Thought 38: What I want to be when I grow up . . .

By this time in my life, I was used to a few curve balls. But I will never forget the spring day in the park when my doctor called me to tell me I had renal cancer. I learned quickly it was operable, but I have never experienced something medically that felt so out of left field. I had what I hope is my one and only kidney stone in May 2012. If I had not experienced this, I would never have had the follow up CT scan that showed a small mass on my left kidney. The later MRI confirmed the mass was malignant. I was terrified. How and why did my body create this? The next month I met with a wonderful surgeon who was able to remove all of it and only take a small part of my kidney. It was the easiest surgery physically and one of the hardest emotionally. While I was recovering in bed, I learned of two friends in their 30s that passed away from cancer. My 38th year was full of joy, love, and fun with my Megan and my Bob, but wow, nothing like a curve ball to knock you down. You just have to make sure to stand back up. 

For some reason I had a hard time with Megan turning four this month. We had such a good time celebrating her, but I was just so emotional. Where has the time gone? She is growing up too fast! I know most parents feel this way. I have just loved the time I have had at home with my Megan the past four years. I just don't want our fun, carefree time to end. I am good at being Megan's mommy. It has been my world for four years now. But what about the other parts of me? 

Megan will be in Pre-kindergarten next fall and going to school five days a week. So, it's time for me to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I have really enjoyed writing on a regular basis over the last year. So, I would love to find a way I can do that more. My background is social work, although I spent the five years before Megan as a full time fundraiser. But the past four years have changed me. The last year of reflection has changed me. I miss working directly with people, with children. I know what a quality program looks like and how to raise resources to support it. But I do want to carry out the work too and I think I am good at it.

I have always wanted to be in a helping profession since I was a kid. There have been years when I fought that instinct and thought something else sounded better or easier. But it is time for me to do what I want to do and not what I think I should do. Right now, my instinct is telling me to look into medical social work. I think that with my own personal background and love for children, working in a hospital setting would be a good match. I know it will be emotionally difficult and hard on my heart. I did not become a social worker because it would be easy. I was built to give myself to the world in a way that would make a difference. I think this just might be it. I am going to take this next year to talk to social workers in the field and figure out if a hospital setting is a good fit for me. I will need additional training. Whatever I end up doing next, I hope this time next year I am on my way to jumping in the deep end again. 

I am terrified to go back to work. I don't know what I will do not being around my girl every day. I see friends go back after their maternity leave or some time off all the time. I know she will be fine and I will be fine. It just makes my heart hurt to think about this precious time together ending. I will miss seeing my mommy friends on a regular basis, but I know those friendships are greater than play dates and trips to the park now. I will have them forever. But what I am finding with my Megan time, it's get better with every day and every year. 

I am excited to go back to work. There is a big part of me that I haven't explored in a long time. It has always been a big part of me to do something in this world that is greater than myself. After a lot of medical problems and scares, I am still here. I owe it to myself, my family, and all of those that I have lost in my life, to give back and do something great. Although I am 40 years old and still figuring it out, I plan on being here a while and doing my best to give back. 

Thought 37: Ripping out the plug . . .

Staying home with Megan has been such a special experience. I cherish the time we have had together and the opportunity to be a part of all her milestones. The year I turned 37 years old was full of  play dates with new friends, stroller walks to Starbucks with my super mommies, music class, trips to the Zoo, quiet time playing on the floor, airplane trips to see family and friends, beach time, library story times, reading books, and lots of snuggling. It has not always been easy of course, but whatever rough moments I had were overshadowed by the joy. I don't just love being a mom, I love being Megan's "mommy" or "mama."

I swore I would never get a smart phone. No touch screens for me. I just wanted a regular cell phone and was not interested in all the extras. I always thought it was too much and unnecessary. Time passes and now I can't seem to live without it. Really? I remember when I kept a cell phone in my glove compartment in case of an emergency when driving to and from college. Now my phone is something I might as well attach to my body. Why do we get sucked into all this technology? Is it really necessary?

I think I am past the point of no return now, but it is up to me to decide how much I will allow it to be part of my day. Confession time - I look at my phone a lot during the day no matter where I am, even in my car. I don't text and drive, but I have been known to check my email or look at Facebook. Ugh! I'm so embarrassed that I have let these things creep into my every day. I look at my phone in front of my daughter and text in front of her. She likes to play on my phone and iPad more than I want to admit (although I think I am pretty good about limiting her time). I don't want to be that person - the one that is missing out on what is in front of her because I am plugged in somewhere else. Is there really a reason to check our email, Facebook, Twitter, or whatever else more than once a day? The answer is no.

I like being there for family and friends and doing what I can to be supportive of their lives no matter what is happening. I feel like if I get a text or email I have to answer it right away or the other person will wonder why I haven't responded. Truthfully, some texts are that way and need an immediate response. But I need to realize that it is more important to be present where I am and less important to stay connected to my phone in case someone shares some information I want to respond to or show them that I "like" it. It really comes down to family time and me knowing and wanting to be connected and present with my Megan and Bob. Everything else will just have to wait.

So, I am making the commitment now to rip out the plug and put my phone away. I will always answer the phone and respond to texts at my first chance. Email, Facebook, and other apps will have to wait. I will allow myself to check my phone when I get up and before I head up to bed. I will no longer be immersed into my phone around Megan and I will no longer check my phone once I get in bed at night. At some point you have to disconnect and shut down for the evening. I am ripping out the plug and it feels good! It's sad that I have to do it in the first place. So, if you need to reach me right away, let's go old school . . . Call me!

The bigger question for me is why do I have such a hard time being present in my life. I have always struggled with yoga because I have a hard time focusing on the moment and not allowing my mind to wander. I am a worrier and heavy thinker and I'm always thinking about what needs to be done or if there is something I should be doing. I hate to think of time I may have lost with Megan because I allowed either a phone or unnecessary task get in the way of quality time. I just have to slow down. I want to focus on my life from the inside out. Be present at home. Embrace my time with Megan and Bob. Cherish my times with friends and family. Get outside whenever possible. Finally, put down the phone unless I am turning on the "princess songs" station on Pandora. Sounds like a good plan, right?   I am committed to being more present and I know my family and I will be happier for it. Who's with me?