders and The Italian Job. I just can't get enough and the list goes on and on. It is not often a movie blows you away and it seems less and less so as the years go by. But when it does, it just lights me up inside. 

On a running note, my gym has a cardio theater where they have three rows of treadmills and you can watch the movie of the day on a huge movie theater size screen while you run. I had to run 5 miles on the treadmill the other day because I didn't have a sitter for Megan so I could run outside. I was dreading it because I prefer the outdoors and was just hoping for a good movie. I was pleasantly surprised in Jack Reacher with Tom Cruise. It was starting at the beginning, so I was able to see the first 55 minutes or so. I was pleasantly surprised and would like to watch the rest sometime. It distracted me enough to get in my best treadmill workout in a long time. I had a great running week and clocked in 16 miles total. Here I come Hollywood!

Please share your favorite movies or favorite movie memory . . . 

Check out my personal fundraising page for the Les Turner ALS Foundation -  http://ow.ly/ukTos.