Thought 14: More than just running . . .

Surviving middle school was my goal as a 14-year-old girl. I am not sure that this was any different in 1988 than it is in 2014. The feelings I was struggling with and doing what I could to fit in was a challenge. At the end of my 8th grade year, I caught mononucleosis. I can promise you that I was not kissing anyone. I remember I had to stay home for 5 weeks and my mom had my school work sent home to me. I almost missed the 8th grade dance and certainly did not have a date. My mom went out and bought me a beautiful floral print dress and I went to the dance by myself. I remember how nervous I was walking into the dance, but I was glad I decided to go. This was also the year that we moved into our home on Lake Hall. It took a couple of years to build the home, so my parents rented a town home and we lived in closer quarters for awhile. My oldest brother slept on my trundle bed when he came home from college on break (which I loved). When I think of my home growing up I will always think of "the lake house."

It was never just about running. I think that is true for almost any runner.

This blog has always been about my greater story behind my running. I had planned on writing this week about registering for the Chicago Marathon and making the commitment official to run on October 12, 2014, my 40th birthday. I received notice on Tuesday that they were delaying registration for two weeks to work out some bugs in their website. It is the first year the Chicago Marathon will have a lottery system, so the registration process is more complicated I guess.

One of the only ways you can secure a guaranteed spot in the race is by raising money for one of the charities associated with the event. I always planned on participating as a charity runner and making this training and race day experience about something much bigger than 26.2 miles. After talking to a couple of different charities over the past two weeks (and not hearing back from a couple), and doing my due diligence research on my favorites, I made a decision. I have officially joined the Run for ALS Team for the 2014 Chicago Marathon through the Les Turner ALS Foundation (http://www.lesturnerals.org). You can learn more about Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's disease or motor neuron disease (MND), on their website if you are not familiar.

I thought about waiting to share this decision until I officially registered for the race, but why wait two weeks when I can tell you about this wonderful organization now! The Les Turner ALS Foundation has been around since 1977 and serves 90% of the individuals suffering from ALS in the Chicago area. They are the largest privately funded ALS organization in the country. Their research is very impressive and impacts all ALS patients and families around the nation and the world. They are connected with the both national and international conversation on research and patient care. Since I am asking all of you to support their work, I want to make sure I do my homework. With a fundraising background myself, I knew it was important to check out any charity I was considering on Charity Navigator (www.charitynavigator.org). Les Turner ALS Foundation was by far the most impressive out of the ones I was considering. They are rated 4 out of 4 stars and over 80% of their fundraising goes to program support and research. This is very impressive and hard to find in the nonprofit world. I would never ask you to support something that I would not support myself. My goal is to raise $4,000 by my 40th birthday and Bob and I have committed to making sure we honor this pledge. I really appreciate any support you can give me and please feel free to send me any questions. (@HubRunLive)

Anyone that has been keeping up with my blog understands why I would want to support an organization working to find a cure for ALS. If this is the first time you are connecting with my story, my family lost my mom to this devastating disease on July 28, 2009. I will run this race for her, along with my whole family, that she lived every day for, and carry her courage, perseverance, compassion, and love along with me from now until the finish line and beyond. She was the heartbeat of our family and our home base.

Check out my fundraising page to learn more about this story . . . http://ow.ly/ukTos

When I made the commitment with the foundation, they sent me a wonderful "welcome to the team" email and the following quote. I am so excited about this decision and connecting with an organization that is making such a difference with a cause that I will always carry close to my heart.

“As a former runner, I know there are many personal reasons for pushing the limits of your body – the exhilaration, sense of freedom and joy of accomplishment. Now you are again raising your sights by serving the needs of others. Every stride you take gives strength to those who cannot walk, every breath gives hope to those who struggle to breathe. Thank you for your dedication, commitment and spirit of giving” ~ Steve Heronemus, current Les Turner ALS patient and Run for ALS Champion

Thought 13: Don't run angry . . .

I turned 13 years old the fall of 7th grade. My year playing the clarinet in the middle school band did not ignite any long term love of the instrument. I spent a lot of my middle school days participating in a local children's theatre group. I loved having roles both on and off stage. The experience brought me so much confidence. I was never a good singer, but I did stand up by myself and sing for an audition, including "Kids" from Bye Bye Birdie and "Castle on a Cloud" from Les Miserables. It taught me to put myself out there and step out of my comfort zone. My dad took me on our first daddy-daughter trip to New York City that same year. Theatre and the arts have always been a place of comfort and peace for me - a happy place for sure. 

I received a lot of great feedback from my last blog on the subject of fear. I think we all want to talk about the things that no one talks about. My minister gave a wonderful sermon this past Sunday on hope in the face of fear. I think that is so critical. It is ok to be afraid, but it doesn't mean you give up or stop trying. Hope to me is like water. I need it to live.

I shared some of my most difficult moments in my last blog and I must admit that there are many more that could be shared. It has taken me a long time to be able to write about these times and feelings, much less talk about them. I have lived most of my life as a pretty open book, but not everyone is that way. Privacy is so important and something to be highly respected. For me, I feel better when I talk about my experiences and I gain a sense of empowerment that I can use my journey, no matter how hard it was, to help others and make them feel less alone.

However, have I always been this positive, this hopeful? No. Just ask my husband or my dad. If I am going to talk about my fears, I need to talk about an even darker place - anger. Looking back, I think my hardest moments have not necessarily been the moments themselves, but more how I handled them. I have had to process through many, many years of anger and resentment. The moments where I showed my anger or took it out on the ones I love the most are the hardest for me. I have stomped, screamed, cried, shut down, cried, thrown up my hands, and cried more times than I can count. I unfortunately threw a lot of those feelings of anger toward Bob, my mom, and my dad. It aches my heart to think of how that must have felt on their end.

We always talked about it and I know in the end they understood. But, one thing I have learned, no matter how bad you feel physically and/or emotionally, it is never ok to take it out on others. I think Bob and I learned to be strong communicators through all of my health battles as we were forced to talk about it and deal with it. Otherwise, our marriage would never have lasted. He would call me out on it (and still does) and I didn't always like it. Thank goodness he did, as I needed to be held accountable.

Anger is so toxic to the system but unavoidable at certain times in your life. When I am angry, I become very impatient, withdrawn, short, and passive aggressive. I don't know how many times I walked out on a conversation with Bob and escaped to another room because I was just so mad and couldn't face the issue at hand. These years of built up anger made me feel depressed, bitter, resentful, lethargic, and moody. It just hurt so much.

I can't count how many times I have shouted "This is not fair" or "When will it be our turn to be happy?" I felt like I was standing at the start line and couldn't move while everyone just ran right by me. Outside of problems with asthma as a young child and seasonal allergies as a young girl (both I eventually grew out of), I had always been a very healthy person. I was 23 years old and two months into my young marriage and I was just so angry. Although, I didn't really know how serious this was going to become until a few years went by, but the anger grew and grew. It actually took me a lot of therapy to accept this hand I was dealt and make peace with those angry feelings. What happened to our 20s and carefree years? It felt like everyone around us was enjoying life and having fun and we were stuck at the starting line.

I was angry I was sick. I was angry I couldn't be the wife I though Bob deserved. I was angry I wasn't able to get pregnant. I was angry my reproductive system was sick and had to be removed. I was angry I was tired all the time. I was angry that I was depressed and had little motivation. All of this anger seemed irrelevant to the anger I felt about my mom being sick and then losing her. The feelings hit me like a wave and grew so big it consumed me. I can't really separate out the anger, fear, depression, and resentment, but dealing with those feelings has been a very long road.

I just want to be honest here. I am in such a better place in 2014 than I was even a year ago, but I was only able to do that by making sure all of the feelings (the good, bad, and ugly) were given due attention. I continue to struggle with my anger and sadness around my mom's passing and why she had to get sick in the first place. It is a process. All of my moments are part of my greater story and make me the person I am today. My anger and fears still creep up on me and I have to sit in those feelings. But I continue to get up and move forward. If you ignore them they will not go away - they will grow and fester and explode on you. As my mom always used to tell me, "be gentle with yourself." I am far from perfect, but I am working hard every day to understand myself better and where my past fits in my life now. I owe this to myself and my family. Give your mind and body some space and time and you just might find some peace too.

Speaking of a peaceful place, my running is going well. I had a rough couple of weeks with my knee and lat band injury acting up. I eased up a bit on the training and attacked it with a lot of ice and foam rolling and I feel a lot better. I ran 11 miles last weekend and feel back on track to run the Publix Atlanta Half Marathon on March 23!

A note of housekeeping, I was really hoping to post my blog each Friday morning. Well, now that my three-year-old has dropped her only nap, my time to write has become limited. So, I will still try to post on Friday morning, but if it comes a few days late, you will know why! There will also be weeks here and there when I won't post a blog due to travel or other reasons. 

Thought 12: What are you afraid of . . .

The year I turned 12 years old was a big transition time for me and my family. I saw my oldest brother go off to college, which was hard for me. My family moved from Titusville, the only town I had ever known, to Tallahassee, a huge city in my eyes. I was so young for my grade, so my parents decided to use the transition time and new school to have me repeat 6th grade. It was a gift and gave me an extra year to mature emotionally. However, with all of these changes, I was so scared to leave behind my friends and everything familiar. 

I live with a lot of fears, some valid and some irrational. Some could be labeled worries I guess as I have developed worrying into an art. When I was thinking about what I had shared through this blog so far, I knew there were significant parts of the story that still needed to be discussed. I have shared what happened and some of the feelings behind it. I want to be motivational and show how well I am doing now. However, I am not doing my story justice if I don't explore some of the darker moments and more difficult feelings.

We all are met with moments in our lives when we are faced with our worst fears. I have unfortunately had a few friends experience this over the past week. Although I have done my best to stay positive over the years, I have had moments when my fears just took over. I remember when I was sitting in the patient room at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester with my parents and Bob. After a series of tests and evaluations, they confirmed with me that I had Crohn's Disease. The only experience I had ever had with this diagnosis was through my dad, which was many years of being extremely sick and a surgery that almost took his life when I was four years old. I sat there feeling so very sick, and with very little education and information, I was terrified.

Another moment was standing in the hallway of a hotel in Tampa trying to muster the energy to go to my grandmother's funeral. I was in the worst pain of my life, holding onto the wall while I walked to the elevator. I had just had my first surgery two weeks before when they removed most of my large intestine. I insisted on coming down to her funeral. I thought the pain would eventually go away. We were all so naive back then. Little did I know that I had a perforation at my incision site that I lived with for 5 days. When we flew back to Michigan, my mom and Bob took me straight back to the hospital. If there was ever a moment when my life was in danger, this would have been it. I was terrified. They performed emergency surgery on me in the middle of the night.

I will never forget when Bob and I were sitting on a bench outside the University of Chicago. My surgeon in Michigan had tried everything he knew to do and I was just not getting better. He referred me to a doctor in Chicago to get one more opinion. I had reached the end of my road with options and the one thing I was trying to avoid was coming back as my only option - a permanent illeostomy (www.ostomy.org/ostomy_info/factsheets/facts_ileostomy_en.shtml). My dad has had one since his surgery that saved his life. I had already had two temporary ones throughout the course of my surgeries in the years prior, but I was trying everything to avoid this life-altering change. Looking back, I wish I had the surgery for a permanent illeostomy from the very beginning. It gave me my life back and enabled me to return to the healthy person I am today. Bob and I were so scared sitting on that bench in Chicago, on the phone with both our parents, knowing what we had to do. I have been fearful of making this part of me public, but I am not ashamed. It is my ticket to having my life back. I want severe Crohn's patients and others faced with this decision to know that a better life is possible.

Outside of July 28, 2009, the day we lost my beloved mother to ALS, the most fearful moment of my life was when my mom called me from John Hopkins University Hospital and she shared her diagnosis. I was in Detroit and had just left work at the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. I pulled my car over and sat there in shock. Her life, my life, my family's world was shattered. We were not expecting this and we all just stopped in our tracks. I immediately got on a plane to Washington D.C. to be with my parents and my aunt and uncle that lived there.

So, these are a few of my more difficult moments, along with many in between. We all have them and live with them. There are many fears yet to be realized, but I know the experiences I have had along the way and the strength that I have gained will guide me through it. One thing I have learned is you cannot live in fear. Over the years, especially waiting and trying to be parents, we put things off because we were scared things would not work out. This fear of moving forward only leads to regret. You have to sit in your fears sometimes and work to understand them. I remember how scared I was the day the doctor called me back to tell me that I had a malignant tumor in my left kidney. I was at the park with Megan and standing in the middle of this big field with my friends watching Megan on the side. I did not know at the time it was operable. The same month I had it removed I lost two friends, in their 30s like me, to breast and colon cancer. Now, those are deep fears.

When it comes down to it, my greatest fears now reside around the health and well being of my family. Beyond that, I feel like we can work it out some how. I am blessed in immeasurable ways. But fears and living with them is a part of life. I am lucky to be surrounded with the most special family on both sides and the greatest friends. I continue to work through the emotions of what I have been through. This blog is one way I am trying to let some of those feelings go and use my experiences to help others. Life is so hard, which is why we have to all be in it together.

Thought 11: Feeling speechless . . .

One of the benefits of living down the road from the Kennedy Space Center as a child were all the shuttle launches I had the opportunity to see growing up. My parents moved to Titusville, FL in 1966 and saw many of the Apollo missions blast into space. All you had to do was walk out of your home, your school, or stand on the riverbank and see the rocket rise off the launch pad. The windows of my house would shake. I probably became spoiled from the experience. In January 1986, when I was 11 years old, I walked outside of my school at Apollo Elementary with the rest of my classmates to see the Challenger launch. I remember it so clearly. I actually thought the smoke going in opposite directions was a trick at first. I was not sure what to think. I was scared and speechless, along with the rest of the world. 

We have been watching a lot of Mary Poppins at our house these days. Megan loves it. She takes her figures and dolls and sails them through the air singing "Let's Go Fly a Kite" or skips down the sidewalk singing "Step in time, Step in time." It warms my heart as this movie was one of my very favorites as a child. It is funny how you watch a movie as an adult and understand the references better or find it touches you in a new way. So, I thought it would be best to start off this blog with the word that you say when you don't know what to say . . . supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

I am feeling rather speechless this week. I am actually writing this blog from my dad's computer in Florida as Megan and I decided to escape the ice storm in Atlanta and come visit him a few days early. This is the first time I have sat down to write and not had a topic ahead of time. I usually write each blog in one sitting, but I also have been thinking about what I want to say all week. I am not one to be at a loss for words very often, but I am feeling somewhat quiet right now. 

I had actually planned on writing about some difficult emotions this week - ones that we all face through our unique life experiences - like fear, grief, and anxiety. I will write about my experiences with these and what I have learned from them in the coming weeks, but I couldn't put that out there on Valentine's Day. It just didn't give off the right mood. 

Sometimes the right words are not available.  I find this especially true when trying to comfort someone. I love being able to help a friend or loved one and possibly leave them with words that might make them feel better. I usually feel like I say too much or the wrong thing. Many times, the best words are no words at all. It is about just being there, holding a hand, giving a hug, or listening on the other end of the line. I need to practice the great art of listening more. I am lucky to have several special people in my life that are wonderful listeners. My mom was one of them which has left a big hole in my life. When my mom passed away, I remember feeling like there were no words that anyone could say that provided comfort. Life is just like this sometimes. The best feeling is knowing your friends and loved ones are in your corner no matter what happens. If I leave this earth tomorrow, I hope my friends and loved ones will remember me as someone who was always in their corner. 

I also find myself speechless when it comes to being a mother and navigating the ever changing road of raising a child. I feel like whatever falls out of my mouth, at whatever level of volume comes with it, is the wrong thing. We work so hard to be consistent and follow through with the consequences we give her, but it is just so hard. I lay in my bed at night questioning the things I said to her and the words I used, thinking, "next time I will say this . . ." I am lucky to be married to the most patient man in the world, so he helps me dial back when I get my self out of whack. We work well as a team and are doing our very best to be there for Megan. I still find myself standing in front of her sometimes, after she has done something she should not have done, and think to myself, "Yeah, I have no words here." 

I shared a few blog posts ago that my word for 2014 is patience. Like any new year's resolution, February is here and I have to remind myself of the goals I made so I don't see them slip away. Patience as a mother is a big focus for me right now as this is where I find it to be the most challenging. Patience with myself in my running is also hard, and forgiving myself when I don't have a week when it all goes right. I have to remind myself to "run my own race" and not compare myself to other runners, other mothers. So, for a week when I am feeling speechless, I will hold onto the words "patience" and "listening" and wait for the words to come. 

Happy Valentine's Day to you and much love to your friends and loved ones!  

Thought 10: A new feeling . . .

Hoping to make a difference has always been a part of my core. My parents taught us the importance of giving back as one of their central values. As a young girl, I called the 1-800 number on my own to adopt a child in Africa and contribute to the United Negro College Fund. I am not sure how I did this - did I just take my parent's credit card? Hilarious. My dad still gives to the UNCF to this day. My attempts to enter politics came early too and were short lived. When I was 10 years old, I ran for President of my elementary school against my best friend. We both lost, but I do have our speeches on VHS somewhere. I have never been one to give up as I tried again in middle school to run for Treasurer and in high school to run for Secretary, with no luck. It may not have helped me in high school that my mom misspelled "Sophomore" on all of my campaign tags. To this day, I have never forgotten that second "o." So, not much of a future as an elected official, but I will always be a strong advocate.

One race down, two more to go! I finished the Atlanta Hot Chocolate 15K (9.3 miles) on Sunday morning, January 26. The start and finish was just outside Turner Field. I was standing in my corral in the 20 degree-ish temps and two thoughts came to my mind. First, the sun was up as the 15K did not kickoff until 8:25am. Every race I have ever participated in started in darkness. It was a weird feeling for some reason. Second, I had never started a race by myself. I did not necessarily mind it, but again, it was a weird and noticeable feeling. Although, I certainly did not feel alone with all the inspirational quotes coming my way from my Betsy and Bob. I was shaking from the low temps before they released our corral of runners, but I warmed up pretty quickly and enjoyed the beautiful (and hilly) run through neighborhoods like Grant Park and Virginia Highlands, with the final miles by Georgia State University. I was definitely ready for the chocolate at mile 6!

Before I made the final turn around Turner Field, I ran across the bridge heading toward the Olympic rings. It was a powerful moment for me as I was immediately taken back to the 1996 games when my mom and I walked across this bridge to attend some track and field events. She was wearing brand new tennis shoes that day and had to take them off and walk barefoot because they were hurting her feet so bad. My mom is always with me, but I could feel her smiling down on me at that moment for sure.

It felt great to cross the finish line strong with a time of 1 hour and 34 minutes, a personal record for me. The hot chocolate and chocolate fondue that was handed to me soon after made the moment even sweeter! Thanks to the training help from my rockstar sister-in-law Tiffiny, I was able to pace myself and run the entire 9.3 miles, just making sure I stopped at the water stops every 2 miles to get my fluids. I never thought I would be able to run that far without multiple walk breaks, which is how I have always trained. I have been reminded numerous times in my life under a variety of circumstances that I am capable of much more than I know, as are all of you!

This race gave me a huge confidence boost as I head toward the Atlanta Half Marathon in March and the Chicago Marathon in October. A new feeling came over me as I worked through the very hilly course - I prepared well for this! I have not felt prepared for most things in life it feels like, which I am sure is a shared feeling, so this was both a new and good feeling! Training in the past has been interrupted for one reason or another and my performance and results reflected that lack of proper training. Although I know most of the time those reasons were out of my control, it still felt good to have the room to prepare now and see the results of my hard work at the finish line. I was not familiar with the course ahead of time, so I was nervous about all of the hills I knew were coming - what was going to be around the next corner? As I kept running, my confidence grew and I felt better and better about finishing strong. While I made my way up a long hill by Georgia State, I turned to the girl next to me and gave her a big high five. I thought a lot while I was running, "I am going to do this!" I was a winner just for showing up, but it was a proud moment to see my mind and body come together for a strong performance.

So, now it is time to ramp things up! I now have my sights set on the Atlanta Publix Half Marathon on Sunday, March 23. This will be an emotional race for me as it will be my third attempt. The first time was special as one of my very best friends and I walked the course together, me facing my third round of IVF and her going through a very difficult life transition. We crossed the finish line holding our hands high, but I knew I had more in me to give. I tried it again in 2013, but I was coming off of an injury from the Disney Half Marathon in January and I had to sit it out. So, I am hoping this is my time and I can break my best half marathon time of 2 hours and 21 minutes. I like that I am writing my 10th blog post the same week I ran my first double digit run of 10 miles (for this journey anyway). I also joined Twitter for the first time this week as I am trying to spread the word about my blog and story and learn more from a greater running community (@HubRunLive). It will mean so much more to me if I know this blog has reached someone that can connect with my story and feel comfort that they are not alone.

As I sign off, it always bears repeating that I have the best support at my home base. I did not want Bob to bring Megan out to the Hot Chocolate race as it was too cold and the parking was atrocious. So, I came home to this. Bob took Megan on a date to Waffle House that morning and they stopped to pick up some flowers. Megan told him that she wanted to get me some daffodils. She also picked out the pink plant too, which she will be glad to tell you is her very favorite color. Thank God for my home base!

Thought 9: And the beat goes on . . .

Since I was probably about 9 years old, or younger, I had a secret childhood ritual. I would love to know if my mom ever knew or saw me doing this. When I thought I was alone in my room or I thought I had the house to myself, I would crank up the radio or put on a record (yes, a record) and pretend I was performing on a stage. Our house always had a good space for it. I would sing at the top of my lungs and make up dance routines. I was in heaven. I even sang a special duet with Phil Collins to "Separate Lives" with my 45 record turned up as loud as I could get it. It was quite a performance!

Music has always held a special part of my life. I grew up on a lot of bluegrass, folk and country music with my parents, which has definitely had a strong influence on my preferences as an adult. My dad was always insistent that we listen to his music growing up, like Arlo Guthrie, Johnny Cash, and Jim Croce to name a few. I fought him at the time, but I am so grateful now. My mom loved country music and whenever I hear bands like the Oak Ridge Boys, Alabama, or even Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton, I am taken straight back to sitting in the back seat of a station wagon. My mom and I LOVED to blast the music as we sang and danced it out in the car. As I grew up, she was so tolerant to listen to my favorite band of the week. My parents took me to my first concert when I was in 6th grade, which was Stevie Wonder and Huey Lewis and the News the following year. Live music was introduced to me early on and I continue to have a great appreciation for it today. 

I love all kinds of music and enjoy learning about new artists. One of my greatest loves has always been musicals. I saw my first Broadway shows - Annie and Peter Pan - on our family trip to New York City when I was five years old. My parents took me to see Annie again when I was a little older at a dinner theatre in Winter Park, FL. I cried through a lot of it because I wanted to be on stage. My dad and I have always had a special tradition of taking father-daughter trips to NYC together, starting when I was in 7th grade. I went on a business trip with him the first time, but most of the trips we just went on our own. My dad instilled in me a love of theatre. We would see three or four shows each time we would go. Sometimes when I see the time turning to the eight o'clock hour, I think about all the curtains going up together.

In the picture above, I was traveling on business in NYC and decided to go buy a single ticket to see Wicked. I was able to get a 3rd row center seat! I was so moved by the show and the music. It hit a special place in my heart with some of the things I was going through at the time. This is what music does to me. It takes me to such an emotional place and can raise me up and motivate me in so many ways. It gives me a connection to people, places, and times that I find so comforting.

When I hear Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys, I laugh and smile and immediately think of my childhood.

When I hear Ice, Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice, I am taken to the night my best friend Alison and I rode around in my new car shouting out the window, "It's a new car!"

When I hear Farthest Shore by David Wilcox, one of my favorite songs, I feel inspired and motivated and think of times that song pushed me to stay positive in moments that were so, so hard.

When I hear When We Dance by Sting, I think of slow dancing with Bob in college.

When I hear For the First Time by Kenny Loggins, I think of our first dance at our wedding.

When I hear Gailileo by the Indigo Girls, I think of my college roommate and how we almost broke our stereo playing this song on repeat.

When I hear Lessons Learned by Carrie Underwood, I think of the little pink iPod that Bob and my mom bought me while I was in the hospital for a 5-week stay and that nothing comforted me more as I pulled the covers over my head and pretended I was somewhere else.

When I hear Once in a Lifetime by Keith Urban, I think of a time when Bob and I realized we were going to be ok.

When I hear Jump Right In by the Zac Brown Band, I think of vacation.

When I hear Sing Me To Heaven, I think of my Bob and his Furman Singers and how much he has taught me about sacred music.

When I hear You'll be in my Heart by Phil Collins, I think of my mom as this was always our song.

When I hear Five Days Old by the Laurie Berkner Band, I will always think of my sweet Megan and her daddy and the amazing days we share together as a family.

And when I hear Music Box Dancer by Frank Mills, I think of my 45 record and my life as an inspiring five-year-old ballerina.

I feel like I could do this forever and I have not even touched on my favorite music. The fun started with making mix tapes - remember how frustrating it was when you reached the end of side A and it cut off the song? I still love making mixes and it is so effortless now. Bob and I have a playlist we have created for every race we have run. We have used a lot of the same old favorites and have had fun finding new inspiration along the way. Music is such a driving force for me when I run and can motivate me so quickly when just the right song comes along at just the right moment. Here are a list of some of my favorites (in no particular order) that will be playing me down the road in the Hot Chocolate 15K on Sunday. Hopefully I won't need more than 1 hour and 35-40 minutes worth!

We Weren't Born to Follow - Bon Jovi
The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani
Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson
Stronger - Kanye West
Numb - Linkin Park
Lose Yourself - Eminem
Crazy In Love - Beyonce & Jay-Z
Let's Get It Started - Black Eyed Peas
Let It Rock - Kevin Rudolf & Lil Wayne
Let It Go - Zac Brown Band
Home - Dierks Bentley
Defying Gravity - Kristin Chenoweth & Idina Menzel from Wicked
Hey, Soul Sister - Train
Hearts On Fire - John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band (Anything from Rocky IV Soundtrack)
Rudy Soundtrack
Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz
Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Tears For Fears
Everybody Talks - Neon Trees
Low - Flo Rida (you read it right!)
Even If It Breaks Your Heart - Eli Young Band
The Edge of Glory - Lady GaGa
Drive By - Train
All Your Life - The Band Perry
Roar - Katy Perry
Gone, Gone, Gone - Philip Phillips
Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons
Ain't No Mountain High Enough - Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
Wake Me Up - Aloe Blacc
Let It Go - Idina Menzel from Frozen
The Rising - Bruce Springsteen

I am in desperate need for new music, so any suggestions out there are welcomed! I will continue to build my list as the year continues and the marathon draws closer. I will return to the theme of music and the impact of certain songs on my life as the blog continues. It is hard to emphasize enough how important music is to my life. I have been surrounded by extremely talented singers and musicians for my whole adult life, starting at Furman University with almost all of my friends (including my Bob who has a beautiful voice) and continuing with friends I have met along the way. I even worked for a few years for the Detroit Symphony Orchestra! What I lack in talent, I make up for in appreciation. A good song, whether new or an old favorite can bring a smile or tear to my face faster than almost anything. It's almost like a good friend, and on many days, music has been just that to me.

Thought 8: Giddy up . . .

My mom was the all star, best room mother every year I was in school. She loved the holidays more than anyone and could throw the best parties. She was famous for wearing this bunny costume starting in my preschool years and every Easter season afterwards throughout her life. She even showed up at my Catholic school for the Easter party when I was about 8 years old wearing this costume. She was greeted by one of the nuns who told her that her costume was "highly inappropriate." Not much you can do while standing alone dressed as a pink bunny! 

The new year is here and I feel like I need to get back in gear! It was a busy and fun holiday season and I did not leave a lot of time for writing. I have 32 more blogs to write and 39 more weeks until the Chicago Marathon. So, I will start publishing a blog on every Friday morning, knowing there will be a week here and there when I will need more time. I work much better with deadlines. I will continue to work through different parts of my story and issues that affect me both past and present. However, I do want to lighten it up some as well. I'm actually not a very serious person! My hope is that this blog will not only give me the chance to learn more about myself and let some of my past go, but it will also touch someone else either through their running journey, personal journey, or maybe even both. 

A little update on my running . . . I am taking on the Atlanta Hot Chocolate 15K (9.2 miles) on January 26 and I am really excited. I would not be trying this without the encouragement of my dear friend Allison. Thank you! I have had some great long runs over the past few weeks and have even completed the 9.2 recently in 20 degree weather. Brrr! I also discovered over the holidays that I actually do enjoy running with another person thanks to my sister-in-law Tiffiny, who gives me so much inspiration and confidence. We ran a hilly 8 miles and talked the entire time. I didn't even notice that I wasn't taking walking breaks except to get some water every 2 miles. My time with my "coach" was invaluable to me and a big milestone in my running journey. I am going to start looking into a running group for when my weekend long runs start getting longer in April. My knee and lat band have started to give me some trouble so I bought a foam roller, as demonstrated by my favorite princess above. It has really helped me to stretch out the troubled areas and keep me going.

When I thought about new year's resolutions, I thought of the obvious. I want to stick to my running goals (just hoping and praying my body stays injury free). I want to cook more for my family and do better at encouraging my daughter to eat more of a variety of foods. I want more family time with Bob and Megan and make things like my phone and television a much smaller part of my day. All of these things are important. But, I want these to be year round goals and not just something I talk about at the start of the year.

Here is what it comes down to . . . I want to gallop more. Megan does a lot more galloping than walking and she always has a smile on her face. Maybe that's one of life secrets, we should do more galloping, skipping, hopping, and twirling. I am one that has always taken life too seriously and worried way too much. I think it has gotten worse over the years, especially in recent years. Maybe the missing piece is knowing when I need to gallop.

At the start of the year, I noticed a lot of people on social media picking a theme word for 2014 instead of formal resolutions. I like it and have jumped on the bandwagon. A dear friend of mine inspired me in the end and I love the idea of taking on a theme and incorporating it throughout all parts of my life. So, my word for 2014 is . . . . patience. I really want to be a more patient person about so many things, but most especially with myself. I put way too much pressure on myself, maybe even more so since my health has improved. I want to be a more patient mother and take a deep breath in the same way I try to teach my three-year-old as she learns to manage her emotions. There are so many things I want to do at home, professionally, in my community and beyond and I sometimes feel like I am catching up for lost time. Patience Susie, patience. I want to be more present in my life and take in the moments that are in front of me. I will explore this more as the weeks continue, but I just wanted to share my word for 2014 with everyone and I will let you know how it goes.

So, thanks for tuning in as I get this blog off the ground. It has been so good for me to start writing again. I come from a family of good writers and I like using this medium to share my thoughts and experiences. I do not plan on writing or thinking too far ahead. There are things I want to share with you, but I also want this to be about a journey and the thoughts and feelings that come up as the year unfolds. I will work hard not to take things too seriously and gallop as much as I can along the way. Giddy up 2014!